’3 A.M. Phone Call Ad’ Wins Hillary the Presidency, of OnStar

Baseball Decrees the Steroid Age the ‘Shrunken Ball Era’

The Legend of Fred Thompson: A Politician Turned Actor Who Couldn’t Play a Candidate on TV

Evangelicals Claim Prop 8 Protects the Sanctity of Marriages Performed by Elvises in Vegas Chapels

Accused in Hate Crime Plea Bargains Down to ‘Spite’

Famed Photog Annie Leibovitz Uses Negatives to Capture McCain’s Campaign

Iraq Celebrates 5th Anniversary by Re-Gifting Democracy

Rudy Giuliani Reveals His Feet Are Two Different Sizes: a ’9′ and an ’11′

Co-Founder of Slinky Dies, After Falling Down Steps

Pollsters Admit Flaws in Methodology: ‘Exit Polls’ Conducted at Entrances

Sarah Palin Touts Her Experience as a ‘Closet Organizer’

Satirists Riot Over The New Yorker Obama Cartoon

Americans Strongly Believe in God, But One That Only Controls the Outcome of Sporting Events

Due to Snowstorm, Premature Ejaculation Clinic Operating on a 5 Minute Delay

Huckabee Declares He’s Ready to be President From ‘Day Six,’ Literally

Spitzer Scandal Spurs Call for Reform: Public Financing of Hookers

Christian Right Condemns Gay Adoption of Highways

FOX News Blames Obama for Nigerian Spam

Time-Life Issues the Definitive Collection of ‘Bush Scandals’

Sarah Palin Establishes a New ‘Crack in the WOODEN FLOOR’

Stood Up by ‘Joe the Plumber,’ McCain Campaigns with ‘Janitor in a Drum’

Iraqi Shoe Thrower Receives a ‘Seinfeld Sentence’ — Has to Serve as Bush’s Butler (and Shoeshine man)

A Sign of the Times: E*Trade Baby Leaps to Death From His Crib

McCain Claims ‘Multiple House Story’ Helps Him With Mormons

Sarah Palin Takes Phone Call from Napoleon Bonaparte

U.S. Finally Greeted as Liberators, by Wall Street

Lesson Learned: Auto Executives Make Return Trip to D.C. in Flintstones Car

An Ominous Sign for the GOP: Even Mars Turns Blue

Bush’s ‘Mission Accomplished’ Finally Realized: Iraq in Better Shape Than U.S.

Sarah Palin’s Greatest ‘Gift’ to America: Ruining Thanksgiving

Treasury Gives Bailout to Sperm Banks, to Inject Liquidity Into Frozen Markets

Blagojevich, Preparing for the Worst, Plans to Sell His Own ‘Seat’ in Jail

Conspiracy Theory of ‘Second Shoe Thrower’ Raised by Abdul-liver Stone

Bernie Madoff’s Fraud Reaches Beyond Jewish Community: Ran Pyramid Scheme in Egypt

House of Tudor Lays Claim to Vacant NY Senate Seat

Cheney Voices Concern Biden Will Diminish the ‘Vice’ in Vice Presidency

GOP Realizes Its Worst Nightmare: Black Man Elected to Lead U.S. Out of The Dark Ages

“EVEN MORE THAN THE ‘BLACK MAN IN THE ALLEY,’ WHAT WHITE AMERICANS ARE REALLY SCARED SHITLESS OF IS THE ‘CRAZY MAN’ IN THE ALLEY.”

Today’s Frank Rich column.

“I COULDN’T AGREE MORE WITH THE ’2000 JOHN McCAIN,’ WHO WOULD’VE DISAGREED WITH THE ’08 JOHN McCAIN ,’ AND CALLED HIM OUT FOR BEING A SLEAZY DEMAGOGUE WHO IS PLAYING THE RACE CARD.”

“MY MARTIANS, NOW THAT WATER’S BEEN FOUND ON YOUR PLANET, YOU’RE GONNA’ NEED ‘JOE THE PLUMBER’ MORE THAN EVER.”

“I TOLD YOU EARTH WAS AN INFERIOR CIVILIZATION.”

“I’M OBVIOUSLY THROWING UP AN AYERS BALL, POLLUTING  THE AYERSWAVES, AYERSING OUT ALL THE PHONY DIRTY LAUNDRY, AND LEFT WITH NOTHING BUT TO MAKE FUN OF OBAMA’S BIG AYERS.”

“IF YOU ASK THIS UNDERGROUND WEATHERMAN, IF McCAIN WINS, WE’RE LOOKIN’ AT PERMANENT NUCLEAR WINTER WHEN THE WHOLE WORLD BLOWS UP.”

“BRIAN, OUR POLLING SHOWS THAT A MAJORITY OF VOTERS ACTUALLY FAVOR BLOWING UP THE GOVERNMENT.”

“MY FRIENDS, FORGET CHANGE, IF I’M ELECTED I’LL PROMISE YOU AN AYERS-FRESHENER.”

VOICEOVER:

“BARACK OBAMA, SECRETLY INVOLVED IN A GAY MARRIAGE, TO WEATHER UNDERGROUND RADICAL WILLIAM AYERS, IN A CEREMONY PERFORMED BY A MUSLIM CLERIC, AND OPENLY CONSUMMATED IN FRONT OF KINDERGARTENERS.”

BARACK OBAMA, NOT JUST WRONG FOR AMERICA, BUT EVEN WRONG FOR SHOWTIME AND HBO.”

“I’M JOHN McCAIN, AND I APPROVE THIS MESSAGE.”

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BuzzFlash’s Mark Karlin on the real Radical Political and Religious Extremist: Sarah Palin!