“My fellow citizens. I assumed the office of the Presidency with the best of intentions — to try to change both the culture of Washington, and the way business is done here.

But after just two short weeks, I realized that I was HOPE-lessly naive. That trying to negotiate with the know-nothing Neanderthal, Limbaugh-ass-sucking, tax-cut-a-saurus, fickle-down Reagan-worshipping Rethuglicans, is about as pointless as trying to resuscitate our ailing economy by exporting tea to China.

So here’s the REAL CHANGE I’m now proposing:  

Forget the bank bailouts, we’re gonna use the  remaining TARP dollars to buy up the TOXIC GOP ASSES from Congress.  For far less than the cost of any stimulus package to the Treasury, we’ll put these “bad asses” in a “bad holding tank,” where they can’t do any further damage to this great nation.

I know I promised to close Guantanamo, but it’s clear that the legal system is simply not equipped to deal with these nihilsts who are out to destroy our very way of life. 

But let’s be clear — the WAR ON ERROR will not be won in a year, or even during this generation. We must remain ever-vigilant against these malefactors of great mischief.

And now that I finally did what I had to do to the Rethuglicans, it’s time for a smoke.

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BLOGWORTHIES:

BuzzFlash’s Mark Karlin strikes a similar note: Water Doesn’t Trickle Down the Middle of the Road, President Obama.

Dick Cheney’s New Wheelchair, at All Hat No Cattle.

The Daily Show’s  Big ‘Bama’s House – at One Good Move.

Dan Kurtzman’s Political Cartoons of the Week, and Obama the Comedian.

“WE ONLY ALLOW REAL COWBOYS TO RIDE INTO US, NOT SWAGGERING IDIOTS WHO START UNNECESSARY WARS.”

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BLOGWORTHIES:

Lisa Casey on the further limitations of the fake cowboy.

The Daily Show’s Changefest ’09  – at One Good Move.

Juan Cole on Obama’s Pledge to Withdraw from Iraq and the Iraqi Reality.

“COMPARED TO THEIR COUNTERPARTS IN THE JAPANESE PARLIAMENT, IT’S CLEAR THAT THE U.S. CONGRESS IS VASTLY OVERPAID. WITH THREE DAY WORK WEEKS, BEING OUT OF SESSION HALF THE YEAR, AND SUBSIDIZED PENSIONS AND HEALTH CARE, THE AVERAGE SENATOR MAKES ABOUT $3000 PER HOUR…. AND FOR ALL THAT, THE GOP STILL TURNS OUT SHIT AMERICANS WON’T BUY.”

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GOP Senators should listen to their constituents who want to “Buy American” –by Chad Rubel at BuzzFlash.

Daily Show’s Holiday Wrap-Up and Colbert’s A Secular Christmas, at One Good Move.

And keeping with the holiday spirit, Madkane’s Declaring War On The “War On Christmas” Whine.

“SON, WHEN I SAID YOU COULD RUN FOR PRESIDENT ONE DAY, I DIDN’T MEAN YOU SHOULD ‘SCREW THE PIE’  LIKE JOHN McCAIN.”

“AY, I DON’T KNOW WHAT THE FREAK McCAIN WAS TALKING ABOUT WITH THE ‘ACORNS IN THE AYERS,’ BUT ALLS I KNOWS IS McCAIN’S PLANS GOT BIGGER CRACKS THAN MY ASS.”

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Now here’s Real Change We Can Believe In, at All Hat No Cattle.

Sarah Palin and the Know Nothings, at BuzzFlash

Dan Kurtzman with McCain and Palin In Their Own Words: 25 Laughable Quotes. 

Daily Show’s 10,000 McCainiacs, at One Good Move.

“JOHN McCAIN IS LIKE A BOX OF CHOCOLATES. FROM ONE DAY TO THE NEXT, YOU NEVER KNOW WHAT YOU’RE GONNA GET.”

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BLOGWORTHIES:

BuzzFlash’s Mark Karlin: McCain’s Secret Plan to “Get” Osama and Nixon’s Secret Plan to End the Vietnam War.

Norm Jenson has John Cleese on Sarah Palin and The Daily Show’s Clusterfuck to the Poor House.

Juan Cole: The Great Reagan Pyramid Scheme Comes Crashing Down.

Dan Kurtzman presents Funny Political Bumper Stickers.

1. WHAT WOULD BE THE TOP PRIORITY OF A McCAIN ADMINISTRATION: MORE WARS, OR MORE WARS ON THE MIDDLE CLASS?

2. FOR SOMEONE BORN DURING THE GREAT DEPRESSION, YOU SURE DON’T SEEM TO HAVE LEARNED ANY LESSONS FROM THE GREAT DEPRESSION.

3. SENATOR, MY SENIOR DEMOCRATIC COLLEAGUES KNEW AND SERVED WITH JOHN McCAIN. JOHN McCAIN WAS A FRIEND OF THEIRS.  SENATOR, YOU’RE NO LONGER JOHN McCAIN.

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BLOGWORTHIES:

The Bailout Vote and the Tyranny of Representative Democracy – P.M. Carpenter at BuzzFlash on Profiles in Porridge.

Lisa Casey with a unique perspective on the Congressional Bailout Plan. 

The Daily Show’s World War I, at One Good Move.

Sarah Silverman Wants “JEW” To Vote!!

“KATIE, ISN’T THAT THE ONE WHERE THE SUPREME COURT HAD TO DECIDE IF THEY’D COUNT THE VOTE OF THE LITTLE BOY … EVEN THOUGH HE ATE HIS ICE CREAM BEFORE DINNER?”

“IT’S A WELL-KNOWN FACT THAT SADDAM WAS USING THESE MOBILE LABS TO CUT UP SUB-PRIME MORTGAGES INTO SMALLER SECURITIZED PACKAGES, WHICH HE THEN RELEASED TO PARALYZE THE NERVOUS SYSTEM OF THE FINANCIAL WORLD.” 

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BLOGWORTHIES:

BuzzFlash’s Mark Karlin, on More McCain Lies, concerning Obama’s Influence in Getting Ethics Bill Passed in Illinois .

Norm Jenson has the Daily Show Week in Review.

Lisa Casey on how McCain-Palin is “subtraction by addition.”

Dan Kurtzman with Your Urgent Help Needed, a parody of the Nigerian email scam.

“EVEN A DEAD GUY LIKE ME COULD DO A BETTER JOB THAN A DOPE WHO SMOTHERED LEHMAN BROTHERS.”