“I SAY, SIR, WHERE ONCE YOU OCCUPIED THE RAREFIED AIR OF A LENNY BRUCE OR MORT SAHL, YOU HAVE NOW STOOPED TO THE LEVEL OF THE LATE-NIGHT WARS BETWEN LENO, LETTTERMAN  AND O’BRIEN.”

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NewsBusters with the Jon Stewart Rant, and One Good Move with Keith’s Supreme Court Rant.

“NOW, LADIES AND GENTS, I KNOW THIS ROLE WAS TRADITIONALLY RESERVED TO WOMEN, BUT I’M GONNA’ DO MY DARNDEST TO BE THE FIRST LATE NIGHT HOST TO BREAK THE CRASS CEILING.”

“YES, NURSE RATCHETT, BECK DID SLIP AWAY DURING OUR FISHING TRIP, BUT IF HE DOESN’T RETURN IMMEDIATELY, WE’LL LET THE WHOLE KNOW HE’S JUST BEEN FUCKING HIMSELF.”

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From Nuts to Neanderthals, at All Hat No Cattle.

“I GUESS THE SECRET’S NOW OUT - NOT ONLY DID I PREFER ‘DOGGIE STYLE,’ BUT I USUALLY HAD TO BEG TO GET IT.”

10. Extortionist told Letterman: Either you Pay, or we’ll Play ‘Do YOU Float.’

9. Letterman’s sex with staffers was watched by Paul Shaffer at the side of the bed.

8. After sex, Letterman would light up a cigarette and watch Conan O’Brien.

7. When seeking oral sex, Letterman would ask: ‘Uhh, got any GUMS.’

6. In order to keep affairs secret from his family, Letterman broke into the home of his former stalker.

5. When trying to avoid sleeping over, Letterman would use excuse: “Gotta’ catch a plane, with John McCain.”

4. Letterman’s favorite position is ‘stand up.’

3. Letterman made sex videos, produced by Worldwide I Want to Get into Your Pants.

2.  Letterman’s most disgusting habit: Throwing his used condoms off the roof of the Ed Sullivan Theater.

1. When he couldn’t find a willing partner, Dave called his mother in Indiana, and asked her to bake an ‘American Pie.’

“NOW, IN A MINUTE, DAVE, I’M GONNA’ BRING OUT McCONNELL, BOEHNER AND CANTOR, WHO ARE ALL GOING TO LICK RUSH LIMBAUGH’S ASS…. AND THEN THEY TOLD ME WE COULD PLAY: ‘GOP, DOES IT FLOAT’?”

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More Pop Culture and Entertainment News at BartCopE!

“NOW, I KNOW YOU FOLKS ARE GONNA’ THINK I’M JUST LOOKIN’ FOR TROUBLE, BUT IT’S CLEAR SARAH PALIN RESIGNED AS ALASKA’S GOVERNOR TO PARTICIPATE IN THE ‘I-DID-A-ROD’ COMPETITION.”

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Dan Kurtzman with the round-up of Sarah Palin Resignation Jokes.

“FORGET THE DIJON MUSTARD AND THE KETCHUP, I TOP OFF MY BURGER WITH RUSH LIMBAUGH’S ASS SWEAT – WHICH IS THE REAL MEAT OF THE REPUBLICAN PARTY.”

Story here.

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Lisa Casey with the opposite end of the Limbaugh suck-ups.

BuzzFlash’s Mark Karlin on Murder They Wrote: The Torture Legacy of the Bush Administration.

Madkane’s Quaking Over Handshakes.

Letterman Takes on Cheney for Attacking Obama, via Dan Kurtzman.

“OK, CLASS, THIS SOCIETY SIMPLY CAN’T TOLERATE A COOL, RATIONAL, THOUGHTFUL INDIVIDUAL. SO FOR LESSON NUMBER ONE, PLEASE LEAN YOUR HEAD OUT OF YOUR WINDOW AND SHOUT: I’M MAD AS HELL AND I’M GOING TO TWITTER ABOUT IT.”

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Letterman Takes on Obama’s Critics, via Dan Kurtzman.

Lisa Casey on the latest Jindal common-sense swindle.

Madkane on an Email Swiped From Dick Cheney’s In-Box.

“WHY WOULD BARACK HUSSEIN OBAMA, ATTEND A DINNER NAMED AFTER A POLITICIAN … WHO ‘PALLED AROUND’ WITH SACCO AND VANZETTI?”

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BuzzFlash’s P.M. Carpenter wonders about John McCain and What Could Have Been.

Dan Kurtzman’s Best and Worst of the Debates.

Madkane’s Ode To John “Air-Quotes” McCain.

John McCain on Letterman, at One Good Move.