“TODAY, GERALD FORD WAS EATEN BY WOLVES, AND I WAS BEATEN INTO SUBMISSION BY FOX NEWS AND THE McCAIN CAMPAIGN, WHO WANTED MSNBC TO RID CHRIS MATTHEWS AND OLBERMANN FROM THE ANCHOR CHAIRS.” 

Story at Huffington Post.

As widely reported, Hezbollah’s vast network of social welfare services has played an integral role in cultivating the loyalty and support it receives from the Lebanese people.

However, Hezbollah leader Sheik Nasrallah has apparently become “fed up” with the large number of idle men sitting around in cafes, watching repeats of Al Jazeera’s SportsCenter and smoking water pipes. The Sheik has therefore issued an edict to “blow up welfare as we know it.”

Nasrallah related anecdotes about a Lebanese “welfare queen” who ripped off $150,000 from a mosque, using¬†80 aliases, all ending with the name Mohammed, as well as¬†four fictional dead husbands, a clear red-flag in a culture where it is the men who have multiple spouses.¬† The “Welfare Queen” loading her hummus into a Hummer has¬†now become permanently lodged in Lebanese political folklore.

Under the new plan, alternatively known as the “Third Century Way,” or “Welfare to Warfare,” all recipients of Hezbollah handouts will be required to actually put in an 8-hour day as a terrorist. ¬†For those not physically able to fire Katyusha rockets or engage in guerrilla assaults, there are office jobs for headhunters –¬†hunting for people who will hunt for heads.

Nasrallah emphasized that the best way for the unemployed to permanently get off the welfare rolls is to volunteer as a¬†suicide bomber — “or as your President Clinton put it, ‘a second chance, not a way of life’.”

Thus, unlike¬†Western¬†welfare reform, Hezbollah’s policy is to encourage welfare mothers to have more children.

However, as far as Israel is concerned, Hezbollah’s policy still remains “end it, don’t amend it.”

Fed up with almost 60 years of hostility from her nihilistic neighbors, Israel has finally withdrawn from Israel, and did what most other Jews do as they approach their seventh decade: retire to Florida.

However, even this move was condemned as a hostile action by the Arab world, since Israel’s departure from the Middle East seriously threatens the region’s second largest cottage industry, terrorism.

Consequently, Hezbollah began to export its terror tactics abroad, by attempting an attack on Boca Raton at 4:30 p.m. yesterday. The operation was timed to coincide, for maximum impact, with the Jewish High Holiday of Early Bird Special.

Hezbollah’s leader, Sheik Hassan Nasrallah, stated that while the Arab Nation “still wanted to drive the Jews into the sea, we really didn’t have in mind the Boca Raton Resort & Beach Club.”

Serendipitously, the plot was foiled by a white-haired, white-shoed, white-belted octogenarian wearing a Members Only jacket in 98-degree heat, when he backed his Buick into a flatbed truck carrying men wearing flip-flops, bermuda shorts and black hoods, as they were leaving Costco after purchasing the extra-jumbo sized bag of fertilizer.

Costco itself is being investigated for systematically issuing its club cards in the names of Hamas, Hezbollah, and The Aryan Nation, and for not sounding alarm bells when the fertilizer was purchased without any coupons.

However, not all of the Hezbollah guerrillas were apprehended, as some escaped through Alabama and into Philadelphia, Missisisippi. This, in turn, led to massive air strikes by expatriate Israelis, who completely leveled that notoriously racist town, the first Israeli military action ever approved by the U.N.

Despite this military setback, Hezbollah continued to achieve political gains.¬† As a result of Florida’s seriously dysfunctional election system, Sheik Nasrallah was elected governor of the Sunshine State, after the United States Supreme Court stepped in and ruled that there was no obligation to count thousands of hanging voters.

Finally, in related news, Israeli commandos simultaneously launched a major ground “offensive” against Mel Gibson.

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BLOGWORTHIES:

BuzzFlash’s¬†Bush as Lord of the Flies.¬†

Skippy on Lieberman campaign.

All Hat No Cattle’s Bush Armageddon edition.