“JUST TO PROVE I PLAY FAIR, I’LL LET KIRSTEN USE GOVERNOR PATERSON TO CHOOSE, CLEAN AND LOAD HER WEAPON.”

“I’M MUCH BETTER SUITED FOR THAT JOB. SINCE I’M A BIT SHY I’LL ONLY HAVE TO RECITE 39 WORDS EVERY FOUR YEARS, AND I THINK I CAN ‘FAITHFULLY EXECUTE’ THAT TASK — EVEN IF I ADD THE WORDS ‘YA KNOW’.”

“WELL, YA’ KNOW, I KNEW ENOUGH, TO, YA’ KNOW, KNOW THAT YA’ DON’T HAVE TO KNOW ROCKET SCIENCE TO OPPOSE THE IRAQ WAR, SUPPORT BARACK OBAMA FOR PRESIDENT AND, YA’ KNOW,  KNOW THAT EVERY OTHER PERSON MIXED UP IN THIS PROCESS GOT THERE NOT BY WHAT THEY KNOW, BUT BY KNOWING THEIR FATHER OR HUSBAND.”

Politico.com on the, ya’ know, story.

Citing ‘Change’ Over ‘Experience,’ Angry Electorate Votes to Replace God

‘3 A.M. Phone Call Ad’ Wins Hillary the Presidency, of OnStar

Baseball Decrees the Steroid Age the ‘Shrunken Ball Era’

The Legend of Fred Thompson: A Politician Turned Actor Who Couldn’t Play a Candidate on TV

Evangelicals Claim Prop 8 Protects the Sanctity of Marriages Performed by Elvises in Vegas Chapels

Accused in Hate Crime Plea Bargains Down to ‘Spite’

Famed Photog Annie Leibovitz Uses Negatives to Capture McCain’s Campaign

Iraq Celebrates 5th Anniversary by Re-Gifting Democracy

Rudy Giuliani Reveals His Feet Are Two Different Sizes: a ‘9′ and an ‘11′

Co-Founder of Slinky Dies, After Falling Down Steps

Pollsters Admit Flaws in Methodology: ‘Exit Polls’ Conducted at Entrances

Sarah Palin Touts Her Experience as a ‘Closet Organizer’

Satirists Riot Over The New Yorker Obama Cartoon

Americans Strongly Believe in God, But One That Only Controls the Outcome of Sporting Events

Due to Snowstorm, Premature Ejaculation Clinic Operating on a 5 Minute Delay

Huckabee Declares He’s Ready to be President From ‘Day Six,’ Literally

Spitzer Scandal Spurs Call for Reform: Public Financing of Hookers

Christian Right Condemns Gay Adoption of Highways

FOX News Blames Obama for Nigerian Spam

Time-Life Issues the Definitive Collection of ‘Bush Scandals’

Sarah Palin Establishes a New ‘Crack in the WOODEN FLOOR’

Stood Up by ‘Joe the Plumber,’ McCain Campaigns with ‘Janitor in a Drum’

Iraqi Shoe Thrower Receives a ‘Seinfeld Sentence’ — Has to Serve as Bush’s Butler (and Shoeshine man)

A Sign of the Times: E*Trade Baby Leaps to Death From His Crib

McCain Claims ‘Multiple House Story’ Helps Him With Mormons

Sarah Palin Takes Phone Call from Napoleon Bonaparte

U.S. Finally Greeted as Liberators, by Wall Street

Lesson Learned: Auto Executives Make Return Trip to D.C. in Flintstones Car

An Ominous Sign for the GOP: Even Mars Turns Blue

Bush’s ‘Mission Accomplished’ Finally Realized: Iraq in Better Shape Than U.S.

Sarah Palin’s Greatest ‘Gift’ to America: Ruining Thanksgiving

Treasury Gives Bailout to Sperm Banks, to Inject Liquidity Into Frozen Markets

Blagojevich, Preparing for the Worst, Plans to Sell His Own ‘Seat’ in Jail

Conspiracy Theory of ‘Second Shoe Thrower’ Raised by Abdul-liver Stone

Bernie Madoff’s Fraud Reaches Beyond Jewish Community: Ran Pyramid Scheme in Egypt

House of Tudor Lays Claim to Vacant NY Senate Seat

Cheney Voices Concern Biden Will Diminish the ‘Vice’ in Vice Presidency

GOP Realizes Its Worst Nightmare: Black Man Elected to Lead U.S. Out of The Dark Ages

“THOSE NEW YORKERS MAY HAVE LEGACIES IN A GOVERNOR, AND TWO SENATE CANDIDATES VYING TO REPLACE THE WIFE OF A FORMER PRESIDENT, BUT WHEN IT COMES TO NEPOTISM, I’M TAKING THINGS TO A WHOLE … ‘NOTHER … LEVEL.”  

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Video of BuzzFlash’s Mark Karlin on the media, Blagojevich and systemic corruption.

Latest on the Wasilla Hillbillies, at All Hat No Cattle.

Dan Kurtzman with The 25 Dumbest Political Quotes of 2008.

“NOW THERE THEY WERE, AT HARLEM’S FAMED SYLVIA’S RESTAURANT, AND CAROLINE YELLS OUT: ‘MOTHERF**CKER, I WANT ANOTHER GLASS OF CHABLIS’.”

“LET’S FACE IT, FIRST, SHE COMES OUT AGAINST A FEMALE SENATOR AND A POLITICAL HEAVYWEIGHT IN HER OWN STATE. AND NOW SHE BACKS GAY MARRIAGE.  WITH PROFILES IN COURAGE LIKE THAT, SHE’LL NEVER CUT IT IN THE U.S. SENATE.”

“WE HAVE VIDEOTAPED PROOF THAT THE E*TRADE BABY WAS USING A FAKE VOICE, DIVERTING INVESTMENT FUNDS TO PARTY CLOWNS, AND BUNDLING SOILED DIAPERS AS COLLATERALIZED SECURITIES.”  

“IT WAS LIKE, SO EASY … THE SEC WAS CARRYING A BIGGER LOAD OF SHIT THAN I WAS.”

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And P.M. Carpenter asks if Patrick Fitzgerald is guilty of premature E*Blagolation, while Madkane asks Why Caroline Kennedy?