“YES, I’VE BEEN A VERY BAD BOY FOR DELIVERING MY CALZONES TO THE WRONG HOUSE, AND NOW IT’S TIME FOR MY SPANKING.”

“VIVA … VIAGRA! FOR AN ERECTION THAT DOES LAST AFTER ‘FORE’ HOURS, AND HELPS YOU SINK YOUR PUTZ.”

“THE NUMEROUS AFFAIRS WITH WOMEN WERE BAD ENOUGH, BUT THE REVELATIONS OF ORAL SEX WITH THE CLOWN ON THE MINIATURE GOLF COURSE MAY PROVE TO BE THE ‘LAST HOLE’ THAT TIGER EVER PLAYS.”

“HOLY SHIT, MUST DRIVE FASTER, GODZILLA CLOSING GROUND.”

Jim Vernon, USGA President

“IF THERE’S ONE THING THAT DISTINGUSHES GOLF AS THE ULTIMATE GENTLEMEN’S SPORT, WHERE HONOR AND INTEGRITY OVERRIDE ALL ELSE, IT’S THAT WE  REQUIRE EVERY MEMBER TO ACCURATELY RECORD THEIR NUMBER OF ‘SCORES’ … EVEN IF NO ONE SEES A ‘WOODS SHOT END UP IN THE BUSHES’.”

“DUDE, IF ANYONE CLAIMS THEY SLEPT WITH ‘TIGER,’  COULD YOU JUST SUCK IT UP AND TAKE THE HIT FOR ME?”

“GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRREAT!”

“I’M JUST PRAYING THAT NIKE COMES OUT WITH THEIR OWN CONDOM, SO I CAN STOP WEARING THIS GODDAMNED HAT WHILE I FUCK.”

“I TOLD YA’, IF TIGER HAD REMAINED FAITHFUL TO HIS ‘ HOLE IN ONE,’ HE COULD HAVE STAYED ON THE DRIVEWAY, OFF THE GREEN AND AVOIDED THE HAZARD OF THE CLUB FACE.”

“THERE HAS TO BE A MIDDLE GROUND BETWEEN WHITE COPS WHO ARE STUPIDLY SEEKING GOLF TIPS, AND THE WORLD’S BEST GOLFER WHO IS MERELY GUILTY OF DRIVING WHILE BLACKED-OUT.”

“IF THE GOLF GLOVES DON’T FIT, YOU MUST ACQUIT.”