“I REALLY ONLY DID IT TO RECOVER FROM A CLOSE ENCOUNTER WITH KRYPTONITE, BUT I STILL FEEL THAT MY ABILITY TO FLY AND SEE THROUGH PEOPLE’S CLOTHES AT THE AIRPORT WAS A GOD-GIVEN GIFT. BUT AS FOR MY MASKED FRIEND HERE, I THINK HE’D ADMIT HE DID IT TO INCREASE HIS BAT-SPEED.”

“FOR CHRISSAKES, MARK, WHEN YOU ‘CRY ME A RIVER,’ YOU REALLY AIN’T KIDDING.”

“LOOKS LIKE I’M GETTING REPLACED, SINCE HOW CAN ‘JOE CAMEL’ POSSIBLY COMPETE WITH ‘TOE CAMEL’.”

“DAMN, I’D LOVE TO FINISH MY VACATION, BUT THEY’RE AFRAID I MIGHT FALL OUT OF THE ‘SACK’ AND OFF THE DAMN TERRACE.”

As the holiday season reaches its climax, motorists will be hitting the road en masse, in an annual ritual that appears to defy  bad weather, the bad economy, or just plain bad judgment. Here then, in a public service to those travelers in the Northeast, is a handy guide to the most interesting rest stops on The New Jersey Turnpike, which are named after some of New Jersey’s most famous citizens and fellow travelers.

Vince Lombardi — Absolutely no bathrooms or refreshments; instead all visitors will be required to do 50 push-ups and 10 wind sprints.

Alexander Hamilton — Assuming you manage to survive the “Lombardi treatment,” an even more daunting challenge awaits, as travelers try their hand at preserving their honor by dueling fellow vacationers. The winner has an opportunity to square off against the survivor of the Chris Matthews-Zell Miller duel.

Grover Cleveland: Named for the only U.S. President to serve two non-consecutive terms, this rest stop has bathrooms at both ends of the facility to make things easier for older men, who typically leave the restroom, but shortly return for a second time.

Thomas Edison: Ironically, this rest stop has no electricity, so if you arrive at night, good luck in finding the restroom, and be prepared to make your own Starbucks Grande Mocha Frappuchino without a blender.

Joyce Kilmer: The most rustic of the rest stops, with no facilities at all — just an abundance of trees. Great for walking your dog, but not so accommodating for women, one of whom has filed a sex discrimination lawsuit against the heirs of this great man named “Joyce.”

Woodrow Wilson: Known for its famous Doughboys pizza, and Fourteen Points of entry — which makes it particularly difficult to locate your car upon exiting. Also the perfect place for a man who’s feeling just a bit sick and tired, to let his wife take over the driving responsibilities.

Clara Barton: In honor of this heroic Civil War nurse, weary motorists will be able to enjoy the experience of dining on hospital food, while receiving soft drinks intravenously.

Walt Whitman: This stop offers vast expanses of Leaves of Grass, upon which drivers will be able to sit and contemplate why they ever hit the road in the first place, instead of staying home to read a good book.

“VIVA … VIAGRA! FOR AN ERECTION THAT DOES LAST AFTER ‘FORE’ HOURS, AND HELPS YOU SINK YOUR PUTZ.”

“THE NUMEROUS AFFAIRS WITH WOMEN WERE BAD ENOUGH, BUT THE REVELATIONS OF ORAL SEX WITH THE CLOWN ON THE MINIATURE GOLF COURSE MAY PROVE TO BE THE ‘LAST HOLE’ THAT TIGER EVER PLAYS.”

Twitter, the phenomenon that has taken the world by storm the past few years, has now been dramatically eclipsed by ‘Yada,’ an even more succinct social networking and micro-blogging site.

The meteoric rise of Yada represents ‘tweet revenge’  for its diminutive founder, Curt B. Terseman, who was banned by Twitter for repeatedly yada yada-ing his tweets. In keeping with his hallmark brevity, Terseman settled on the name “Yada” after rejecting the initial names of  ”Yada, Yada, Yada,” or even “Yada, Yada,” so that users could “‘yada” their “yada, yada, yadas.”

Many social networking experts believe that Yada poses an existential threat to the Twitter franchise, since the increasingly diminished attention span of Americans appeared to be out-of-synch with Twitter’s rather verbose platform of 140 characters. As one analyst put it, “Yada appears to be much better suited to the current vogue of ‘saying less with less’.”

Indeed, support for this theory is also evident from newly recast DVD versions of Seinfeld, in which the entire ‘Yada Yada’ episode  is cut from 22 minutes to just 2 minutes, consisting entirely of “yadas.”

A spokesman for Twitter responded to this negative press by tweeting a statement of exactly 140 characters, in which he signaled his future plans to “fully address the growing Yada threat, as soon as I finish rearranging my sock drawer and changing the cat litter.”

Yada’s Mr. Terseman, who reportedly prefers “Leon” from Curb Your Enthusiam to any Seinfeld character, himself replied on Yada, vowing that he “would not rest until I’ve completely yada’d up Twitter’s yada-yada-ing ass.”

But perhaps the Yada explosion was best summed up by author Malcolm Gladwell, who stated that “this may well be the ‘tipping point’ for micro-blogging: ‘blink,’ and you might just miss the message from people who are hardly ‘outliers,’ but instead simply have nothing to say.”

“HOLY SHIT, MUST DRIVE FASTER, GODZILLA CLOSING GROUND.”

“SIMPLY AMAZING. THEIR NAME SOUNDS ARABIC, THEY HAVEN’T EVEN BEEN BORN, YET THERE SEEMS TO BE PHOTOGRAPHIC EVIDENCE THAT THEY WORSHIP AT TEMPLE EMANUEL.”