“I TOLD-A THE POPE, IF YOU REALLY WANNA’  SOLVE THE SEX SCANDALS IN THE CHURCH, YOU GOTTA’ MAKE IT A-HARDER  FOR THE PRIESTS, BY MAKING THEM FIND THE ALTAR BOYS IN THE PIZZA.”

[Father Guido in the original SNL Transcript of  'Find the Popes in the Pizza.']

“WE’RE GOING TO ‘DE-FROCK’ ABUSIVE PRIESTS … LITERALLY.  WE’LL LET THEM STAY IN THE CHURCH, BUT STRIP THEM OF THEIR COLLARS, SHIRTS AND PANTS.”

“VELL, AT ZAT TIME HE VAS CARDINAL RATZINGER, HE CAME IN LOOKING A LEETLE NERVOUS, THEN ASKED FOR SOME MINTS, A CARTON OF MENTHOL HOLY SMOKES, AND ZEE ECONOMY PACK OF ‘PRIESTLY PROPHYLACTICS, ULTRA-RIBBED FOR YOUR ALTAR BOYS’ PLEASURE‘.”

“MR. GEIER IS SAYING THAT HE AND THE OTHER DEAF BOYS DEVELOPED A COMPLETELY NEW ‘SIGN’: TOUCHING THEIR NIPPLES,  BALLS AND ASS, BUT THE PRIESTS JUST CLAIMED THEIR MOTOR SKILLS WERE IMPAIRED FROM TOO MUCH ALTAR WINE.”

[Story at NY Times]

Demonstrating the power of the new Catholic catechism, “Yes We Can Reverse History,” Pope Bendict XVI has embarked on an ambitious crusade that makes American health reform seem as trivial as a routine prostate exam — the “Reformation Reformation.”

Exploiting the angst of many Anglican clergy over that Church’s admittance of female priests and openly gay bishops, the Pope has invited Anglican priests to convert to Catholicism so they can escape such blasphemies, and instead concentrate on secret liaisons with pre-pubescent altar boys and fellow closeted gay priests.

Meeting with the Catholic Archbishop of Westminister, the Anglican Archbishop of Canterbury hailed the accord as heralding “the biggest conversion since Sammy Davis, Jr. went over to the Jews, or better yet, since ‘Jews for Jesus’ came out for Richard Nixon.”

While the most controversial issue revolves around the treatment of married Anglican priests who seek to join the Catholic Church, the Vatican has hinted at a possible compromise: such clergy will be allowed to retain their married status, as long as they submit to castration.

Besides this stealth takeover of the Anglican Church, Pope Bendict has also, as part of his ultra-conservative agenda, announced plans to re-try Galileo, reinstitute the Spanish Inquisition, remove all references to “Martin Luther’s 95 theses” from Wikipedia, and perhaps most importantly, destroy all recordings of Herman Hermit’s I’m Henry the VIII, I am.”

“IT’S JUST A SHAME HE COULDN’T HAVE APPLIED HIS CHILD-MOLESTING AND PEDOPHILIA TO A REALLY GOOD CAUSE, LIKE THE CATHOLIC CHURCH.”

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The Peter King YouTube video, via Wonkette.

“ACTUALLY, THE WAY THAT SONUVABITCH BENEDICT ARNOLD HAS ACTED, I’M STARTING TO RECONSIDER THE CHURCH’S BAN ON ABORTION.”