“LOOK AT THE BRIGHT SIDE, JESUS. IT’LL BE LIKE A START TREATY, EXCEPT YOU’LL BE STARTING A WHOLE NEW RELIGION.”

Story here.

No, you Seinfeld fanatics — not that kind of  “contest!” I’m talking about the highly prestigious, dynamite, Nobel-like 1st Place prize in this year’s  HumorFeed contest for Best Satire of the Year. My winning entry: A Real War On Christmas: Outrage Grows Over Excessive Bonuses To Santa’s Elves.

My great thanks to the entire HumorFeed community, particularly E.F. Watley, who runs this august humor site, the judges and fellow contributors that made this possible, and all my loyal supporters and readers.

In addition to being Jewish, I guess I’m now really blackballed from Santa’s list.

In a sign of the substantial divide between Main Street and North Pole Street, a growing chorus of criticism is being directed at the over-sized bonuses doled out this year to the under-sized elves of Santa’s workshop.

While the most trying economic times since The Great Depression have created massive unemployment, a wave of home foreclosures, and forced millions of Americans to defer retirement, the images of these “fat-reindeer” elves piloting Mercedes Benz sleighs and downing thousand dollar bottles of vintage eggnog have created a backlash of epic proportions.

Indeed, there are numerous reports of carolers foregoing such traditional classics as Silent Night in favor of iconic protest songs, such as John Fogerty’s Fortunate Elf, and Edwin Starr’s Christmas, What is it Good For.

As one angry protestor put it, “these elves always wear the same clothes, and already enjoy subsidized housing from Santa, so why the hell do they need seven-figure bonuses?”

The criticism essentially stems from the unprecedented losses caused by the risky ventures undertaken by Santa and his elves the past few years, where the production and delivery of toys took a back seat to more complex products such as credit toy default swaps, sub-prime Tickle-Me-Elmos, and Dora the Explorer derivatives.

But perhaps the asset that was even more toxic than Chinese toys were highly-leveraged legos, which began to fall like dominoes once the financial crisis hit.

Stoking populist anger even more were the federal bailouts that followed, which were predicated on the belief that Christmas was too big to fail.  Moreover, according to a high-placed source at the North Pole, who was not authorized to speak on behalf of Kris Kringle, neither the President nor his Treasury Secretary wanted to be the one to tell Virginia, a key swing state, “that there is no Santa Clause.”

In response to the widespread outcry, Santa and his elves were summoned to appear before numerous Congressional committees, where they arrived via Amtrak, rather than their executive sleigh, to avoid further damage to their public image.

While snacking on milk and cookies, Santa read a statement claiming that these hefty bonuses were “necessary to prevent the defection of my elves to Wall Street, where they’re being heavily recruited to work in their true field of expertise — micro-cap stocks.”

Nevertheless, in an attempt to quell the public outrage, St. Nick promised that future elf compensation packages would entail less cash, and be more heavily weighted toward Christmas Stocking options.

[Note from Editor's Jewish Mother: 'Alright, so he's not a Doctor, but at least this post won a contest!]

“COMPARED TO THEIR COUNTERPARTS IN THE JAPANESE PARLIAMENT, IT’S CLEAR THAT THE U.S. CONGRESS IS VASTLY OVERPAID. WITH THREE DAY WORK WEEKS, BEING OUT OF SESSION HALF THE YEAR, AND SUBSIDIZED PENSIONS AND HEALTH CARE, THE AVERAGE SENATOR MAKES ABOUT $3000 PER HOUR…. AND FOR ALL THAT, THE GOP STILL TURNS OUT SHIT AMERICANS WON’T BUY.”

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GOP Senators should listen to their constituents who want to “Buy American” –by Chad Rubel at BuzzFlash.

Daily Show’s Holiday Wrap-Up and Colbert’s A Secular Christmas, at One Good Move.

And keeping with the holiday spirit, Madkane’s Declaring War On The “War On Christmas” Whine.

On the first day of the War on Christmas
My multi-cultural enemies gave to me . . .
A Muslim Congressman swearing on the Koran

On the second day of the War on Christmas
My multi-cultural enemies gave to me . . .
Two lesbian moms
And a Muslim Congressman swearing on the Koran

On the third day of the War on Christmas
My multi-cultural enemies gave to me . . .
Three French Kerrys
Two lesbian moms
And a Muslim Congressman swearing on the Koran

On the fourth day of the War on Christmas
My multi-cultural enemies gave to me . . .
Four Kwanzaa kinaras
Three French Kerrys
Two lesbian moms
And a Muslim Congressman swearing on the Koran

On the fifth day of the War on Christmas
My multi-cultural enemies gave to me . . .
Five “HAPPY HOLIDAYS!”
Four Kwanzaa kinaras
Three French Kerrys
Two lesbian moms
And a Muslim Congressman swearing on the Koran

On the sixth day of the War on Christmas
My multi-cultural enemies gave to me . . .
Six months of abortion
Five “HAPPY HOLIDAYS!”
Four Kwanzaa kinaras
Three French Kerrys
Two lesbian moms
And a Muslim Congressman swearing on the Koran

On the seventh day of the War on Christmas
My multi-cultural enemies gave to me . . .
Seven illegals swarmin‚
Six months of abortion
Five “HAPPY HOLIDAYS!”
Four Kwanzaa kinaras
Three French Kerrys
Two lesbian moms
And a Muslim Congressman swearing on the Koran

On the eighth day of the War on Christmas
My multi-cultural enemies gave to me . . .
Eight Hannukah candles
Seven illegals swarmin‚
Six months of abortion
Five “HAPPY HOLIDAYS!”
Four Kwanzaa kinaras
Three French Kerrys
Two lesbian moms
And a Muslim Congressman swearing on the Koran

On the ninth day of the War on Christmas
My multi-cultural enemies gave to me . . .
Nine gays a layin’
Eight Hannukah candles
Seven illegals swarmin‚
Six months of abortion
Five “HAPPY HOLIDAYS!”
Four Kwanzaa kinaras
Three French Kerrys
Two lesbian moms
And a Muslim Congressman swearing on the Koran

On the tenth day of the War on Christmas
My multi-cultural enemies gave to me . . .
Ten stem cell researchers
Nine gays a layin’
Eight Hannukah candles
Seven illegals swarmin‚
Six months of abortion
Five “HAPPY HOLIDAYS!”
Four Kwanzaa kinaras
Three French Kerrys
Two lesbian moms
And a Muslim Congressman swearing on the Koran

On the eleventh day of the War on Christmas
My multi-cultural enemies gave to me . . .
Eleven Darwin books from Amazon
Ten stem cell researchers
Nine gays a layin’
Eight Hannukah candles
Seven illegals swarmin‚
Six months of abortion
Five “HAPPY HOLIDAYS!”
Four Kwanzaa kinaras
Three French Kerrys
Two lesbian moms
And a Muslim Congressman swearing on the Koran

On the twelfth day of the War on Christmas
My multi-cultural enemies gave to me . . .
Twelve Keith Olbermann commentaries
Eleven Darwin books from Amazon
Ten stem cell researchers
Nine gays a layin’
Eight Hannukah candles
Seven illegals swarmin‚
Six months of abortion
Five “HAPPY HOLIDAYS!”
Four Kwanzaa kinaras
Three French Kerrys
Two lesbian moms
And a Muslim Congressman swearing on the Koran!

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By the way, I’ll be appearing on Thom Hartmann‚Äôs radio program this coming Tuesday, December 26th, at 10:30 am EST/7:30 am PST.

BLOGWORTHIES:

BuzzFlash review of satiric book: Newt Gingrich’s Bedtime Story for Orphans.

Daily Show’s “the children are the future,” via One Good Move.

‘The Decider’ Fooling Himself Again, Fires Disagreeing Generals — at Progressive Daily Beacon.

Nicole Belle at Crooks & Liars: EPA Paves Way for Zero Emission Requirements.

Blue Texan at Unclaimed Territory: What Haditha says about the warbloggers.