The Satirical Political Report

"The Best Political REAM
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January 26th, 2010

Massachusetts Lesson Learned: Obama to Give State of Union From Truck

“EVERYDAY, IT’S BECOMING CLEARER TO ME THAT THE ONLY WAY TO GET THE MESSAGE OUT … IS TO HIT THE PEOPLE WITH A 4X4.”

January 22nd, 2010

Mass. Exit Polls: ‘Brown Supporters’ Thought They Were Voting For UPS

“I THOUGHT IT WAS A WICKED PISSA WHEN I HEARD ABOUT THIS ‘BROWN,’ IN A TRUCK, ASKING ‘WHAT HE CAN DO FOR YOU’ — AND PROMISING TO DELIVER FROM WASHINGTON.”

January 21st, 2010

Message to Pundits: Massachusetts Vote Really a Referendum on Massachusetts Voters!

“ACCORDING TO MY CALCULATIONS, USING IRRATIONAL NUMBERS, IF THE DEMOCRATS DON’T DELIVER ON THEIR PROMISES BASED ON REPUBLICAN OBSTRUCTION , WE WICKED PISSA ON OURSELVES BY ELECTING THOSE SAME WICKED REPUBLICANS.”

January 21st, 2010

Scott Brown Victory Attributed to Endorsement by Herman’s Hermits

“MR. BROWN, YOU’VE GOT SOME LOVELY DAUGHTERS.”

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Story here.

January 20th, 2010

Democrats Amend Health Bill, To Add ‘Universal Castration’

“IF IT’S GOOD ENOUGH FOR US, EVERY CITIZEN SHOULD HAVE ACCESS TO THE SAME PROCEDURE.”

January 19th, 2010

It’s the DEMS Who Finally Find a Weapon of ‘Mass. Destruction’

“WE BELIEVE IT’S A MOBILE DEVICE, BEING TRANSPORTED IN A TRUCK, AND IT HAS THE POTENTIAL TO CREATE A MUSHROOM CLOUD OVER THE ENTIRE DEMOCRATIC PARTY.”

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BLOGWORTHIES:

BuzzFlash’s Mark Karlin: Progressives and Populists Need to Redefine the Mythical Political “Center.”

Wanted: The Real Inventors of WMD, at All Hat No Cattle.

January 19th, 2010

Late Breaking Sex Scandal Could Derail Scott Brown

“THIS COULD BE THE FIRST TIME THAT A CANDIDATE GOT IN TROUBLE FOR PICKING UP AND HAVING SEX WITH HIS PICK-UP.”

January 18th, 2010

Martha Coakley’s Latest Screwup: Campaigns With Bill Buckner

“EVERYBODY KNOWS YOU SHOULD JUDGE A CANDIDATE BY THEIR CHARACTER — NOT BY WHAT THEY HAVE BETWEEN THEIR LEGS.”

January 16th, 2010

Jay Leno Seeks to Bump Martha Coakley

“HEY, IT’S REALLY PERFECT.  I’M FROM MASSACHUSETTS, I CAN HANDLE ANY  LATE-NIGHT SENATE SESSIONS, AND I CAN FILL IN FOR BARACK WHEN HE GOES TO CAMP DAVID.”

January 15th, 2010

Desperate Dems in Mass. Consider Going With ‘Weekend at Teddy’s’

“HOW DO YOU ASK A MAN TO BE THE LAST TO BE RESURRECTED …  SO HEALTH CARE REFORM DOESN’T DIE.”

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