“ACCORDING TO THESE HIGHLY-CLASSIFIED DOCUMENTS, THE GOAL WAS NOT ONLY TO KEEP BIN LADEN AS FAR AWAY AS POSSIBLE FROM 72 VIRGINS, BUT TO LEAVE HIM IN A PLACE WHERE THERE WAS VIRTUALLY NO CHANCE OF INTERCOURSE IN THE AFTER-LIFE.”

“I AM IN FACT INVESTIGATING THE MOON LANDING. AFTER ALL, I NEVER HEARD OF ‘ASTRONAUT UNIVERSITY,’  THE MAN IN THE MOON NEVER SAID HE SAW ANY OF THESE SO-CALLED ASTRONAUTS, AND IF THEY DID ACTUALLY LAND ON THE MOON, WHERE THE FUCK IS THE SWISS CHEESE THEY WERE SUPPOSED TO BRING HOME.”

“NOT ONLY DO I MAKE MY LINE OF CLOTHING IN CHINA, BUT THEY AGREED TO PUT THE ‘TRUMP’ NAME ON THEIR REALLY, REALLY GREAT FUCKING WALL.”

More on Trumpian Hypocrisy here.

“WE NOT ONLY LOCKED OUT THIS SONUVABITCH TOOL OF THE OWNERS, BUT KICKED HIM IN THE ASS … FOR THREATENING TO RUIN THE ENTIRE SEASON.”

“IT’S REALLY NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR OBAMA TO REVEAL IF HE WEARS BOXERS OR BRIEFS, WE WON’T BE SATISFIED UNTIL HE RELEASES HIS LONG JOHNS.”

“LET’S FACE IT, THERE ARE SOME SERIOUS DOUBTS ABOUT HIS  BRITISH CITIZENSHIP. HIS TEETH ARE NOT THAT BAD, AND HE’S MARRYING AN EXTREMELY ATTRACTIVE WOMAN. SO IN A FEW WEEKS, I’LL BE MAKING AN ANNOUNCEMENT ABOUT MY CANDIDACY FOR THE THRONE.”

“NOW AS FAR AS GOD IS CONCERNED, NOBODY EVER RECALLS SEEING HIM, THERE’S NO RECORD OF HIS ATTENDANCE AT ANY SCHOOLS, AND MY INVESTIGATORS HAVE CHECKED THE RECORDS GOING BACK OVER 6000 YEARS …  AND STILL NO SIGN OF A BIRTH CERTIFICATE.”

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BuzzFlash Editor Mark Karlin: The “Glory Days” of Scott Walker May Already be Over.

One Good Move with The Security Mirage.

Recommended Reading at BartCopE!

“MY AGENT TOLD ME I CAN REALLY RAKE IN THE DOUGH WITH AN ACTING CAREER, PLAYING THE DICKISH BUSINESSMAN IN THOSE TEEN MOVIES THEY ALWAYS SHOW ON HBO.”

“ALREADY, THE NEW TERM ‘ENSIGNATION’ HAS ENTERED INTO OUR LEXICON — WHICH MEANS THAT DESPITE ONE’S RESIGNATION, YOU SCREWED UP SO BADLY THAT EVEN THE CONGRESSIONAL ETHICS COMMITTEE IS FOLLOWING YOU HOME.”

Story here.

“LEMME TELL YA’  – ANYBODY CAN GET A COUPLE OF PIECES OF PLYWOOD AND FAKE A CRUCIFIXION. BUT I KNOW A LOT OF ROMANS WHO TELL ME THEY COULDN’T EVEN FIND JESUS’ BODY, LET ALONE A DEATH CERTIFICATE.”