“THEY ACTUALLY CONSIDERED COMBINING THE BUSINESS AND OBITUARIES, BUT THEY ULTIMATELY FIGURED WE’RE ALL BETTER OFF LAUGHING OURSELVES TO DEATH.”

Here’s the real story, from the horse’s mouth.

“NOW, YOU GOTTA’ GO OUT AND BUY SHARES OF JON STEWART — THE ONLY ONE WHO’S GOT THE BALLS TO LAY ‘BARE’ THE ‘BULLSHIT’ THAT MY FELLOW COMMENTATORS AND I HAVE BEEN TOSSING OUT OVER THE LAST YEAR.”

BuzzFlash’s Mark Karlin with kudos to Jon Stewart: Devastates CNBC and Its Destructive Boosterism of Failed Wall Street Scams.

Norm Jenson has the Stewart skewer of CNBC here.

“THEY PROMISED ME 10% ANNUAL RETURNS, AND A CHANCE TO MEET JESSICA RABBIT.”

“HERE’S A SONG I THINK YOU KIDS WILL REALLY ENJOY — AND YOUR MOM AND I AGREE IT’S EDUCATIONAL TOO”:

Bush, the magic drag-on, the lame GOP
Bollixed his whole Presidency, in a land called Iraqi
Little Dickie Cheney, loved to play real rough
Pulled Dubya’s strings and sealed his fate with a lotta’ made-up stuff

Bush, the magic drag-on, a sound economy
Let Wall Street crooks have their way, with complete autonomy
Little Hankie Paulson, lookin’ not so sharp
Can’t find the funds that he doled out, hidden by a TARP

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Given Chip Saltsman’s “musical taste,” he wins BuzzFlash’s GOP Hypocrite of the Week.

All Hat No Cattle’s Phototoon Year in Review.

And Puff The Real Magic Dragon Ain’t Too Happy.

’3 A.M. Phone Call Ad’ Wins Hillary the Presidency, of OnStar

Baseball Decrees the Steroid Age the ‘Shrunken Ball Era’

The Legend of Fred Thompson: A Politician Turned Actor Who Couldn’t Play a Candidate on TV

Evangelicals Claim Prop 8 Protects the Sanctity of Marriages Performed by Elvises in Vegas Chapels

Accused in Hate Crime Plea Bargains Down to ‘Spite’

Famed Photog Annie Leibovitz Uses Negatives to Capture McCain’s Campaign

Iraq Celebrates 5th Anniversary by Re-Gifting Democracy

Rudy Giuliani Reveals His Feet Are Two Different Sizes: a ’9′ and an ’11′

Co-Founder of Slinky Dies, After Falling Down Steps

Pollsters Admit Flaws in Methodology: ‘Exit Polls’ Conducted at Entrances

Sarah Palin Touts Her Experience as a ‘Closet Organizer’

Satirists Riot Over The New Yorker Obama Cartoon

Americans Strongly Believe in God, But One That Only Controls the Outcome of Sporting Events

Due to Snowstorm, Premature Ejaculation Clinic Operating on a 5 Minute Delay

Huckabee Declares He’s Ready to be President From ‘Day Six,’ Literally

Spitzer Scandal Spurs Call for Reform: Public Financing of Hookers

Christian Right Condemns Gay Adoption of Highways

FOX News Blames Obama for Nigerian Spam

Time-Life Issues the Definitive Collection of ‘Bush Scandals’

Sarah Palin Establishes a New ‘Crack in the WOODEN FLOOR’

Stood Up by ‘Joe the Plumber,’ McCain Campaigns with ‘Janitor in a Drum’

Iraqi Shoe Thrower Receives a ‘Seinfeld Sentence’ — Has to Serve as Bush’s Butler (and Shoeshine man)

A Sign of the Times: E*Trade Baby Leaps to Death From His Crib

McCain Claims ‘Multiple House Story’ Helps Him With Mormons

Sarah Palin Takes Phone Call from Napoleon Bonaparte

U.S. Finally Greeted as Liberators, by Wall Street

Lesson Learned: Auto Executives Make Return Trip to D.C. in Flintstones Car

An Ominous Sign for the GOP: Even Mars Turns Blue

Bush’s ‘Mission Accomplished’ Finally Realized: Iraq in Better Shape Than U.S.

Sarah Palin’s Greatest ‘Gift’ to America: Ruining Thanksgiving

Treasury Gives Bailout to Sperm Banks, to Inject Liquidity Into Frozen Markets

Blagojevich, Preparing for the Worst, Plans to Sell His Own ‘Seat’ in Jail

Conspiracy Theory of ‘Second Shoe Thrower’ Raised by Abdul-liver Stone

Bernie Madoff’s Fraud Reaches Beyond Jewish Community: Ran Pyramid Scheme in Egypt

House of Tudor Lays Claim to Vacant NY Senate Seat

Cheney Voices Concern Biden Will Diminish the ‘Vice’ in Vice Presidency

GOP Realizes Its Worst Nightmare: Black Man Elected to Lead U.S. Out of The Dark Ages

“IT WAS CLEAR THAT THE SPERM MARKETS HAD FROZEN UP, AND WE NEEDED TO INJECT SOME FLUIDITY IN ORDER TO ENSURE FUTURE GROWTH OF THE TAX BASE.” 

The distingushed panel, known as “The Bubble Commission,” brought to bear their expertise in studying past bubbles, including the biblical Tower of Bubble and ancient Bubbleyonia.  Its main finding was that by living in a bubble himself for his entire Administration, and by aggressively using the power of the bubble pulpit, the President has effectively created a national bubble that rivals trapped greenhouse gases as a threat to our way of life.

The Bubble Commission took pains to point out that the “bubble bubble” was not limited to self-described Wall Street “Masters of the Universe,” but also affected bubble-gum chewing waitresses, who squandered their tips on high-risk stocks, instead of saving it for bubble bath to soothe their aching bones at the end of the day.

The panel also concluded that while most people are just starting to emerge from the bubble, both Bush and Cheney appear hopelessly trapped inside, as their exit interviews plainly indicate that they don’t know how to exit the bubble.

Indeed, even the original Bubble Boy from Seinfeld, who many blame for the housing bubble, has come out with a statement that he’d risk his life and leave his own bubble, in order to burst the bubble of Bush and Cheney, who “did more damage than even the Moops who invaded Spain in the 8th Century.”

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Buzzflash with Ann Davidow on A Nation of Bubbles, and Editor Mark Karlin speaks on It’s time to ban TV ads in elections.

Juan Cole with the latest on the al-Zaidi Shoe-Throwing Incident.

Hollywood Liberal with Chris Weigant: Make Wall Street Take The Same Deal The Autoworkers Get.

Now retired and living in a God-assisted living facility in Boca Raton, Moses was devastated by the news, and announced that he would now be forced to auction off both the original Ten Commandments, and the Golden Calf he seized from his brother Aaron in a dispute in the Sinai desert.

Asked where he thought Madoff had gone wrong, Moses lamented that “maybe Bernie paid too much attention to the commandment about not using God’s name in vain, and should have given more thought to “Thou Shall Not Steal” and “Thou Shall Not Covet Thy Neighbor’s 401K.”

Moses was also bitter that his own legacy had essentially been wiped out by Madoff’s madness: “I risked my life and more than 40 years trying to free my people, and now, because of that sonuvabitch, all the Jews are gonna’ have to go back to working like slaves. In fact, they may even have to … let their own people go.”

Moses conceded, however, that he and other investors should have seen the red flags, particularly when they received statements showing that Madoff had put them into the Ten Plagues Total Return Fund.  “Believe you me,” added the Hebrew Prophet, “I’ve seen Pyramid schemes before, but this one really takes the matzoh.”  

Asked what punishment he thought would be appropriate for Madoff, Moses demurred, but said that this might be a better question for his good friend and roommate Abraham, “who really is the expert at sacrifices.”

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BLOGWORTHIES:

From Moses to Jesus: Cheerleaders for Christ, by BuzzFlash’s Chad Rubel.

The latest on Shoegate, at All Hat No Cattle.

The Sunday Funnies, at One Good Move.

Dan Kurtzman has The Week’s Best Late-Night Jokes, and Political Cartoons of the Week.

“WE HAVE VIDEOTAPED PROOF THAT THE E*TRADE BABY WAS USING A FAKE VOICE, DIVERTING INVESTMENT FUNDS TO PARTY CLOWNS, AND BUNDLING SOILED DIAPERS AS COLLATERALIZED SECURITIES.”  

“IT WAS LIKE, SO EASY … THE SEC WAS CARRYING A BIGGER LOAD OF SHIT THAN I WAS.”

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And P.M. Carpenter asks if Patrick Fitzgerald is guilty of premature E*Blagolation, while Madkane asks Why Caroline Kennedy?

“IT’S TIME FOR THE WORLD TO FOLLOW AMERICA’S LEAD, AND ALLOW THEIR CITIZENS THE FREEDOM TO STARVE, LIVE IN THE STREETS, AND USE THE NEW YORK TIMES FOR TOILET PAPER.”

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Mark Karlin’s reality check: The Myth of the Democratic Filibuster Proof Senate.

Bill Maher’s New Rules, at One Good Move.

Dan Kurtzman with The Week’s Best Late-Night Jokes.