“YA KNOW, OPRAH, I READ A LOT OF THESE RECIPE MAGAZINES, WHICH THEY DO HAVE IN ALASKA, AND THEY RECOMMEND A FEW GOOD ALTERNATIVES TO THE TRADITIONAL THANKSGIVING TURKEY.”

“AS TODAY’S INCIDENT WITH THE US AIRWAYS FLIGHT SHOWS, AL QAEDA HAS TRAINED CANADIAN GEESE TO FLY OVER OUR BORDERS AND ATTACK OUR PLANES. AND THAT’S WHY THIS COUNTRY WOULD’VE BEEN BETTER OFF IF SARAH PALIN HAD SUCCEEDED ME AS VICE PRESIDENT.”

’3 A.M. Phone Call Ad’ Wins Hillary the Presidency, of OnStar

Baseball Decrees the Steroid Age the ‘Shrunken Ball Era’

The Legend of Fred Thompson: A Politician Turned Actor Who Couldn’t Play a Candidate on TV

Evangelicals Claim Prop 8 Protects the Sanctity of Marriages Performed by Elvises in Vegas Chapels

Accused in Hate Crime Plea Bargains Down to ‘Spite’

Famed Photog Annie Leibovitz Uses Negatives to Capture McCain’s Campaign

Iraq Celebrates 5th Anniversary by Re-Gifting Democracy

Rudy Giuliani Reveals His Feet Are Two Different Sizes: a ’9′ and an ’11′

Co-Founder of Slinky Dies, After Falling Down Steps

Pollsters Admit Flaws in Methodology: ‘Exit Polls’ Conducted at Entrances

Sarah Palin Touts Her Experience as a ‘Closet Organizer’

Satirists Riot Over The New Yorker Obama Cartoon

Americans Strongly Believe in God, But One That Only Controls the Outcome of Sporting Events

Due to Snowstorm, Premature Ejaculation Clinic Operating on a 5 Minute Delay

Huckabee Declares He’s Ready to be President From ‘Day Six,’ Literally

Spitzer Scandal Spurs Call for Reform: Public Financing of Hookers

Christian Right Condemns Gay Adoption of Highways

FOX News Blames Obama for Nigerian Spam

Time-Life Issues the Definitive Collection of ‘Bush Scandals’

Sarah Palin Establishes a New ‘Crack in the WOODEN FLOOR’

Stood Up by ‘Joe the Plumber,’ McCain Campaigns with ‘Janitor in a Drum’

Iraqi Shoe Thrower Receives a ‘Seinfeld Sentence’ — Has to Serve as Bush’s Butler (and Shoeshine man)

A Sign of the Times: E*Trade Baby Leaps to Death From His Crib

McCain Claims ‘Multiple House Story’ Helps Him With Mormons

Sarah Palin Takes Phone Call from Napoleon Bonaparte

U.S. Finally Greeted as Liberators, by Wall Street

Lesson Learned: Auto Executives Make Return Trip to D.C. in Flintstones Car

An Ominous Sign for the GOP: Even Mars Turns Blue

Bush’s ‘Mission Accomplished’ Finally Realized: Iraq in Better Shape Than U.S.

Sarah Palin’s Greatest ‘Gift’ to America: Ruining Thanksgiving

Treasury Gives Bailout to Sperm Banks, to Inject Liquidity Into Frozen Markets

Blagojevich, Preparing for the Worst, Plans to Sell His Own ‘Seat’ in Jail

Conspiracy Theory of ‘Second Shoe Thrower’ Raised by Abdul-liver Stone

Bernie Madoff’s Fraud Reaches Beyond Jewish Community: Ran Pyramid Scheme in Egypt

House of Tudor Lays Claim to Vacant NY Senate Seat

Cheney Voices Concern Biden Will Diminish the ‘Vice’ in Vice Presidency

GOP Realizes Its Worst Nightmare: Black Man Elected to Lead U.S. Out of The Dark Ages

“AND RIGHT AFTER THAT, I’M GOIN’ AFTER BULLWINKLE THE MOOSE.”

“OUR LEAD STORY TONIGHT.  AFTER VIEWING SARAH PALIN’S ‘FOWL’ INTERVIEW, MILLIONS OF AMERICANS ARE CANCELLING THEIR ORDERS FOR ‘TOM THE TURKEY,’ AND PLANNING TO GO WITH TOFU BURGERS THIS THANKSGIVING. REPORTING ON THE LONG LINES AT TIMMY’S TOFU HUT IN TALLAHASSEE,  HERE’S ANDREA MITCHELL.”

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BLOGWORTHIES:

Meg White at BuzzFlash: Let the Unions Run the Big Three: Fire the Execs and Sell Their Private Jets.

The Daily Show Celebrates Iraq Surrenders, via One Good Move.

Lisa Casey on Palin the Turkey: Deliverance Meets Fargo .

Dan Kurtzman with The Week’s Best Late-Night Jokes.

“KEITH, DECAPITATION APPEARS TO BE THE MOST APPROPRIATE WAY TO DEAL WITH THE TURKEYS IN THE BUSH ADMINISTRATION, AND I WOULDN’T BE CONSTITUTIONALLY OPPOSED TO BUSH ‘PARDONING’ HIMSELF.”

“FORGET ANY ‘PARDON.’  YOU BETCHA’ I’M GONNA SLAUGHTER AND STUFF THAT TURKEY McCAIN, ALONG WITH HIS WHOLE STAFF,  SO THAT I CAN GO ON WITH MY GOBBLEDYGOOK FOR THE NEXT FOUR YEARS.” 

The Real Turkey massacre here: