Citing ‘Change’ Over ‘Experience,’ Angry Electorate Votes to Replace God

’3 A.M. Phone Call Ad’ Wins Hillary the Presidency, of OnStar

Baseball Decrees the Steroid Age the ‘Shrunken Ball Era’

The Legend of Fred Thompson: A Politician Turned Actor Who Couldn’t Play a Candidate on TV

Evangelicals Claim Prop 8 Protects the Sanctity of Marriages Performed by Elvises in Vegas Chapels

Accused in Hate Crime Plea Bargains Down to ‘Spite’

Famed Photog Annie Leibovitz Uses Negatives to Capture McCain’s Campaign

Iraq Celebrates 5th Anniversary by Re-Gifting Democracy

Rudy Giuliani Reveals His Feet Are Two Different Sizes: a ’9′ and an ’11′

Co-Founder of Slinky Dies, After Falling Down Steps

Pollsters Admit Flaws in Methodology: ‘Exit Polls’ Conducted at Entrances

Sarah Palin Touts Her Experience as a ‘Closet Organizer’

Satirists Riot Over The New Yorker Obama Cartoon

Americans Strongly Believe in God, But One That Only Controls the Outcome of Sporting Events

Due to Snowstorm, Premature Ejaculation Clinic Operating on a 5 Minute Delay

Huckabee Declares He’s Ready to be President From ‘Day Six,’ Literally

Spitzer Scandal Spurs Call for Reform: Public Financing of Hookers

Christian Right Condemns Gay Adoption of Highways

FOX News Blames Obama for Nigerian Spam

Time-Life Issues the Definitive Collection of ‘Bush Scandals’

Sarah Palin Establishes a New ‘Crack in the WOODEN FLOOR’

Stood Up by ‘Joe the Plumber,’ McCain Campaigns with ‘Janitor in a Drum’

Iraqi Shoe Thrower Receives a ‘Seinfeld Sentence’ — Has to Serve as Bush’s Butler (and Shoeshine man)

A Sign of the Times: E*Trade Baby Leaps to Death From His Crib

McCain Claims ‘Multiple House Story’ Helps Him With Mormons

Sarah Palin Takes Phone Call from Napoleon Bonaparte

U.S. Finally Greeted as Liberators, by Wall Street

Lesson Learned: Auto Executives Make Return Trip to D.C. in Flintstones Car

An Ominous Sign for the GOP: Even Mars Turns Blue

Bush’s ‘Mission Accomplished’ Finally Realized: Iraq in Better Shape Than U.S.

Sarah Palin’s Greatest ‘Gift’ to America: Ruining Thanksgiving

Treasury Gives Bailout to Sperm Banks, to Inject Liquidity Into Frozen Markets

Blagojevich, Preparing for the Worst, Plans to Sell His Own ‘Seat’ in Jail

Conspiracy Theory of ‘Second Shoe Thrower’ Raised by Abdul-liver Stone

Bernie Madoff’s Fraud Reaches Beyond Jewish Community: Ran Pyramid Scheme in Egypt

House of Tudor Lays Claim to Vacant NY Senate Seat

Cheney Voices Concern Biden Will Diminish the ‘Vice’ in Vice Presidency

GOP Realizes Its Worst Nightmare: Black Man Elected to Lead U.S. Out of The Dark Ages

“SINCE YOU HAVE NO INSURANCE TO MAKE RESTITUTION TO THE AMERICAN PRESIDENT, YOU ARE TO SERVE AS MR. BUSH’S BUTLER AND SHOE SHINE MAN FOR THE NEXT SEVEN YEARS. YOU ARE VERY, VERY, VERY BAD MAN.” 

“AS YOU ALL KNOW, ART IS EITHER AN ARCHITECT, OR AN IMPORTER-EXPORTER.  IN ANY EVENT, MY NEXT PHONY ICON IS GONNA BE ‘GEORGE THE MARINE BIOLOGIST.”

“Ya’ see, Marisa, ‘MANURE‘ is not really that bad. The first part is like a ‘Hockey MA,’ and the second part is ‘NEWER’ — as in newer than an old fartface like McCain.”

“RUMOR HAS IT YOU’RE NOT EVEN A ‘MOM’ AND A ‘POP’ … AND JOE’S NOT EVEN A PLUMBER!  BY THE WAY, YOU NEED TO FIX THOSE LEAKY PIPES.” 

“YANKEE BEAN, YANKEE BEAN … McCAIN … LIKES HIS … YANKEE BEAN.”

“EVERY INSTINCT I’VE EVER HAD FOR MODERATION AND COMMON-SENSE HAS BEEN WRONG; NOTHING’S EVER WORKED OUT FOR ME IN THE GOP.  SO NOW, I’M GOING TO DO THE COMPLETE OPPOSITE — INSTEAD OF RATIONALITY AND THE ENLIGHTENMENT, I’M GONNA GO WITH BIBLE-THUMPING AND NEANDERTHAL KNOW-NOTHINGNESS.”

“HI, I’M JOHN McCAIN, I’M IGNORANT AND I LIVE IN THE 13th CENTURY.  AND I ACCEPT YOUR NOMINATION FOR PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES.”

“JOHN McCAIN IS CHICKEN-SHIT SALAD … THE OPPOSITE OF EVERYTHING THIS COUNTRY SORELY NEEDS.”

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From an old classic to New Rules — Norm Jenson has Bill Maher’s latest.

Juan Cole on McCain’s choice of Palin as cynical and dishonorable, from a conservative GOP woman.