“IN ONE SENSE, YOU’RE NEVER REALLY PREPARED TO HANDLE EXTRA-MARITAL AFFAIRS. EVEN AFTER MY WHOLE FIRST TERM AS PRESIDENT, I STILL SCREWED IT UP.”

9. When your wife starts to play with your family jewels, you say “wait ’till after Bill Maher’s New Rules.”

8. You’ll root against a sports team just because they’re from a Red State.

7. When you ask someone their “sign,” you mean Jesus Fish or Darwin Fish.

6. You use “Picture-in-Picture” to watch Russert and Stephanopoulous.

5. You think the New York Times is really controlled by the Editorial Board of the Wall St. Journal.

4. Your idea of multitasking is reading Daily Kos while listening to NPR.

3. You’re all for “mixed marriages,” except for the one between Matalin and Carville.

2. You oppose capital punishment in all cases — with the possible exception of Chris Matthews.

1. Although you’re ACLU on personal privacy, you advocate warrantless strip searches of the Right-Wing Blondes — to check if their carpets really match their drapes.