“THEY PROMISED ME 10% ANNUAL RETURNS, AND A CHANCE TO MEET JESSICA RABBIT.”

“FORGET THOSE CROOKS ON WALL STREET, YOU GUYS SINGLE-HANDEDLY DOUBLED THE ENTIRE COST OF OUR FOOD STAMP PROGRAM.”

“My fellow citizens. I assumed the office of the Presidency with the best of intentions — to try to change both the culture of Washington, and the way business is done here.

But after just two short weeks, I realized that I was HOPE-lessly naive. That trying to negotiate with the know-nothing Neanderthal, Limbaugh-ass-sucking, tax-cut-a-saurus, fickle-down Reagan-worshipping Rethuglicans, is about as pointless as trying to resuscitate our ailing economy by exporting tea to China.

So here’s the REAL CHANGE I’m now proposing:  

Forget the bank bailouts, we’re gonna use the  remaining TARP dollars to buy up the TOXIC GOP ASSES from Congress.  For far less than the cost of any stimulus package to the Treasury, we’ll put these “bad asses” in a “bad holding tank,” where they can’t do any further damage to this great nation.

I know I promised to close Guantanamo, but it’s clear that the legal system is simply not equipped to deal with these nihilsts who are out to destroy our very way of life. 

But let’s be clear — the WAR ON ERROR will not be won in a year, or even during this generation. We must remain ever-vigilant against these malefactors of great mischief.

And now that I finally did what I had to do to the Rethuglicans, it’s time for a smoke.

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BLOGWORTHIES:

BuzzFlash’s Mark Karlin strikes a similar note: Water Doesn’t Trickle Down the Middle of the Road, President Obama.

Dick Cheney’s New Wheelchair, at All Hat No Cattle.

The Daily Show’s  Big ‘Bama’s House – at One Good Move.

Dan Kurtzman’s Political Cartoons of the Week, and Obama the Comedian.

“THIS MAY BE THE FIRST CASE WHERE THE THE PRIVATE SECTOR STIMULATES THE GOVERNMENT. AND THE FIRST CASE WHERE WE FINALLY STIMULATE REAL BIPARTISANSHIP.”

[Lisa Casey weighs in with Wall St. Whineries.]

“UNDER AN AMENDMENT TO THE BILL, ANY DISTRICT WHOSE REPRESENTATIVE VOTED AGAINST IT, WILL GET NOTHING BUT A THREE-PACK OF TROJANS AND A BAG OF SOD.”

“LISTEN UP, TEAM, DON’T WORRY ABOUT THE BAREBONES STAFF — WITH THE ADDED CAFFEINE IN YOUR COFFEE, YOU’LL HAVE NO PROBLEM WORKING THOSE 24/7 SHIFTS.”

HuffPost with the stories on Starbucks’ decaf cut, and employee cuts.

And Lisa Casey on the Citibank debacle.

JUST HOW LOW CAN YOU GET?

Story at Think Progress.

“WHY SHOULD WE SUPPORT A PROGRAM THAT LEAVES THE GOP EXPOSED … AS THE ONLY SCUMBAGS LEFT IN THE NATION’S CAPITAL.”

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BuzzFlash’s Mark Karlin reviews Jimmy Carter’s new book on his Middle East Peace Plan. 

A NY Times Essay on Elevating Science, Elevating Democracy, at One Good Move.

Rachel Maddow on the Stimulus Showdown, at Crooks & Liars.

“WE USED THE CONTRACEPTION PLAN JUST TO GET INTO THE GOP CAUCUS — WHERE WE MANAGED TO PUT A GIANT CONDOM OVER JOHN BOEHNER, A PATCH OVER ERIC CANTOR’S MOUTH, AND TO FORCE THE STERILIZATION OF MITCH MCCONNELL, SO WE NEVER HAVE TO SEE HIS LIKES AGAIN.” 

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Lisa Casey catches up with chief villains Bush and Cheney.

Does the spirit of Lee Atwater still live on in the GOP? Ask Stefan Forbes at BuzzFlash.

Chris Mooney on Colbert, on Obama’s Science Policy - via One Good Move.