“I COULDN’T FIND ANYONE TO PULL THE TRIGGER …  UNTIL I REMEMBERED THE HATCHET MAN FROM THE ORIGINAL ‘I’M NOT A CROOK‘ ADMINISTRATION’.”

Story here.

“MY FRIENDS, WHY WOULD I HAVE TO WASTE PRECIOUS RESOURCES IN THE WOLVERINE STATE WHEN GENERAL PETRAEUS WILL CLEAR OUT THE DEMOCRATS, HOLD THEM IN CUSTODY AND BUILD JAIL CELLS FOR THEM UNTIL AFTER THE ELECTION.”  

“A SURGE IN SOUTH OSSETIA, NO TIMELINE  FOR GEORGIA WITHDRAWAL, AND DEFIANCE OF INTERNATIONAL LAW — I REALLY DID FIND MY SOULMATE.”

 

“SINCE WE ALREADY¬†LOCK-IN OUR EMPLOYEES OVERNIGHT, THIS WAS JUST A¬†COST-FREE WAY TO DIVERSIFY OUR ‘HOLDINGS’.”

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BLOGWORTHIES:

Norm Jenson with an interesting post on the forgotten candidate: John Edwards.

Dave Lindorff at BuzzFlash on The Bush Dollar Trap.

The Enron End-Run — Nicole Belle at C&L¬†on the latest pro-business Supreme Court Decision.

DoJ Investigators Digging toward Major Report — TPM Muckraker¬†citing¬†The Hill.

“Mr. Tort Reformer himself,”¬†former Supreme Court nominee Robert Bork, has sued the Yale Club for more than¬†One Million Dollars,¬†plus punitive damages, claiming that he¬†tripped and fell while¬†climbing to the dais for a speech, since¬†there were no steps or handrail to hold on to.¬†

“THE YALE CLUB WAS OBLIGATED TO CONSTRUCT SOMETHING¬† — STRICTLY FOR ME.”

Fed up with almost 60 years of hostility from her nihilistic neighbors, Israel has finally withdrawn from Israel, and did what most other Jews do as they approach their seventh decade: retire to Florida.

However, even this move was condemned as a hostile action by the Arab world, since Israel’s departure from the Middle East seriously threatens the region’s second largest cottage industry, terrorism.

Consequently, Hezbollah began to export its terror tactics abroad, by attempting an attack on Boca Raton at 4:30 p.m. yesterday. The operation was timed to coincide, for maximum impact, with the Jewish High Holiday of Early Bird Special.

Hezbollah’s leader, Sheik Hassan Nasrallah, stated that while the Arab Nation “still wanted to drive the Jews into the sea, we really didn’t have in mind the Boca Raton Resort & Beach Club.”

Serendipitously, the plot was foiled by a white-haired, white-shoed, white-belted octogenarian wearing a Members Only jacket in 98-degree heat, when he backed his Buick into a flatbed truck carrying men wearing flip-flops, bermuda shorts and black hoods, as they were leaving Costco after purchasing the extra-jumbo sized bag of fertilizer.

Costco itself is being investigated for systematically issuing its club cards in the names of Hamas, Hezbollah, and The Aryan Nation, and for not sounding alarm bells when the fertilizer was purchased without any coupons.

However, not all of the Hezbollah guerrillas were apprehended, as some escaped through Alabama and into Philadelphia, Missisisippi. This, in turn, led to massive air strikes by expatriate Israelis, who completely leveled that notoriously racist town, the first Israeli military action ever approved by the U.N.

Despite this military setback, Hezbollah continued to achieve political gains.¬† As a result of Florida’s seriously dysfunctional election system, Sheik Nasrallah was elected governor of the Sunshine State, after the United States Supreme Court stepped in and ruled that there was no obligation to count thousands of hanging voters.

Finally, in related news, Israeli commandos simultaneously launched a major ground “offensive” against Mel Gibson.

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BLOGWORTHIES:

BuzzFlash’s¬†Bush as Lord of the Flies.¬†

Skippy on Lieberman campaign.

All Hat No Cattle’s Bush Armageddon edition.