“HEY, IT WAS JUST ‘SATIRE,’ HOW WERE WE TO KNOW IT WOULD START ANOTHER MIDDLE EAST WAR?”

“WE’RE NOW IN DEFAULT ON BOTH OUR TAX DOLLARS, AND COMMON SENSE.”

Crooks & Liars with the story.

 

“I’M SORRY MY FIRST QUESTION TOOK SO LONG; WE’RE COMPLETELY OUT OF TIME…. GO JEFF GORDON!”

“OK GOD, LET ME PUT UP ON THE SCREEN ONE OF THE KEY COMMANDMENTS YOU HANDED DOWN: ‘THOU SHALL NOT KILL.’ BUT HOW DO YOU SQUARE THAT WITH ¬†ALL THE HURRICANES, FLOODS AND OTHER NATURAL DISASTERS THAT YOU YOURSELF HAVE CREATED?”

“WHO NEEDS STEROIDS OR BLOOD-DOPING WHEN YOU’RE BEING CHASED BY ANGRY MOBS.”

“IT WAS A MUCH BETTER OPTION¬†THAN GOING TO PROSTITUTES. THERE, I COULD PAY FOR A ‘SEVEN DIAMOND’ GIRL, AND HAVE NO WAY OF KNOWING IF I¬†GOT ‘BAIT AND SWITCHED’¬†TO A TEN DOLLAR SKANK.”

“THE DAMNED FOOL WAS NO ‘ROUGH RIDER,’ BUT PREFERRED TO GO ‘BAREBACK.’¬†BULLY!”¬†¬†

 

“I GUESS I’D HAVE TO BE DOING IT IN AN AIRPLANE RESTROOM, TRAVELING INTERSTATE, TO BE ELIGIBLE FOR THESE BENEFITS.”

[Dan Kurtzman has the Eliot Spitzer Joke Round-Up.]

“IN FACT, NOW I CAN SEE WHAT INSPIRED HILLARY’S CAMPAIGN STRATEGIST TO WRITE ‘MICROTRENDS‘.”

A candidate I know just came from Chicago streets
He smiled because I did not understand
Then he held out some marijuana, oh ho
He said it was the best in all the land

[From Ringo Starr's The No No Song, and the background story]

“Hillary’s more divisive than Yoko.”