“NOW, IF I WAS STILL IN THE SERVICE, I’D WANT TO KNOW IF THE GUY IN THE NEXT BUNK WAS A HOMOSEXUAL, SO I COULD MAKE PLANS  TO SLEEP IN MY BODY ARMOR.”

“ONCE JOHN GOT OFF THE STRAIGHT-TALK EXPRESS, HE DROVE ME TO GO ONE STEP FURTHER.”

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Lisa Casey on the McCain women.

“MICHELLE WARNED ME TO GO WITH THE MORE TRADITIONAL ‘RUBY,’ BUT I SEEM TO HAVE LEFT MY AUDACITY IN MY PINK PANTIES.”

Frank Rich in the NYT on Obama’s lack of audacity.

“I FIRMLY BELIEVE THAT WATERBOARDING IS NOT TORTURE, UNLESS OF COURSE YOU ALSO SUFFER THE INDIGNITY OF THROWING UP IN FRONT OF THE OPPOSITE SEX.”

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Lisa Casey on the Dickster and his Two Amigos.

Dave Lindorff at BuzzFlash: Abortion Doctor is a Victim of America’s ‘Taliban’

Dan Kurtzman’s The Week in Political Cartoons.

“THIS JUST CONFIRMS THAT TED OLSON LIKES BOIES, AND BOYS!”

“WE BELIEVE A LAWSUIT FOR BASIC HUMAN RIGHTS CAN BE A MARRIAGE BETWEEN LAWYERS OF OPPOSITE  IDEOLOGIES.”

Story here.

“ACCORDING TO OUR NBC/WALL ST. JOURNAL POLL, 85% BELIEVE THAT DICK CHENEY’S LESBIAN DAUGHTER, MARY, IS THE ONLY MEMBER OF THE FAMILY WHO DOES NOT PRESENT A THREAT TO THE VALUES OF THE UNITED STATES.”

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Speaking of threats, Norm Jenson has the real story on The Patriot Act.

The Dreaded E-Word: Madkane on the GOP’s lack of empathy for empathy.

“A WAR AGAINST PIRATES ON THE HIGH SEAS HAS TRADITIONALLY BEEN DEFINED AS BETWEEN LONELY SAILORS LIVING IN TIGHT QUARTERS WITH EACH OTHER FOR MONTHS, AND OVER-BLINGED BUCCANEERS WHO’VE HAD A BIT TOO MUCH RUM.”

Story here.

’3 A.M. Phone Call Ad’ Wins Hillary the Presidency, of OnStar

Baseball Decrees the Steroid Age the ‘Shrunken Ball Era’

The Legend of Fred Thompson: A Politician Turned Actor Who Couldn’t Play a Candidate on TV

Evangelicals Claim Prop 8 Protects the Sanctity of Marriages Performed by Elvises in Vegas Chapels

Accused in Hate Crime Plea Bargains Down to ‘Spite’

Famed Photog Annie Leibovitz Uses Negatives to Capture McCain’s Campaign

Iraq Celebrates 5th Anniversary by Re-Gifting Democracy

Rudy Giuliani Reveals His Feet Are Two Different Sizes: a ’9′ and an ’11′

Co-Founder of Slinky Dies, After Falling Down Steps

Pollsters Admit Flaws in Methodology: ‘Exit Polls’ Conducted at Entrances

Sarah Palin Touts Her Experience as a ‘Closet Organizer’

Satirists Riot Over The New Yorker Obama Cartoon

Americans Strongly Believe in God, But One That Only Controls the Outcome of Sporting Events

Due to Snowstorm, Premature Ejaculation Clinic Operating on a 5 Minute Delay

Huckabee Declares He’s Ready to be President From ‘Day Six,’ Literally

Spitzer Scandal Spurs Call for Reform: Public Financing of Hookers

Christian Right Condemns Gay Adoption of Highways

FOX News Blames Obama for Nigerian Spam

Time-Life Issues the Definitive Collection of ‘Bush Scandals’

Sarah Palin Establishes a New ‘Crack in the WOODEN FLOOR’

Stood Up by ‘Joe the Plumber,’ McCain Campaigns with ‘Janitor in a Drum’

Iraqi Shoe Thrower Receives a ‘Seinfeld Sentence’ — Has to Serve as Bush’s Butler (and Shoeshine man)

A Sign of the Times: E*Trade Baby Leaps to Death From His Crib

McCain Claims ‘Multiple House Story’ Helps Him With Mormons

Sarah Palin Takes Phone Call from Napoleon Bonaparte

U.S. Finally Greeted as Liberators, by Wall Street

Lesson Learned: Auto Executives Make Return Trip to D.C. in Flintstones Car

An Ominous Sign for the GOP: Even Mars Turns Blue

Bush’s ‘Mission Accomplished’ Finally Realized: Iraq in Better Shape Than U.S.

Sarah Palin’s Greatest ‘Gift’ to America: Ruining Thanksgiving

Treasury Gives Bailout to Sperm Banks, to Inject Liquidity Into Frozen Markets

Blagojevich, Preparing for the Worst, Plans to Sell His Own ‘Seat’ in Jail

Conspiracy Theory of ‘Second Shoe Thrower’ Raised by Abdul-liver Stone

Bernie Madoff’s Fraud Reaches Beyond Jewish Community: Ran Pyramid Scheme in Egypt

House of Tudor Lays Claim to Vacant NY Senate Seat

Cheney Voices Concern Biden Will Diminish the ‘Vice’ in Vice Presidency

GOP Realizes Its Worst Nightmare: Black Man Elected to Lead U.S. Out of The Dark Ages

“I’M A FIRM BELIEVER THAT THE ONLY TYPE OF BESTIALITY SHOULD BE BETWEEN ONE MAN AND ONE FEMALE FISH … I MEAN MAMMAL.