“AND AFTER THE WELFARE STATE OF PLYMOUTH COMPLETELY BROKE DOWN, AND WAS REDUCED TO A MERE COLONY, THINGS GOT SO BAD THAT THE PILGRIMS HAD NO CHOICE BUT TO TURN TO NAZI SOUP KITCHENS.”

Background at Crooks & Liars.

“WE’RE ALSO LIBERTARIANS, BUT WHEN RAND PAUL REFUSED TO SUPPORT FEDERAL LEGISLATION REQUIRING RAIN-PROOF TEABAGS, WE REALLY HAD TO RE-EVALUATE OUR OPTIONS.”

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More Rand-om Nonsense, as reported at All Hat No Cattle, and Huffington Post.

“AND THAT’S JUST THE START. AFTER THE HORSES CROSS THE FINISH LINE, WE’LL BE ABLE TO CHECK THE PAPERS OF ALL THE FOREIGN JOCKEYS.”

“ALTHOUGH I TAKE MEDICARE PAYMENTS, I REFUSE TO USE ‘BLACK’ ON MY EYE CHARTS, WHICH GIVES MY PATIENTS THE IMPRESSION THEY’RE AS BLIND AS I AM.”

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Lisa Casey with Ayn Rand Paul.

BartCopE! with the “Sympathy for the Devil” Edition.

“OBVIOUSLY, I’D DO NOTHING. AND WITH THAT COMES THE ADDED BENEFIT OF A WHOLE NEW PRODUCT … MR. PAUL’S OILY FISH STICKS.”

“THAT’S THE BEAUTY OF BEING A LIBERTARIAN.  I  COLLECT A GOVERNMENT CHECK, AND STILL GET TO SPEND MORE TIME WITH MY FAMILY.  AND BEST OF ALL, MY PHILOSOPHY ALLOWS ME TO TAKE CREDIT FOR THE ENSUING CHAOS.”

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P.M. Carpenter at BuzzFlash: May’s Conventional Wisdom Could be November’s Joke.

Chaos theory as practiced by BP, at All Hat No Cattle; and Mad Kane with the poetry of Oily Obstruction.

Dan Kurtzman with The Funniest Political Bumper Stickers of 2010.

                              THE TRUE GIBBERISH CZAR

“DOGGONE IT, YOU BETCHA’ THAT BY FOLLOWING THE AYN RAND LIBERTARIAN PHILOSOPHY, AND COMPLETELY ABANDONING ANY REASONABLE  REGULATIONS OF THE DERIVATIVES MARKET, WE CAN COUNT ON WALL STREET TO POLICE ITSELF…. IN OTHER WORDS, I CAN SEE MARKET STABILITY FROM MY BATHTUB.”

The New York Times with the story.

Fed up with almost 60 years of hostility from her nihilistic neighbors, Israel has finally withdrawn from Israel, and did what most other Jews do as they approach their seventh decade: retire to Florida.

However, even this move was condemned as a hostile action by the Arab world, since Israel’s departure from the Middle East seriously threatens the region’s second largest cottage industry, terrorism.

Consequently, Hezbollah began to export its terror tactics abroad, by attempting an attack on Boca Raton at 4:30 p.m. yesterday. The operation was timed to coincide, for maximum impact, with the Jewish High Holiday of Early Bird Special.

Hezbollah’s leader, Sheik Hassan Nasrallah, stated that while the Arab Nation “still wanted to drive the Jews into the sea, we really didn’t have in mind the Boca Raton Resort & Beach Club.”

Serendipitously, the plot was foiled by a white-haired, white-shoed, white-belted octogenarian wearing a Members Only jacket in 98-degree heat, when he backed his Buick into a flatbed truck carrying men wearing flip-flops, bermuda shorts and black hoods, as they were leaving Costco after purchasing the extra-jumbo sized bag of fertilizer.

Costco itself is being investigated for systematically issuing its club cards in the names of Hamas, Hezbollah, and The Aryan Nation, and for not sounding alarm bells when the fertilizer was purchased without any coupons.

However, not all of the Hezbollah guerrillas were apprehended, as some escaped through Alabama and into Philadelphia, Missisisippi. This, in turn, led to massive air strikes by expatriate Israelis, who completely leveled that notoriously racist town, the first Israeli military action ever approved by the U.N.

Despite this military setback, Hezbollah continued to achieve political gains.¬† As a result of Florida’s seriously dysfunctional election system, Sheik Nasrallah was elected governor of the Sunshine State, after the United States Supreme Court stepped in and ruled that there was no obligation to count thousands of hanging voters.

Finally, in related news, Israeli commandos simultaneously launched a major ground “offensive” against Mel Gibson.

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BLOGWORTHIES:

BuzzFlash’s¬†Bush as Lord of the Flies.¬†

Skippy on Lieberman campaign.

All Hat No Cattle’s Bush Armageddon edition.