“UNLIKE ARIZONA STATE UNIVERSITY, WE’LL HAVE NO PROBLEM GIVING OUR NEW COMMENCEMENT SPEAKER AN HONORARY DEGREE FOR LIFETIME ACHIEVEMENT.”

“IN THE YEAR 2009, A TALL BLACK MAN WILL GIVE NOTRE DAME’S COMMENCEMENT SPEECH, CONVINCE THE CATHOLIC CHURCH TO ACCEPT ABORTION, AND LEAD THE FOOTBALL TEAM TO A BERTH IN THE BCS CHAMPIONSHIP GAME.”