“HEY BILL, DO YA’ THINK THESE CLOWNS SHOULD JUST GET A BUTTON-FLY? I’M NOT SURE THEY’RE CAPABLE OF KEEPING THEIR PECKERS OUT OF HARM’S WAY OF A ZIPPER?”

Pat Robertson

“ONCE YOU ALLOW GAY ATHLETES INTO THE LOCKER ROOM, HOW DO YOU JUSTIFY KEEPING ANIMALS OUT OF THE KENTUCKY DERBY?”

“IF THERE ONE THING WE HOLD EVEN MORE SACRED THAN TRADITIONAL MARRIAGE, IT’S THE TRADITION OF SELF-PRESERVATION, AND NOT GETTING SLAM DUNKED!”

“ENOUGH WITH MY WIMPY HUSBAND AND SONS; WE NEED SOMEONE WHO WILL MAKE THE COUNTRY AN OFFER THEY CAN’T REFUSE.”

“AFTER THE BOSTON MARATHON BOMBING, WE REALLY HAVE NO CHOICE BUT TO DEPORT THESE TWO WILD AND CRAZY GUYS, SINCE UNDER THE SECOND AMENDMENT, WE CAN’T EVEN CHECK FOR GUNS OR BOMBS UNDER THEIR BIG BULGES.”

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Mark Karlin on the long track record of Christian killing and extremism.

“WHILE YOU USUALLY BLAME REPUBLICANS FOR BEING ANTI-HISPANIC, YOU MAY NOT KNOW THAT IT WAS A DEMOCRATIC PRESIDENT, JAMES POLK, WHO WAS RESPONSIBLE FOR REALLY KICKING YOUR ASS AND TAKING YOUR LAND IN THE FIRST PLACE.”

Story here.

“NOT ONLY DO OUR STARVING PEOPLE NEED MORE ‘RICE’ … BUT HIS TRAINING TECHNIQUES REFLECT THE WAY WE TREAT ALL OUR CITIZENS.”

“TRAIL”

“REMEMBER, NATION, IF YOU HAPPEN TO SEE MARK SANFORD ON THE CAMPAIGN TRAIL, ASK HIM HOW IT FEELS TO BE TRAILING MY SISTER, AND WHETHER HE PLANS TO KEEP UP HIS ENERGY BY SNACKING ON TRAIL MIX. “

“WHAT I’M REALLY CONCERNED ABOUT IS ADOPTION BY GAYS; AREN’T THERE SOCIOLOGICAL STUDIES SHOWING THAT WHEN WE TRIED INTERRACIAL ADOPTION, WE JUST ENDED UP WITH BAD TELEVISION.”

“SHOULDN’T WE GO SLOW, AND HAVE AT LEAST 25 YEARS OF GAY PORN ON THE INTERNET BEFORE LEGALIZING GAY MARRIAGE? I’M NOT EVEN SURE THERE ARE CELL PHONE APPS FOR THAT YET.”

“I JUST WOKE UP AND HEARD JUSTICE GINSBURG SAY SOMETHING ABOUT ‘SKIM MILK.’ TELL ME COUNSELOR, HAVE YOU EVER SEEN PUBIC HAIR ON A CARTON OF SKIM MILK?”