“WHAT DID TRUMP DO TODAY? HE GOT UP, BRAGGED HE HAD BOTH THE MOST MONEY AND THE BIGGEST DICK — NOW THERE’S YOUR BLOWHARD ABOUT NOTHING!”

Story here.

“OK, MAYBE WE’LL JUST KEEP MEDICARE THE  WAY IT IS … AT LEAST TO PAY FOR THE REMOVAL OF AN ANGRY VOTER’S VOCAL CHORDS.”

Story at ThinkProgress.

“WE USED TO THINK THE REPUBLICANS WERE JUST MEATHEADS, BUT IT’S NOW PAINFULLY APPARENT THEY’RE AS BRAIN-DEAD AS A VEGETABLE.”

Story here.

“Now, with the Arabs, I’d take all their oil, but with the Indians, who are not as bad — after all, they work those long hours at the 7/11 — I’d just take their Taj Mahal for my casino in Atlantic City.”

Story and video at Crooks & Liars.

“IF I’M PRESIDENT WE’LL NOT ONLY STAND UP TO THE CHINESE COMMIES, BUT KICK THEIR ASS AND TAKE  ALL THE TEA IN CHINA.”

“IT’S NOT ONLY CIRCULAR IN NAME, BUT A CIRCULAR FIRING SQUAD FOR THE GOP, AND A CIRCLE JERK FOR THE AMERICAN PEOPLE.”

“WE DON’T OFFER PAP SMEARS, BUT WE FEEL THAT THIS NEW PRODUCT, THE DOOCY DOUCHE, IS THE EQUIVALENT OF A SAP SMEAR.”

Story at Crooks & Liars.

“THAT’S RIGHT, FOLKS, JUST LOWER THOSE GOP BASTARDS STRAIGHT DOWN TO MIDDLE EARTH, AND MAYBE, JUST MAYBE, THE MIDDLE CLASS WILL HAVE A CHANCE.”

“TO PRESSURE ME TO BACK OFF ON THE BUDGET CUTS,  THE WHITE HOUSE PUT ME UNDER THE HOT LIGHTS, BUT WHAT THEY DIDN’T KNOW IS  … THAT’S EXACTLY WHAT I LIKE.”

“WE’RE GONNA’ PROVIDE PLANNED PARENTHOOD WITH EXTRA FUNDS TO DEVELOP A GIANT CONDOM TO PLACE OVER THE HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES … AND IF THAT DOESN’T WORK, THE EPA WILL HAVE THE POWER TO REGULATE RED-HOUSE GASES.”