“NOW, CALM DOWN, MA’AM. I UNDERSTAND YOU LOCKED JOHN BOEHNER, ERIC CANTOR AND MITCH McCONNNELL IN YOUR CAR, BUT IF YOU WANT WHAT’S BEST FOR THE COUNTRY,  JUST WALK AWAY AND FORGET THE WHOLE THING.”

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Norm Jenson has Noam Chomsky on the Economy.

GOP “Idea Men,” at All Hat No Cattle.

“THE PROBLEM IS, THEY FEEL THAT EVEN IF THEY PICK A FINAL FOUR OF ALL NO. 16 SEEDS, THE GOVERNMENT WILL JUST STEP IN AGAIN TO MAKE UP THEIR LOSSES.” 

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BuzzFlash’s Mark Karlin: Wal-Mart, Wall Street and W: Three W’s That Sank the American Economy and Boosted China.

Lisa Casey with The Masterbaiter.

Madkane’s Ode To Ari Fleischer.

Dan Kurtzman with The Week in Political Cartoons.

“THEY ACTUALLY CONSIDERED COMBINING THE BUSINESS AND OBITUARIES, BUT THEY ULTIMATELY FIGURED WE’RE ALL BETTER OFF LAUGHING OURSELVES TO DEATH.”

Here’s the real story, from the horse’s mouth.

“EVEN IF IT TAKES UP HALF OF THE STIMULUS PACKAGE, WE’LL STOP AT NOTHING TO PROTECT US FROM THE VENAL DISEASE KNOWN AS THE GOP.”

Story here.

“HERE’S A SONG I THINK YOU KIDS WILL REALLY ENJOY — AND YOUR MOM AND I AGREE IT’S EDUCATIONAL TOO”:

Bush, the magic drag-on, the lame GOP
Bollixed his whole Presidency, in a land called Iraqi
Little Dickie Cheney, loved to play real rough
Pulled Dubya’s strings and sealed his fate with a lotta’ made-up stuff

Bush, the magic drag-on, a sound economy
Let Wall Street crooks have their way, with complete autonomy
Little Hankie Paulson, lookin’ not so sharp
Can’t find the funds that he doled out, hidden by a TARP

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Given Chip Saltsman’s “musical taste,” he wins BuzzFlash’s GOP Hypocrite of the Week.

All Hat No Cattle’s Phototoon Year in Review.

And Puff The Real Magic Dragon Ain’t Too Happy.

Citing ‘Change’ Over ‘Experience,’ Angry Electorate Votes to Replace God

’3 A.M. Phone Call Ad’ Wins Hillary the Presidency, of OnStar

Baseball Decrees the Steroid Age the ‘Shrunken Ball Era’

The Legend of Fred Thompson: A Politician Turned Actor Who Couldn’t Play a Candidate on TV

Evangelicals Claim Prop 8 Protects the Sanctity of Marriages Performed by Elvises in Vegas Chapels

Accused in Hate Crime Plea Bargains Down to ‘Spite’

Famed Photog Annie Leibovitz Uses Negatives to Capture McCain’s Campaign

Iraq Celebrates 5th Anniversary by Re-Gifting Democracy

Rudy Giuliani Reveals His Feet Are Two Different Sizes: a ’9′ and an ’11′

Co-Founder of Slinky Dies, After Falling Down Steps

Pollsters Admit Flaws in Methodology: ‘Exit Polls’ Conducted at Entrances

Sarah Palin Touts Her Experience as a ‘Closet Organizer’

Satirists Riot Over The New Yorker Obama Cartoon

Americans Strongly Believe in God, But One That Only Controls the Outcome of Sporting Events

Due to Snowstorm, Premature Ejaculation Clinic Operating on a 5 Minute Delay

Huckabee Declares He’s Ready to be President From ‘Day Six,’ Literally

Spitzer Scandal Spurs Call for Reform: Public Financing of Hookers

Christian Right Condemns Gay Adoption of Highways

FOX News Blames Obama for Nigerian Spam

Time-Life Issues the Definitive Collection of ‘Bush Scandals’

Sarah Palin Establishes a New ‘Crack in the WOODEN FLOOR’

Stood Up by ‘Joe the Plumber,’ McCain Campaigns with ‘Janitor in a Drum’

Iraqi Shoe Thrower Receives a ‘Seinfeld Sentence’ — Has to Serve as Bush’s Butler (and Shoeshine man)

A Sign of the Times: E*Trade Baby Leaps to Death From His Crib

McCain Claims ‘Multiple House Story’ Helps Him With Mormons

Sarah Palin Takes Phone Call from Napoleon Bonaparte

U.S. Finally Greeted as Liberators, by Wall Street

Lesson Learned: Auto Executives Make Return Trip to D.C. in Flintstones Car

An Ominous Sign for the GOP: Even Mars Turns Blue

Bush’s ‘Mission Accomplished’ Finally Realized: Iraq in Better Shape Than U.S.

Sarah Palin’s Greatest ‘Gift’ to America: Ruining Thanksgiving

Treasury Gives Bailout to Sperm Banks, to Inject Liquidity Into Frozen Markets

Blagojevich, Preparing for the Worst, Plans to Sell His Own ‘Seat’ in Jail

Conspiracy Theory of ‘Second Shoe Thrower’ Raised by Abdul-liver Stone

Bernie Madoff’s Fraud Reaches Beyond Jewish Community: Ran Pyramid Scheme in Egypt

House of Tudor Lays Claim to Vacant NY Senate Seat

Cheney Voices Concern Biden Will Diminish the ‘Vice’ in Vice Presidency

GOP Realizes Its Worst Nightmare: Black Man Elected to Lead U.S. Out of The Dark Ages

“IT WAS CLEAR THAT THE SPERM MARKETS HAD FROZEN UP, AND WE NEEDED TO INJECT SOME FLUIDITY IN ORDER TO ENSURE FUTURE GROWTH OF THE TAX BASE.” 

“THE CAR HAS NO VALUE, IS TOXIC TO THE ENVIRONMENT AND IS GUARANTEED TO CRASH, BUT THIS IS APPARENTLY WHAT CONGRESS IS LOOKING FOR.” 

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Staying on topic, Chad Rubel at BuzzFlash says Auto industry executives need a road trip to figure out company woes.

“SINCE IT’S CLEAR THAT I LIVE IN THE STONE AGE, WHY IS IT SO DIFFICULT TO BELIEVE THAT OBAMA WENT BACK IN TIME AND CAUSED THE CRASH OF ’29.”

“IT’S TIME FOR THE WORLD TO FOLLOW AMERICA’S LEAD, AND ALLOW THEIR CITIZENS THE FREEDOM TO STARVE, LIVE IN THE STREETS, AND USE THE NEW YORK TIMES FOR TOILET PAPER.”

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Mark Karlin’s reality check: The Myth of the Democratic Filibuster Proof Senate.

Bill Maher’s New Rules, at One Good Move.

Dan Kurtzman with The Week’s Best Late-Night Jokes.