Having fired their strength and conditioning coach following a rash of injuries, Yankee owner George Steinbrenner today fired the team’s clubhouse attendant, after the team was literally hit with a rash: a massive epidemic of jock itch.

Pete McGinnity, the 96 year-old clubhouse icon¬†who broke in as a young boy washing the jocks of Ruth and Gehrig, had been the “oldest living Yankee” until he was unceremoniously canned.

Indeed, McGinnity started working for the Bronx Bombers before players wore either protective batting helmets, or protective cups.

Yankee owner George Steinbrenner released a statement through his publicist, Howard Rubenstein, stating that “McGinnity had a long and distingushed career as a Yankee, but as a result of him using the wrong laundry detergent, it was time to give him the Bronx Cheer.”¬†¬†¬†

The jock itch epidemic not only sidelined a number of players, but actually sabotaged a game, after the third-base coach, also afflicted with the rash, inadvertently scratched himself and erroneously sent a signal for a suicide squeeze play.

The heavy-set coach issued a mea culpa, stating: “Today, I consider myself, the yucchiest man, at the base of my girth.”

A movie about McGinnity’s life is already being shopped, to be called¬†The Tide of the Yankees.

 

 

 

 

 

Mac Johnson, the slugging outfielder from the Texas Rangers, has demanded a trade from the only team he’s ever played for, in order to put more distance between himself and his family.

Johnson, who’s married with four kids, and has both his parents and in-laws living with him in Arlington, claims that being too “close” to his family is adversely affecting¬†both his on-field performance, as well as his “extra-curricular” activities.

“It’s hard to take full advantage of my celebrity and wealth when my old lady is waiting up for me after games,” Johnson explained.¬† “And even when she’s fallen asleep, my damn mother-in-law¬†is usually first getting up when I try to sneak in around 4:30 a.m.”

Johnson also complained that he’s sick and tired of his kids waking him up when he’s¬†hungover,¬†and that helping¬†them with their homework before he leaves for night games takes away precious¬†time for¬†film study of opposing pitchers.

Johnson indicated that he had considered filing for divorce, but that his agent had advised him that that type of “free agency” would actually cost him millions.¬†

Johnson’s wife went on record as saying that she had no problem with his trade request, adding only that she reserved her right to play with¬†a DH — a “Designated Husband.”