’3 A.M. Phone Call Ad’ Wins Hillary the Presidency, of OnStar

Baseball Decrees the Steroid Age the ‘Shrunken Ball Era’

The Legend of Fred Thompson: A Politician Turned Actor Who Couldn’t Play a Candidate on TV

Evangelicals Claim Prop 8 Protects the Sanctity of Marriages Performed by Elvises in Vegas Chapels

Accused in Hate Crime Plea Bargains Down to ‘Spite’

Famed Photog Annie Leibovitz Uses Negatives to Capture McCain’s Campaign

Iraq Celebrates 5th Anniversary by Re-Gifting Democracy

Rudy Giuliani Reveals His Feet Are Two Different Sizes: a ’9′ and an ’11′

Co-Founder of Slinky Dies, After Falling Down Steps

Pollsters Admit Flaws in Methodology: ‘Exit Polls’ Conducted at Entrances

Sarah Palin Touts Her Experience as a ‘Closet Organizer’

Satirists Riot Over The New Yorker Obama Cartoon

Americans Strongly Believe in God, But One That Only Controls the Outcome of Sporting Events

Due to Snowstorm, Premature Ejaculation Clinic Operating on a 5 Minute Delay

Huckabee Declares He’s Ready to be President From ‘Day Six,’ Literally

Spitzer Scandal Spurs Call for Reform: Public Financing of Hookers

Christian Right Condemns Gay Adoption of Highways

FOX News Blames Obama for Nigerian Spam

Time-Life Issues the Definitive Collection of ‘Bush Scandals’

Sarah Palin Establishes a New ‘Crack in the WOODEN FLOOR’

Stood Up by ‘Joe the Plumber,’ McCain Campaigns with ‘Janitor in a Drum’

Iraqi Shoe Thrower Receives a ‘Seinfeld Sentence’ — Has to Serve as Bush’s Butler (and Shoeshine man)

A Sign of the Times: E*Trade Baby Leaps to Death From His Crib

McCain Claims ‘Multiple House Story’ Helps Him With Mormons

Sarah Palin Takes Phone Call from Napoleon Bonaparte

U.S. Finally Greeted as Liberators, by Wall Street

Lesson Learned: Auto Executives Make Return Trip to D.C. in Flintstones Car

An Ominous Sign for the GOP: Even Mars Turns Blue

Bush’s ‘Mission Accomplished’ Finally Realized: Iraq in Better Shape Than U.S.

Sarah Palin’s Greatest ‘Gift’ to America: Ruining Thanksgiving

Treasury Gives Bailout to Sperm Banks, to Inject Liquidity Into Frozen Markets

Blagojevich, Preparing for the Worst, Plans to Sell His Own ‘Seat’ in Jail

Conspiracy Theory of ‘Second Shoe Thrower’ Raised by Abdul-liver Stone

Bernie Madoff’s Fraud Reaches Beyond Jewish Community: Ran Pyramid Scheme in Egypt

House of Tudor Lays Claim to Vacant NY Senate Seat

Cheney Voices Concern Biden Will Diminish the ‘Vice’ in Vice Presidency

GOP Realizes Its Worst Nightmare: Black Man Elected to Lead U.S. Out of The Dark Ages

Now its time to say goodbye, to Sarah and her kin.
She plans to do some studyin’, to find those Africans.
You’re all invited back, to see what she can do that’s dumber 
While she plots to run in two-oh- twelve with Mr. Joe the Plumber

For President, that is. Can’t spell, Takes her shoes off to count.

“JED CLAMPETT, WELCOME SIR. IS IT TRUE THAT JETHRO’S FIXIN’ TO VOTE FOR THAT PALIN WOMAN IN 2012.”

“MR. MATTHEWS, I GOTTA HAVE A LONG TALK WITH THAT BOY.”

“I TOLD YOU I CAN SEE THE FUTURE FROM MY WINDOW.”

“THERE ARE SOME KNOWNS THAT YOU ALWAYS KNOW, AND ONE KNOWN THAT I KNOW IS THAT PALIN KNOWS EVEN LESS THAN I DID ABOUT IRAQ.”

“THE TRULY AMAZING THING ABOUT THIS MAN WAS THAT HE WAS ABLE TO USE HIS OWN SODA POP TO CURE POLIO. AND EVEN MORE REMARKABLY, HE HAD A DIET VERSION FOR DIABETICS.”

“Its gonna take a lot to drag me away from here
There’s nothing that a hundred Senators could ever do
I bless my reign down in NAFTRA- CA
Gonna take some time to screw everything up again”

The real song — Toto’s Africa .

“YES, MR. MANUTE BOL, IT’S AN HONOR TO SPEAK WITH THE PRESIDENT OF AFRICA.  NOW, I’M NOT A LAWYER, BUT IF YOU WAN’T SOMEONE TO ‘SUE DAN,’ I’M SURE I CAN REFER YOU TO TED STEVENS’ ATTORNEY.”

Story at HuffPost.

“YES, GOD, I CAN’T HEAR YOU, BUT I CAN FEEL YOUR DIVINE PRESENCE, AND WILL CARRY OUT YOUR WILL.”

“MA CHERIE, DO NOT BE AFRAID, MY SCENT CAN NOT BE HALF AS BAD AS YOURS.” 

“HELLO, SENATOR McCAIN?  … YES, I PROMISE YOU THAT I’M A COMPETENT, HONEST, INTELLIGENT PUBLIC SERVANT.”

Story/Audio at Huffington Post.