“SHE’LL NOT ONLY BE DENIED THE COVERAGE SHE NEEDS, BUT WILL PROBABLY END UP IN A BACK ALLEY SEEKING MEDICAL HELP.”

“HEY LADY, JUST TAKE TWO ASPIRIN, AND CALL ME AT 5 AM TOMORROW MORNING.”

“WE WANT OUR COUNTRY, AND OUR CONSTITUTION, BACK THE WAY THE FOUNDING FATHERS INTENDED! … SO GET RID OF ALL THE ANESTHESIA AND MODERN DENTISTRY, AND RETURN TO WOODEN TEETH AND BLOODLETTING.”

“WE OFFERED TO AMEND THE HEALTH BILL TO PROVIDE THEM ADVICE ON ‘EXTRAORDINARY POLITICAL LIFE SUPPORT’ … BUT THE DUMB BASTARDS INSISTED ON ‘DO NOT RESUSCITATE’.”

“NOW, BEFORE WE OPEN THE DISCUSSION ON HEALTH CARE REFORM, I’D FIRST LIKE TO INVITE A FEW GAY COUPLES UP HERE TO TAKE THEIR MARRIAGE VOWS.”

“I’M SORRY, MR. HAWKING, BUT YOU HAVE A CONDITION THAT WAS PRE-EXISTING WITH A MR. LOU GEHRIG, AND EVEN IF WE DIDN’T DENY COVERAGE, THE ONLY PHYSICIANS IN OUR NETWORK … ARE OUT OF THIS UNIVERSE.”

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Professor Hawking’s Response to Investor’s Business Daily, at HuffPost.

“IT’S CLEAR THAT THE HEAT, WITHOUT ANY LIGHT, EMITTED BY INVESTOR’S BUSINESS DAILY IS SO CONTRARY TO THE LAWS OF THE UNIVERSE, THAT IT’S BOUND TO SIMPLY DISAPPEAR OFF THE FACE OF THE EARTH.”

Story at TPMDC.

“THE NEXT QUESTION, WHICH ACTUALLY APPEARS TO FAVOR THE ESTABLISHMENT OF ‘DEATH PANELS,’ WILL BE READ ON BEHALF OF A ‘MR. LECTER’.”

“A SPOKESMAN FOR GEICO PUT IT BEST: ‘ALTHOUGH HE COULDN’T MATCH THE CURRENT ACTOR FOR HAIRINESS, MR. BECK CLEARLY RAN CIRCLES AROUND HIM AS FAR AS PRIMITIVE BEHAVIOR … NOT TO MENTION THE ABILITY TO START A FIRE‘.”

Story at Jack & Jill.

“THEY ACTUALLY STARTED WORKING HER OVER DURING THE CARTER ADMINISTRATION, BUT YOU KNOW HOW SLOW AND INEFFICIENT GOVERNMENT CAN BE.”

“THESE KENYANS WON’T ACTUALLY SHOOT OR MACHETE OUR SENIORS … THEY’LL JUST MAKE THEM RUN A MARATHON UNTIL THEY DROP DEAD.”

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BuzzFlash’s Mark Karlin Gets to the Heart of the Matter: Racism.

Lisa Casey with the Palin contribution to the madness.

Juan Cole with an update on the morass in Afghanistan.