“I’VE BEEN ON SUCH A ROLL OF GOOD LUCK LATELY, BUT THE CLINCHER FOR COOPERSTOWN WAS THAT EVEN THOUGH I WAS A ‘NO-HOMER,’ I DID HAVE MORE THAN 3000 HITS OF COCAINE.”

7. Movie Trailer Voiceovers:  “IN A WORLD GONE PERFECTLY RATIONAL ….”

6. Pinch-hitting for Don Pardo:  “LIVE FROM NEW YORK, WAIT, THE SHOW IS ALREADY OVER, IT’S SUNDAY MORNING.”

5. Supermarket Manager: “CLEANUP IN AISLE 2 … AISLE 2.”

4. Strip Club DJ: “GENTLEMAN, LET’S GIVE IT UP FOR  36D, CRYSTAL, 36D.”

3. Soccer Announcer: “GOAL.”

2. TV Pitchman: “AND IF YOU CALL WITHIN THE NEXT 2 HOURS, I STILL WON’T BE FINISHED WITH MY PITCH.”

1. Johnny Carson’s Sidekick: “NOW MONOLOGUING, JOHNNY CARSON, ABOUT WIFE NO. 3, WIFE NO. 3.”

Sheppard, who had been with the Yankees since 1951, stated he wanted “to play in a more favored location than even New York or South Beach, and with an even better supporting cast, God and the Angels.”

In an apparent bid to outdo the LeBron circus, Sheppard by-passed both ESPN and the Yankees’ own network, YES, and made the announcement directly from the heavens.

Hell, otherwise known as Cleveland, Ohio, expressed angry disappointment that Sheppard failed to keep an alleged promise to join the Cavaliers, with its owner vowing to get even. But Sheppard, ever the class gentlemen, still promised to announce Hell’s proprietor, as “Now ratting, Lucifer … No. 666.”

But the biggest loser was the Yankee organization itself, which issued a statement from its majority owner, George Steinbrenner, asserting that “after all these years, we had expected Mr. Sheppard to forego heaven in favor of spending his eternity in Monument Park.”

Sheppard also put aside concerns that he was joining a team that wouldn’t be considered his own,  emphasizing that he could now not only do voice-overs for the Almighty himself,  but might even be afforded the chance to control the outcome of sporting events, instead of just announcing them.

Refusing to comment on this development was Morgan Freeman, who was still expected to retain his claim to be the “Face of God.”

But despite mixed public reaction over Bob Sheppard’s latest career move, there seemed to be near universal disappointment that he didn’t take Jim Gray along with him.

“WE FEEL THIS GUY REPRESENTS THE IDEAL GOP VOTER — SOMEONE  WHO CAN SWALLOW AND DIGEST HUGE QUANTITIES OF RED MEAT CRAP … WITHOUT EVER BARFING.”

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BuzzFlash’s Mark Karlin on more GOP indigestion:  Senator Who Denounces Supreme Court “Judicial Activism” is Like Being a Vegetarian Who Owns a Slaughterhouse.

Madkane’s Independence Day Ode (Limerick).

“ALRIGHT, KOBAYASHI, WE HAD TO BUST YA’ FOR NOT LEGALLY ENTERING THE CONTEST, BUT AT LEAST WE KNOW YOU WON’T TRY A HUNGER STRIKE IN PRISON.”

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Story at HuffPost.

“WELL, FANS, THIS ONE MIGHT ACTUALLY BE REAL, USUALLY THEY FAKE IT EVEN WHEN THEY’RE NOT EVEN TOUCHED.”

Disney CEO Bob Iger

“BY BLACKING OUT THE ENTIRE SHOW, WE HOPE  TO WIN THE OSCAR FOR THE MOST AMBITIOUS JOB EVER … IN BOTH FILM EDITING AND SOUND EDITING.”

“YES, I’VE BEEN A VERY BAD BOY FOR DELIVERING MY CALZONES TO THE WRONG HOUSE, AND NOW IT’S TIME FOR MY SPANKING.”

“It’s about a man who gets kicked out of heaven for fighting with the angels and repeatedly using ‘goddamn,’ and then fantasizes about gaining redemption by preventing children from falling off clouds. And I’ll be talking about it on Oprah, Twitter and Facebook.”

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Lisa Casey on the GOP’s ‘About-Face.”

Dan Kurtzman’s Political Cartoons of the Week.

My great thanks to the entire HumorFeed community, particularly E.F. Watley, who runs this august humor site, the judges and fellow contributors that made this possible, and all my loyal supporters and readers.

In addition to being Jewish, I guess I’m now really blackballed from Santa’s list.