“KEITH, IT’S SIMPLY NOT ENOUGH TO TRY THE LIKES OF CHENEY, LIMBAUGH AND BECK IN A CIVILIAN COURT.  ONLY A WAR CRIMES TRIBUNAL IS APPROPRIATE …  GIVEN THE EXISTENTIAL THREAT THEY POSE TO CIVILIZATION.”

“CHRIS, IT’S REALLY NOT SUFFICIENT FOR THE PRESIDENT TO HAVE ‘AL QAEDA SUCKS’ TATTOOED ON HIS FOREHEAD; WHAT HE SHOULD HAVE DONE IS A ‘MUSHROOM CLOUD OVER MOHAMMED’S HEAD.”

“IF TRUMAN HAD BEEN REALLY SERIOUS ABOUT THE WAR IN THE PACIFIC, HE WOULD’VE RIDDEN THE A-BOMB RIGHT DOWN TO HIROSHIMA.”

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Lisa Casey on Cheney Pretending He’s Not a Shameless Hypocrite, and Harry Shearer on Cheney’s Game.

“Hey, Leon, do  ya’ think an underwear bomber would go ‘through the gate,’ or go  ‘over-the-fence’ with the ‘no-fly zone’?”

“Don’t really matter, Larry. You just gotta’  get in that underwear bomber’s ass. You open that asshole up and you pull that asshole open, step inside, and spray paint that terrorist motherfucker’s ass. Fuck their whole assholes up. You eat those little airline peanuts, throw the tin foil bag on the ground. Then step out on their ass and leave that asshole wide open so those motherfuckers know you been there.”

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BuzzFlash Editor Mark Karlin deconstrusts the Primal Fear: Bush Terrorized Us and Al Qaeda Won.

“A SPOKESMAN FOR HOMELAND SECURITY SAID THAT THE LAST THING WE WANT TO WORRY ABOUT …  IS A POTENTIAL TERRORIST LIGHTING A FART.”

“He who smelt it — Delta’d it!”

“Permit me to inform you of my desire of going into business relationship with you. As a  wealthy Nigerian firecracker merchant being persecuted by my government, I must immediately transfer $25 million worth of M-80s to your bank account, since I am eager to help your children fully enjoy the next July 4th celebration.”

“WE FEEL THIS WOULD BE A BIG IMPROVEMENT OVER HIS CURRENT DEPENDENCE ON HIGHLY FLAMMABLE GAS.”

Story at HuffPost.

’3 A.M. Phone Call Ad’ Wins Hillary the Presidency, of OnStar

Baseball Decrees the Steroid Age the ‘Shrunken Ball Era’

The Legend of Fred Thompson: A Politician Turned Actor Who Couldn’t Play a Candidate on TV

Evangelicals Claim Prop 8 Protects the Sanctity of Marriages Performed by Elvises in Vegas Chapels

Accused in Hate Crime Plea Bargains Down to ‘Spite’

Famed Photog Annie Leibovitz Uses Negatives to Capture McCain’s Campaign

Iraq Celebrates 5th Anniversary by Re-Gifting Democracy

Rudy Giuliani Reveals His Feet Are Two Different Sizes: a ’9′ and an ’11′

Co-Founder of Slinky Dies, After Falling Down Steps

Pollsters Admit Flaws in Methodology: ‘Exit Polls’ Conducted at Entrances

Sarah Palin Touts Her Experience as a ‘Closet Organizer’

Satirists Riot Over The New Yorker Obama Cartoon

Americans Strongly Believe in God, But One That Only Controls the Outcome of Sporting Events

Due to Snowstorm, Premature Ejaculation Clinic Operating on a 5 Minute Delay

Huckabee Declares He’s Ready to be President From ‘Day Six,’ Literally

Spitzer Scandal Spurs Call for Reform: Public Financing of Hookers

Christian Right Condemns Gay Adoption of Highways

FOX News Blames Obama for Nigerian Spam

Time-Life Issues the Definitive Collection of ‘Bush Scandals’

Sarah Palin Establishes a New ‘Crack in the WOODEN FLOOR’

Stood Up by ‘Joe the Plumber,’ McCain Campaigns with ‘Janitor in a Drum’

Iraqi Shoe Thrower Receives a ‘Seinfeld Sentence’ — Has to Serve as Bush’s Butler (and Shoeshine man)

A Sign of the Times: E*Trade Baby Leaps to Death From His Crib

McCain Claims ‘Multiple House Story’ Helps Him With Mormons

Sarah Palin Takes Phone Call from Napoleon Bonaparte

U.S. Finally Greeted as Liberators, by Wall Street

Lesson Learned: Auto Executives Make Return Trip to D.C. in Flintstones Car

An Ominous Sign for the GOP: Even Mars Turns Blue

Bush’s ‘Mission Accomplished’ Finally Realized: Iraq in Better Shape Than U.S.

Sarah Palin’s Greatest ‘Gift’ to America: Ruining Thanksgiving

Treasury Gives Bailout to Sperm Banks, to Inject Liquidity Into Frozen Markets

Blagojevich, Preparing for the Worst, Plans to Sell His Own ‘Seat’ in Jail

Conspiracy Theory of ‘Second Shoe Thrower’ Raised by Abdul-liver Stone

Bernie Madoff’s Fraud Reaches Beyond Jewish Community: Ran Pyramid Scheme in Egypt

House of Tudor Lays Claim to Vacant NY Senate Seat

Cheney Voices Concern Biden Will Diminish the ‘Vice’ in Vice Presidency

GOP Realizes Its Worst Nightmare: Black Man Elected to Lead U.S. Out of The Dark Ages

              KUTABARE! (Drop Dead)

KUKUTABARE! / SHINETABARE! / SHINE

“NOT ONLY ARE THESE FIVE MINUTE BREAKS, TWICE A DAY, CAUSING LOSS OF PRODUCTIVITY, BUT THE ‘EMISSIONS’ FROM THESE BREAKS ARE THE CHIEF CAUSE OF POLLUTING THE ENVIRONMENT.”

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Countdown on the Fuzzy $70 per Hour Math, courtesy of One Good Move.