“YES, IT’S TRUE RACHEL, WHEN I’M ON THE DAILY SHOW, I RALLY FOR SANITY BY HECKLING THE RIGHT-WING. AT ALL OTHER TIMES, HOWEVER, I ASSUME AN INSANE ALTER EGO AND TRY TO HIDE MY LIBERAL VIEWS.”

“YOU SEE, RACHEL, IT’S OBVIOUS THAT WHERE STEPHEN COLBERT PLAYS A FICTIONAL CONSERVATIVE CHARACTER ON HIS SHOW, AND THE ACTUAL CONSERVATIVES TAKE HIM SERIOUSLY …  SO TOO I’VE FOOLED ALL THE LIBERALS INTO ACTUALLY THINKING I’M ONE OF THEM.”

Video at HuffPost.

“LISTEN, MR. COHEN, IF YOU WANT YOUR BALL-SACK BACK WHEN YOU LEAVE THE STUDIO, JUST LET MY PRODUCER KNOW, BUT ALL OF AMERICA HAS JUST WITNESSED YOU TAKING IT UP THE ASS.”

Story and video at HuffPost.

“SENATOR ENSIGN, YOU COME TO ME ON THE DAY YOU SCREWED THE WIFE OF YOUR TOP AIDE, AND YOU ASK ME TO KILL THE COMMANDMENT OF ”THOU SHALL NOT COMMIT ADULTERY?”

AlterNet with the Transcript of The Rachel Maddow Show on the Family — Washington D.C.’s “C Street House,”

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BuzzFlash with Tom Coburn as GOP Hypocrite of the Week, and Mark Karlin on Liz Cheney as Dick’s Mole in the State Department.

Norm Jenson with The Daily Show’s White Men Can’t Judge.

Dan Kurtzman with the Sonia Sotomayor Joke Round-Up.

“WHY SHOULD WE SUPPORT A PROGRAM THAT LEAVES THE GOP EXPOSED … AS THE ONLY SCUMBAGS LEFT IN THE NATION’S CAPITAL.”

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BuzzFlash’s Mark Karlin reviews Jimmy Carter’s new book on his Middle East Peace Plan. 

A NY Times Essay on Elevating Science, Elevating Democracy, at One Good Move.

Rachel Maddow on the Stimulus Showdown, at Crooks & Liars.

“SORRY, OTIS, YOU’RE GONNA’ HAVE TO SLEEP THIS ONE OFF SOMEWHERE ELSE TONIGHT — WE GOTTA’ MAKE ROOM FOR KHALID SHAIKH MOHAMMED.”

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“Gee, Pa, can I make a movie about this when I grow up?”

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Lisa Casey on Osama’s reaction.

Norm Jenson with Robert Redford on Maddow, in Acres of Land Saved.

“MR. PRESIDENT-ELECT, I JUST SPOKE TO RONNIE, DWIGHT EISENHOWER AND ABRAHAM LINCOLN, AND THEY ALL SAID THE SAME THING: DON’T EVEN THINK ABOUT BRINGING ANY OF THESE CRAZY ASS, KNOW-NOTHING REPUBLICANS INTO YOUR ADMINISTRATION!”

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Staying on topic, P.M. Carpenter at BuzzFlash on Palin’s Legacy: The Agony of Ignorance.

Lisa Casey has the perfect vacation spot for retiring Republicans.

Rachel Maddow on the Colbert Report, at One Good Move.

“WE MADE ARRANGEMENTS TO GIVE THESE POOR SHMUCKS ROLES AS EXTRAS …  IN THE REMAKE OF FRANKENSTEIN.”

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BuzzFlash’s P.M. Carpenter on John McCain: both Faust and Frankenstein.

Rachel Maddow on Jay Leno, at One Good Move.

SNL Spoofs the Presidential Debate, via Dan Kurtzman

Fed up with almost 60 years of hostility from her nihilistic neighbors, Israel has finally withdrawn from Israel, and did what most other Jews do as they approach their seventh decade: retire to Florida.

However, even this move was condemned as a hostile action by the Arab world, since Israel’s departure from the Middle East seriously threatens the region’s second largest cottage industry, terrorism.

Consequently, Hezbollah began to export its terror tactics abroad, by attempting an attack on Boca Raton at 4:30 p.m. yesterday. The operation was timed to coincide, for maximum impact, with the Jewish High Holiday of Early Bird Special.

Hezbollah’s leader, Sheik Hassan Nasrallah, stated that while the Arab Nation “still wanted to drive the Jews into the sea, we really didn’t have in mind the Boca Raton Resort & Beach Club.”

Serendipitously, the plot was foiled by a white-haired, white-shoed, white-belted octogenarian wearing a Members Only jacket in 98-degree heat, when he backed his Buick into a flatbed truck carrying men wearing flip-flops, bermuda shorts and black hoods, as they were leaving Costco after purchasing the extra-jumbo sized bag of fertilizer.

Costco itself is being investigated for systematically issuing its club cards in the names of Hamas, Hezbollah, and The Aryan Nation, and for not sounding alarm bells when the fertilizer was purchased without any coupons.

However, not all of the Hezbollah guerrillas were apprehended, as some escaped through Alabama and into Philadelphia, Missisisippi. This, in turn, led to massive air strikes by expatriate Israelis, who completely leveled that notoriously racist town, the first Israeli military action ever approved by the U.N.

Despite this military setback, Hezbollah continued to achieve political gains.¬† As a result of Florida’s seriously dysfunctional election system, Sheik Nasrallah was elected governor of the Sunshine State, after the United States Supreme Court stepped in and ruled that there was no obligation to count thousands of hanging voters.

Finally, in related news, Israeli commandos simultaneously launched a major ground “offensive” against Mel Gibson.

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BLOGWORTHIES:

BuzzFlash’s¬†Bush as Lord of the Flies.¬†

Skippy on Lieberman campaign.

All Hat No Cattle’s Bush Armageddon edition.