Disney CEO Bob Iger

“BY BLACKING OUT THE ENTIRE SHOW, WE HOPE  TO WIN THE OSCAR FOR THE MOST AMBITIOUS JOB EVER … IN BOTH FILM EDITING AND SOUND EDITING.”

“YES, I’VE BEEN A VERY BAD BOY FOR DELIVERING MY CALZONES TO THE WRONG HOUSE, AND NOW IT’S TIME FOR MY SPANKING.”

“It’s about a man who gets kicked out of heaven for fighting with the angels and repeatedly using ‘goddamn,’ and then fantasizes about gaining redemption by preventing children from falling off clouds. And I’ll be talking about it on Oprah, Twitter and Facebook.”

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Lisa Casey on the GOP’s ‘About-Face.”

Dan Kurtzman’s Political Cartoons of the Week.

No, you Seinfeld fanatics — not that kind of  “contest!” I’m talking about the highly prestigious, dynamite, Nobel-like 1st Place prize in this year’s  HumorFeed contest for Best Satire of the Year. My winning entry: A Real War On Christmas: Outrage Grows Over Excessive Bonuses To Santa’s Elves.

My great thanks to the entire HumorFeed community, particularly E.F. Watley, who runs this august humor site, the judges and fellow contributors that made this possible, and all my loyal supporters and readers.

In addition to being Jewish, I guess I’m now really blackballed from Santa’s list.

“I REALLY ONLY DID IT TO RECOVER FROM A CLOSE ENCOUNTER WITH KRYPTONITE, BUT I STILL FEEL THAT MY ABILITY TO FLY AND SEE THROUGH PEOPLE’S CLOTHES AT THE AIRPORT WAS A GOD-GIVEN GIFT. BUT AS FOR MY MASKED FRIEND HERE, I THINK HE’D ADMIT HE DID IT TO INCREASE HIS BAT-SPEED.”

“FOR CHRISSAKES, MARK, WHEN YOU ‘CRY ME A RIVER,’ YOU REALLY AIN’T KIDDING.”

“LOOKS LIKE I’M GETTING REPLACED, SINCE HOW CAN ‘JOE CAMEL’ POSSIBLY COMPETE WITH ‘TOE CAMEL’.”

“DAMN, I’D LOVE TO FINISH MY VACATION, BUT THEY’RE AFRAID I MIGHT FALL OUT OF THE ‘SACK’ AND OFF THE DAMN TERRACE.”

As the holiday season reaches its climax, motorists will be hitting the road en masse, in an annual ritual that appears to defy  bad weather, the bad economy, or just plain bad judgment. Here then, in a public service to those travelers in the Northeast, is a handy guide to the most interesting rest stops on The New Jersey Turnpike, which are named after some of New Jersey’s most famous citizens and fellow travelers.

Vince Lombardi — Absolutely no bathrooms or refreshments; instead all visitors will be required to do 50 push-ups and 10 wind sprints.

Alexander Hamilton — Assuming you manage to survive the “Lombardi treatment,” an even more daunting challenge awaits, as travelers try their hand at preserving their honor by dueling fellow vacationers. The winner has an opportunity to square off against the survivor of the Chris Matthews-Zell Miller duel.

Grover Cleveland: Named for the only U.S. President to serve two non-consecutive terms, this rest stop has bathrooms at both ends of the facility to make things easier for older men, who typically leave the restroom, but shortly return for a second time.

Thomas Edison: Ironically, this rest stop has no electricity, so if you arrive at night, good luck in finding the restroom, and be prepared to make your own Starbucks Grande Mocha Frappuchino without a blender.

Joyce Kilmer: The most rustic of the rest stops, with no facilities at all — just an abundance of trees. Great for walking your dog, but not so accommodating for women, one of whom has filed a sex discrimination lawsuit against the heirs of this great man named “Joyce.”

Woodrow Wilson: Known for its famous Doughboys pizza, and Fourteen Points of entry — which makes it particularly difficult to locate your car upon exiting. Also the perfect place for a man who’s feeling just a bit sick and tired, to let his wife take over the driving responsibilities.

Clara Barton: In honor of this heroic Civil War nurse, weary motorists will be able to enjoy the experience of dining on hospital food, while receiving soft drinks intravenously.

Walt Whitman: This stop offers vast expanses of Leaves of Grass, upon which drivers will be able to sit and contemplate why they ever hit the road in the first place, instead of staying home to read a good book.

“VIVA … VIAGRA! FOR AN ERECTION THAT DOES LAST AFTER ‘FORE’ HOURS, AND HELPS YOU SINK YOUR PUTZ.”