“BETCHA’ SUNNI.”  “NO, LESS SHIA.”  “FUCK, DUDE, I THINK WE’RE SAYIN’ THE SAME GODDAMN THING.”

“AND SO, EVEN IF YOU FOLKS DON’T HAVE TIME TO WRITE YOUR SENIOR THESIS ON THE “EXCESSES OF THE MODERN MARKET FUNDAMENTALISTS,” I STRONGLY SUGGEST THAT YOU EMAIL A LETTER TO THE EDITOR OF THE NEW YORK TIMES.”

“MY FRIENDS, HOW CAN WE TRUST THE JUDGMENT AND CHARACTER OF A MAN WHO APPEARS ON THE SAME DEBATE STAGE WITH JOHN SIDNEY McCAIN?”

“WE MADE ARRANGEMENTS TO GIVE THESE POOR SHMUCKS ROLES AS EXTRAS …  IN THE REMAKE OF FRANKENSTEIN.”

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BuzzFlash’s P.M. Carpenter on John McCain: both Faust and Frankenstein.

Rachel Maddow on Jay Leno, at One Good Move.

SNL Spoofs the Presidential Debate, via Dan Kurtzman

Lost in all of the¬†hysteria over Mel Gibson’s anti-Semitic tirade is that “Mad Max” has¬†performed a huge public service for the LAPD, by demonstrating that someone can actually be more racist and offensive than their own officers.

Although Gibson blamed his outburst on alcohol, many speculate that he was really venting his frustration over failing to land the Matt Dillon role of the racist cop in the Oscar-winning movie, Crash.

However, there is really no dispute that Mr. Gibson’s intoxication played a major role in the incident, since the deputy who was asked by Gibson about his possible Jewish heritage –¬†was actually black.

While it has been widely reported that the LAPD initially tried to cover up the incident, the full extent of their attempt to “scrub” the record is now first coming to light.¬† Indeed, Gibson’s reported comment that he “owns Malibu” was really a doctored version of his actual words, that he “owned Malijew.”

In addition, the transcript of the confrontation was also changed to read that “the Jews are responsible for all the wars in the world,” when the original reflects that Gibson had instead claimed that “since the Jews are all the dermatologists, they’re responsible for all the warts in the world.”

Gibson’s offensive remarks were not¬†aimed¬†solely at Jews, as he also referred to a female officer as “sugar tits.”¬† Surprisingly, however, the blowback from this remark¬†has not come from the National Organization of Women, but from the National Society for the Prevention of Diabetes.

Gibson, however, did seem genuinely contrite about his anti-Semitic remarks, and promised to make it up to the Jewish people by casting one of their own in the title role, without any stunt doubles, in the remake of Passion of the Christ.

Fed up with almost 60 years of hostility from her nihilistic neighbors, Israel has finally withdrawn from Israel, and did what most other Jews do as they approach their seventh decade: retire to Florida.

However, even this move was condemned as a hostile action by the Arab world, since Israel’s departure from the Middle East seriously threatens the region’s second largest cottage industry, terrorism.

Consequently, Hezbollah began to export its terror tactics abroad, by attempting an attack on Boca Raton at 4:30 p.m. yesterday. The operation was timed to coincide, for maximum impact, with the Jewish High Holiday of Early Bird Special.

Hezbollah’s leader, Sheik Hassan Nasrallah, stated that while the Arab Nation “still wanted to drive the Jews into the sea, we really didn’t have in mind the Boca Raton Resort & Beach Club.”

Serendipitously, the plot was foiled by a white-haired, white-shoed, white-belted octogenarian wearing a Members Only jacket in 98-degree heat, when he backed his Buick into a flatbed truck carrying men wearing flip-flops, bermuda shorts and black hoods, as they were leaving Costco after purchasing the extra-jumbo sized bag of fertilizer.

Costco itself is being investigated for systematically issuing its club cards in the names of Hamas, Hezbollah, and The Aryan Nation, and for not sounding alarm bells when the fertilizer was purchased without any coupons.

However, not all of the Hezbollah guerrillas were apprehended, as some escaped through Alabama and into Philadelphia, Missisisippi. This, in turn, led to massive air strikes by expatriate Israelis, who completely leveled that notoriously racist town, the first Israeli military action ever approved by the U.N.

Despite this military setback, Hezbollah continued to achieve political gains.¬† As a result of Florida’s seriously dysfunctional election system, Sheik Nasrallah was elected governor of the Sunshine State, after the United States Supreme Court stepped in and ruled that there was no obligation to count thousands of hanging voters.

Finally, in related news, Israeli commandos simultaneously launched a major ground “offensive” against Mel Gibson.

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BLOGWORTHIES:

BuzzFlash’s¬†Bush as Lord of the Flies.¬†

Skippy on Lieberman campaign.

All Hat No Cattle’s Bush Armageddon edition.