Burning a hole in religious dogma worthy of the Sun, God’s private messages contain his shocking admission that he did not actually create the World — let alone in the storied six days of Genesis. Other documents establish that God is not only not the Master of the Universe, but that he can not even claim to be the Master of His Own Domain.

Other stunning revelations include God’s use of angels to spy on everybody, all the time — collecting such personal information as credit card numbers and bank account and email passwords — which provides a more mundane explanation for the Holy Spirit’s reputation as “all-knowing and all-seeing.”

The heavenly document dump also reveals that while God publicly proclaims that he is on board with the War Against the Devil, God has been secretly supplying Satan with fire and pitchforks.

Other scandalous material shows that God is not only estranged from his own son, Jesus, but has sought to escape the pain of such family dysfunction by smoking dope with Afghan President Hamid Karzai.

But while the religiously observant have been largely mortified by these disclosures, some have taken solace from perhaps God’s most surprising revelation: that even Mohammed wants to bomb Iran.

“Abdulmutallab. A-b-d-u-l-m-u-t-a-l-l-a-b. Now what do I win, a Connect-the-Dots book?”

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Misspelled Visa story, at TPM Muckraker.

And for Mashups instead of screwups, check out BartCopE!

James Dobson, of Hocus-Pocus on The Family

“HELL, WE’LL TAKE ISLAMO-FASCISTS OVER NON-BELIEVERS ANY DAY OF THE WEEK. IT’S NO SECRET WHO WE HAVE MORE IN COMMON WITH … AND WHO WE SEE AS A BIGGER THREAT.”

Meanwhile, our GOP friends in Congress also get into the action ….

“AND THIS JUST IN FROM THE HILL: CITING THE GROWING THREAT FROM THE ‘FLYING SPAGHETTI MONSTER,’ SENATOR TOM COBURN OF OKLAHOMA HAS CALLED FOR THE RETURN OF THE INFAMOUS TERRORIST THREAT CHART, TO KEEP TABS ON ‘CLOUDY WITH A CHANCE OF MEATBALLS.”

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Striking similar notes are BuzzFlash’s Mark Karlin with Terrorists and Their GOP Enablers Who Terrorize Us; and Norm Jenson at One Good Move with Oldskool New Atheism.

“WHADDYA’ WANT FROM ME; IT’S BEEN OVER 2000 YEARS SINCE I LAST HAD SEX WITH THE VIRGIN MARY.”

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Mark Sanford is BuzzFlash’s GOP Hypocrite This Week – for Trumpeting ‘God’s Laws’ After Lying & Cheating Across the Hemisphere.

Lisa Casey with the Sanford tell-all.

“OK, TIFFANY, YOU MAY HAVE OVERREACTED A BIT.  NEXT TIME, JUST STICK THE 

 GUY IN THE SMOKING SECTION.” 

Norm Jenson with  the video of Bart Ehrman on Colbert – The Bible, a Big Fat Lie.

And make sure you check out this year’s Blog Against Theocracy.

’3 A.M. Phone Call Ad’ Wins Hillary the Presidency, of OnStar

Baseball Decrees the Steroid Age the ‘Shrunken Ball Era’

The Legend of Fred Thompson: A Politician Turned Actor Who Couldn’t Play a Candidate on TV

Evangelicals Claim Prop 8 Protects the Sanctity of Marriages Performed by Elvises in Vegas Chapels

Accused in Hate Crime Plea Bargains Down to ‘Spite’

Famed Photog Annie Leibovitz Uses Negatives to Capture McCain’s Campaign

Iraq Celebrates 5th Anniversary by Re-Gifting Democracy

Rudy Giuliani Reveals His Feet Are Two Different Sizes: a ’9′ and an ’11′

Co-Founder of Slinky Dies, After Falling Down Steps

Pollsters Admit Flaws in Methodology: ‘Exit Polls’ Conducted at Entrances

Sarah Palin Touts Her Experience as a ‘Closet Organizer’

Satirists Riot Over The New Yorker Obama Cartoon

Americans Strongly Believe in God, But One That Only Controls the Outcome of Sporting Events

Due to Snowstorm, Premature Ejaculation Clinic Operating on a 5 Minute Delay

Huckabee Declares He’s Ready to be President From ‘Day Six,’ Literally

Spitzer Scandal Spurs Call for Reform: Public Financing of Hookers

Christian Right Condemns Gay Adoption of Highways

FOX News Blames Obama for Nigerian Spam

Time-Life Issues the Definitive Collection of ‘Bush Scandals’

Sarah Palin Establishes a New ‘Crack in the WOODEN FLOOR’

Stood Up by ‘Joe the Plumber,’ McCain Campaigns with ‘Janitor in a Drum’

Iraqi Shoe Thrower Receives a ‘Seinfeld Sentence’ — Has to Serve as Bush’s Butler (and Shoeshine man)

A Sign of the Times: E*Trade Baby Leaps to Death From His Crib

McCain Claims ‘Multiple House Story’ Helps Him With Mormons

Sarah Palin Takes Phone Call from Napoleon Bonaparte

U.S. Finally Greeted as Liberators, by Wall Street

Lesson Learned: Auto Executives Make Return Trip to D.C. in Flintstones Car

An Ominous Sign for the GOP: Even Mars Turns Blue

Bush’s ‘Mission Accomplished’ Finally Realized: Iraq in Better Shape Than U.S.

Sarah Palin’s Greatest ‘Gift’ to America: Ruining Thanksgiving

Treasury Gives Bailout to Sperm Banks, to Inject Liquidity Into Frozen Markets

Blagojevich, Preparing for the Worst, Plans to Sell His Own ‘Seat’ in Jail

Conspiracy Theory of ‘Second Shoe Thrower’ Raised by Abdul-liver Stone

Bernie Madoff’s Fraud Reaches Beyond Jewish Community: Ran Pyramid Scheme in Egypt

House of Tudor Lays Claim to Vacant NY Senate Seat

Cheney Voices Concern Biden Will Diminish the ‘Vice’ in Vice Presidency

GOP Realizes Its Worst Nightmare: Black Man Elected to Lead U.S. Out of The Dark Ages

“YES, GOD, I CAN’T HEAR YOU, BUT I CAN FEEL YOUR DIVINE PRESENCE, AND WILL CARRY OUT YOUR WILL.”

In an attempt to rebut the mounting evidence that her record as a “reformer” is a sham, GOP Vice Presidential candidate Sarah Palin announced today that she will be auctioning off running mate John McCain on eBay.

Surrounded by representatives of both the evangelical and tax-cutting wings of her party, Palin asserted that this would be “the best way to cut Government waste, especially since we don’t need a recent convert who only became a believer in God during this past election cycle.”

In attendance was Dr. James Dobson of the organization “Hocus-Pocus on the Family,” who indicated that his group might bid for and buy McCain, for the purpose of keeping him in a lockbox for the duration of a Palin Presidency.  Dobson added that the man-sized safe kept by Dick Cheney in his office might prove to be perfect for the job.

Alternatively, some of the GOP faithful were more inclined to burn McCain as a fossil fuel, but as a concession to the alternative energy crowd, only after utilizing the old man’s potential as a source of mighty wind.

Experienced eBay users were skeptical, however, that McCain could attract a substantial price at auction, pointing out that his value has greatly declined ever since the former maverick himself utilized eBay — with the obvious help of his aide — to sell his own soul.

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BLOGWORTHIES:

BuzzFlash Editor Mark Karlin on Palin’s Offenses Against Rape and Domestic Violence Victims.

Jon Stewart on Blink, Not Sarah, at One Good Move.

More McCain-Palin Posters, at All Hat No Cattle.

History Lesson: Wall Street, Economy Do Better Under Democrats – at Perrspectives.

“SARAH PALIN PROVES THAT A WOMAN CAN FALL AS LOW AS A MAN IN TERMS OF BEING A RIGHT-WING, KNOW-NOTHING, BOOK-BURNING NEANDERTHAL IDEOLOGUE, WHO DISPUTES GLOBAL WARMING, AND HYPOCRITICALLY DENIES OTHERS THE VERY PRIVATE FAMILY CHOICES THAT SHE CLAIMS ARE HER OWN BUSINESS.”

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Lisa Casey shows how Palin can “do it all.”

McCain-Palin: Disrespect on Parade, by P.M. Carpenter at BuzzFlash.

Staying on message, Five Reasons Republicans Are Evil, at One Good Move.

Madkane on Bailin’ On Palin?

Anti-Jewish Terror is “God’s Judgment” — from the Palin Theological School, via Andrew Sullivan.

The survey, conducted, appropriately enough, by the Pew Poll, reveals that by more than a two-to-one margin, Americans feel that the Universe is on the wrong track, there is no light at the end of the Black Hole, and that the Sun may not even come up tomorrow.

While most respondents still blame the Bush Administration for the invasion of Iraq and the mismangement of the war, an overwhelming 77% held God accountable for the sectarian strife between Sunni and Shia sects, deadly natural disasters such as earthquakes and hurricanes, and the inability to buy a six-pack of Budweiser before noon on a Sunday.

A barely sober Christopher Hitchens, appearing on Charlie Rose, gloated that “I’ve been telling you that God is Not Great.”

Reached for comment, God responded by saying, “Look, I’ve been doing this job for more than four billion, err… I mean six thousand years, so I don’t think there’s anyone else with enough experience to wreak havoc on the world, with the possible exception of John McCain.”

Perhaps not surprisingly, a majority of poll respondents were also against the idea of Jesus succeeding the Holy Father, citing “Bush 43″ as an example of what can happen when a “son takes over.”

Huge majorities were also receptive to the idea of term limits for God, with proposals ranging from “Two Millennia,” to the more stringent “two-year terms” of U.S. Congressmen.

A spokesperson for Hillary Clinton denied that she was prepared to throw her hat into the ring. However, Bill Clinton was captured on YouTube telling a reporter that “this is the crack in the ultimate ceiling that Hillary and I have been waiting our whole lives for.”

In anticipation of new elections for God, jockeying for position among the States has already started, with delegations from Iowa and New Hampshire asserting their time-honored right to go first with their caucuses or primaries. In contrast, small-town Pennsylvanians are making the case that those who are most bitter and cling to God, should also go first in voting for God.

There is also speculation that that agnostics and atheists, particularly those located in Florida and Michigan, will be granted, at best, only a 1/2 vote.

In addition, a proposal to utilize Diebold’s election machinery is running into stiff resistance, for fear that the next God may end up being Pat Buchanan.

But in perhaps the ultimate sign of hunger for radical change at the top, a whopping 89% of respondents stated they were even willing to “take a chance” on a “Black God.”

UPDATE: God’s Response.

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BLOGWORTHIES:

Obama’s Evangelical Connections, at BuzzFlash.

Lisa Casey on the “Vote for McCain.”

New York Magazine on the ‘Fall and Rise’ of Hillary Clinton.

Dan Kurtzman presents Best Humor of Campaign 2008.