Burning a hole in religious dogma worthy of the Sun, God’s private messages contain his shocking admission that he did not actually create the World — let alone in the storied six days of Genesis. Other documents establish that God is not only not the Master of the Universe, but that he can not even claim to be the Master of His Own Domain.

Other stunning revelations include God’s use of angels to spy on everybody, all the time — collecting such personal information as credit card numbers and bank account and email passwords — which provides a more mundane explanation for the Holy Spirit’s reputation as “all-knowing and all-seeing.”

The heavenly document dump also reveals that while God publicly proclaims that he is on board with the War Against the Devil, God has been secretly supplying Satan with fire and pitchforks.

Other scandalous material shows that God is not only estranged from his own son, Jesus, but has sought to escape the pain of such family dysfunction by smoking dope with Afghan President Hamid Karzai.

But while the religiously observant have been largely mortified by these disclosures, some have taken solace from perhaps God’s most surprising revelation: that even Mohammed wants to bomb Iran.

“I COULDN’T FIND ANYONE TO PULL THE TRIGGER …  UNTIL I REMEMBERED THE HATCHET MAN FROM THE ORIGINAL ‘I’M NOT A CROOK‘ ADMINISTRATION’.”

Story here.

“I HEAR THE CASTS OF THESE BROADWAY SHOWS DO EVEN MORE DRUGS THAN WE AFGHAN WARLORDS.”

“SHE SAID IT WOULD GIVE ME A BIT MORE CACHET IN ANY FUTURE ELECTIONS, AND ALSO DEPRIVE KARZAI OF THE CHARGE THAT THEY’RE COUNTING MY VOTES TWICE.”

“I’M NOT REALLY SURE WHAT THEY MEANT, BUT GLENN BECK AND SARAH PALIN CALLED, SAYING THEY LIKED THIS DOUG HOFFMAN GUY, BUT THEY REALLY WANTED SOMEONE WITH ROOTS BACK TO THE 13th CENTURY.”

“HAVE THINGS REACHED A POINT WHERE A MAN CAN’T EVEN SIT DOWN IN THE BAZAAR WITH ELAINE BENES, AND ENJOY A SHMEAR OF LOW-FAT CREAM CHEESE ON A POPPY SEED BAGEL.”

“IN MY COUNTRY, EVEN THE TALIBAN ALLOWS WOMEN TO BE SEEN AND HEARD MORE THAN YOU.”