The federal racketeering trial of Tony “Two Tweets” Blogamonte came to a stunning conclusion today, as the reputed head of the Silicon Valley crime family was acquitted of all charges, despite the prosecution’s presentation of seemingly incriminating FBI wiretaps of the defendant.

Immediately after the dramatic verdict was read, interviews with the all “twenty-something” jury revealed they accepted the alleged mobster’s testimony that his taped conversations, played in open court, did not evidence criminality, but merely innocent social media activity.

Legal experts believe that the following exchange from the cross-examination of Blogamonte proved particularly fatal to the prosecution’s case:

PROSECUTOR: Mr. Blogamonte, you deny any mob activity, but on these FBI wiretaps you refer 79 times to various individuals being “friends of mine.”

BLOGAMONTE: Madonn! Since when is it a crime to be on Facebook?

PROSECUTOR: Well, what about your statements that some of these “friends” had to be “knocked off.”

BLOGAMONTE: I was merely talking about “de-friending” these cugines.

PROSECUTOR: You also constantly talk about being “connected.”

BLOGAMONTE: Like many ambitiously professional types, me and and my colleagues also joined LinkedIn.

PROSECUTOR: Now, can you explain to the jury precisely what you meant when you threatened to stop Louie the Lips from “singing like a canary.”

BLOGAMONTE: Not for nuthin’ — but alls I wuz sayin’ wuz, the friggin’ guy tweets too much!

PROSECUTOR: You also seemed very upset when you stated that “Sonny Black” was no longer a “big earner.”

BLOGAMONTE: Fugghedabout! His page views went down, his ad revenue declined, but alls we did wuz change his nickname to “Sonny-in-the-Red.”

PROSECUTOR: Isn’t it true that you’re personally responsible for numerous murders, since we clearly hear you on these tapes ordering your underlings to “arrange for hits.”

BLOGAMONTE: I wuz just trying to help these underachievers … by giving them some extra links.

PROSECUTOR: Do you also deny saying, as the jury plainly heard, that Jimmy the Weasel Carbonari had “outlived his usefulness?”

BLOGAMONTE: That’s just oobatz! I wuz just sayin’ that this rat still used Myspace.

PROSECUTOR: And what about your frequent references to “sleeping with the fishes.”

BLOGAMONTE: What can I say, when my PC’s in “sleep mode,” I like having those guppies as my screen saver.

PROSECUTOR: Now, on Tape No. 37, you bragged that one of your rivals would end up with a “toe tag.”

BLOGAMONTE: Hey, I don’t pass judgment on udder people — the man had a website for foot fetishes, I was just trying to help him increase his traffic.

PROSECUTOR: Well, Mr. Blogamonte, you seem to have an answer for everything, don’t you. But tell me, how do you expect this jury to believe you’re not a mob boss … when these tapes reveal your total obsession with Gabagool?

BLOGAMONTE: Ayy, nobody ever accused me of speaking the King’s English, but like millions of other red-blooded, law-abiding Americans, that’s just what I use as my primary search engine.

Exchanging their ouija boards and tarot cards for blackberries and iPhones, a whole new generation of psychics have left behind their Old-World ways, in order to ply their trade with the 21st Century tools of the internet and social networking sites.

Roxane Grenier, a resident of La Jolla, California who has seen the same fortune teller for the past 19 years, stated “it’s about time that psychics who claim to see the future are finally joining the present.” Ms. Grenier recounted how Madame X, now known as Madame OS X,  recently abandoned palm readings for a Palm Pre, to help her contact her deceased fourth husband. Indeed, Wired Magazine reports that hundreds of “I See Dead People” apps have already been developed for such hand-held devices.

As one clairvoyant put it, “why screw around with messy tea-leaf readings or seances, which are as slow as dial-up internet connections, when one can make instant contact with the dearly departed through such services as Google’s Dead Souls.” And as for “predicting the future,” she hastened to add, “the crystal ball is like a murky tank of fish water compared to Yahoo Futuristic News.”

Twitter has also proven invaluable in communicating with ghostly spirits, who are notorious for their cryptic and somewhat mysterious messages — the very hallmark of the Twitter user. In fact, many psychics believe that the availability of ‘tweeting’ has dramatically decreased incidents of pictures falling off walls, or doors suddenly blowing open from wind gusts, since the dead no longer need to rely on such childish antics to draw attention to themselves.

New-age mediums have also used such new mediums as Facebook, which is useful not only to locate deceased loved ones, but to learn who they’re hanging out with. Perhaps the most pleasant surprise surrounding Facebook ghosts is that they’re typically the only ones not sticking out their tongues.

However, one of the drawbacks of these spiritual internet connections is that voluminous messages are received from deceased Nigerian cocoa merchants who were purportedly poisoned by their business associates, requesting the account number for your high-yield savings account, so that $27 million can be safely transmitted to their surviving children.

Nevertheless, it doesn’t take a psychic to see that the marriage of labor-saving technology and the paranormal will soon become the norm. As one fortune teller who goes under the screen name of Gypsy2.0 confided, “one thing will never change: ‘time is money’.”