10. Old man McCain thought Late Show was taped at 11:30 pm, way past his bedtime.

 9. The economically challenged McCain was afraid he’d have to count down from 10 in doing Top Ten List.

8. McCain concerned that his campaign would sink in game of “Will it float?”

7. Letterman was planning to mock McCain in “Great Moments in Presidential Candidates’ Speeches.”

6. Fear of being accused of a “Stupid Palin trick.”

5. McCain in grave danger of flunking ”Know Your Current Events.”

4. ”CBS Mailbag” routine likely to turn up fake letters written by McCain campaign workers.

3. McCain could not risk losing debate with Late Night announcer Alan Kalter.

2.  Risk of Letterman doing Norm McDonald doing Letterman — “Hey McCain, errrr, Ya’ Got any GUMS?”

1.  McCain excuse of bailing on debate would be “exposed” — when Late Night street camera catches McCain entering Broadway strip joint Flash Dancers.

[One Good Move with the Late Show video of John McCain: Missing in Action.]

And Dan Kurtzman with the complete Letterman story on the AWOL McCain.

However, even this move was condemned as a hostile action by the Arab world, since Israel’s departure from the Middle East seriously threatens the region’s second largest cottage industry, terrorism.

Consequently, Hezbollah began to export its terror tactics abroad, by attempting an attack on Boca Raton at 4:30 p.m. yesterday. The operation was timed to coincide, for maximum impact, with the Jewish High Holiday of Early Bird Special.

Hezbollah’s leader, Sheik Hassan Nasrallah, stated that while the Arab Nation “still wanted to drive the Jews into the sea, we really didn’t have in mind the Boca Raton Resort & Beach Club.”

Serendipitously, the plot was foiled by a white-haired, white-shoed, white-belted octogenarian wearing a Members Only jacket in 98-degree heat, when he backed his Buick into a flatbed truck carrying men wearing flip-flops, bermuda shorts and black hoods, as they were leaving Costco after purchasing the extra-jumbo sized bag of fertilizer.

Costco itself is being investigated for systematically issuing its club cards in the names of Hamas, Hezbollah, and The Aryan Nation, and for not sounding alarm bells when the fertilizer was purchased without any coupons.

However, not all of the Hezbollah guerrillas were apprehended, as some escaped through Alabama and into Philadelphia, Missisisippi. This, in turn, led to massive air strikes by expatriate Israelis, who completely leveled that notoriously racist town, the first Israeli military action ever approved by the U.N.

Despite this military setback, Hezbollah continued to achieve political gains.¬† As a result of Florida’s seriously dysfunctional election system, Sheik Nasrallah was elected governor of the Sunshine State, after the United States Supreme Court stepped in and ruled that there was no obligation to count thousands of hanging voters.

Finally, in related news, Israeli commandos simultaneously launched a major ground “offensive” against Mel Gibson.

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BLOGWORTHIES:

BuzzFlash’s¬†Bush as Lord of the Flies.¬†

Skippy on Lieberman campaign.

All Hat No Cattle’s Bush Armageddon edition.