“SHE’LL NOT ONLY BE DENIED THE COVERAGE SHE NEEDS, BUT WILL PROBABLY END UP IN A BACK ALLEY SEEKING MEDICAL HELP.”

“HEY LADY, JUST TAKE TWO ASPIRIN, AND CALL ME AT 5 AM TOMORROW MORNING.”

“THEY ACTUALLY STARTED WORKING HER OVER DURING THE CARTER ADMINISTRATION, BUT YOU KNOW HOW SLOW AND INEFFICIENT GOVERNMENT CAN BE.”

Having fired their strength and conditioning coach following a rash of injuries, Yankee owner George Steinbrenner today fired the team’s clubhouse attendant, after the team was literally hit with a rash: a massive epidemic of jock itch.

Pete McGinnity, the 96 year-old clubhouse icon¬†who broke in as a young boy washing the jocks of Ruth and Gehrig, had been the “oldest living Yankee” until he was unceremoniously canned.

Indeed, McGinnity started working for the Bronx Bombers before players wore either protective batting helmets, or protective cups.

Yankee owner George Steinbrenner released a statement through his publicist, Howard Rubenstein, stating that “McGinnity had a long and distingushed career as a Yankee, but as a result of him using the wrong laundry detergent, it was time to give him the Bronx Cheer.”¬†¬†¬†

The jock itch epidemic not only sidelined a number of players, but actually sabotaged a game, after the third-base coach, also afflicted with the rash, inadvertently scratched himself and erroneously sent a signal for a suicide squeeze play.

The heavy-set coach issued a mea culpa, stating: “Today, I consider myself, the yucchiest man, at the base of my girth.”

A movie about McGinnity’s life is already being shopped, to be called¬†The Tide of the Yankees.