Citing ‘Change’ Over ‘Experience,’ Angry Electorate Votes to Replace God

‘3 A.M. Phone Call Ad’ Wins Hillary the Presidency, of OnStar

Baseball Decrees the Steroid Age the ‘Shrunken Ball Era’

The Legend of Fred Thompson: A Politician Turned Actor Who Couldn’t Play a Candidate on TV

Evangelicals Claim Prop 8 Protects the Sanctity of Marriages Performed by Elvises in Vegas Chapels

Accused in Hate Crime Plea Bargains Down to ‘Spite’

Famed Photog Annie Leibovitz Uses Negatives to Capture McCain’s Campaign

Iraq Celebrates 5th Anniversary by Re-Gifting Democracy

Rudy Giuliani Reveals His Feet Are Two Different Sizes: a ‘9′ and an ‘11′

Co-Founder of Slinky Dies, After Falling Down Steps

Pollsters Admit Flaws in Methodology: ‘Exit Polls’ Conducted at Entrances

Sarah Palin Touts Her Experience as a ‘Closet Organizer’

Satirists Riot Over The New Yorker Obama Cartoon

Americans Strongly Believe in God, But One That Only Controls the Outcome of Sporting Events

Due to Snowstorm, Premature Ejaculation Clinic Operating on a 5 Minute Delay

Huckabee Declares He’s Ready to be President From ‘Day Six,’ Literally

Spitzer Scandal Spurs Call for Reform: Public Financing of Hookers

Christian Right Condemns Gay Adoption of Highways

FOX News Blames Obama for Nigerian Spam

Time-Life Issues the Definitive Collection of ‘Bush Scandals’

Sarah Palin Establishes a New ‘Crack in the WOODEN FLOOR’

Stood Up by ‘Joe the Plumber,’ McCain Campaigns with ‘Janitor in a Drum’

Iraqi Shoe Thrower Receives a ‘Seinfeld Sentence’ — Has to Serve as Bush’s Butler (and Shoeshine man)

A Sign of the Times: E*Trade Baby Leaps to Death From His Crib

McCain Claims ‘Multiple House Story’ Helps Him With Mormons

Sarah Palin Takes Phone Call from Napoleon Bonaparte

U.S. Finally Greeted as Liberators, by Wall Street

Lesson Learned: Auto Executives Make Return Trip to D.C. in Flintstones Car

An Ominous Sign for the GOP: Even Mars Turns Blue

Bush’s ‘Mission Accomplished’ Finally Realized: Iraq in Better Shape Than U.S.

Sarah Palin’s Greatest ‘Gift’ to America: Ruining Thanksgiving

Treasury Gives Bailout to Sperm Banks, to Inject Liquidity Into Frozen Markets

Blagojevich, Preparing for the Worst, Plans to Sell His Own ‘Seat’ in Jail

Conspiracy Theory of ‘Second Shoe Thrower’ Raised by Abdul-liver Stone

Bernie Madoff’s Fraud Reaches Beyond Jewish Community: Ran Pyramid Scheme in Egypt

House of Tudor Lays Claim to Vacant NY Senate Seat

Cheney Voices Concern Biden Will Diminish the ‘Vice’ in Vice Presidency

GOP Realizes Its Worst Nightmare: Black Man Elected to Lead U.S. Out of The Dark Ages

An independent panel of economists, historians and behavioral scientists have unanimously concluded that George W. Bush, a/k/a “The Bubble Boy,” is chiefly responsible for the “bubble bubble” that has enveloped this country for the last eight years, which has caused virtually all segments of society to live within a bubble, completely divorced from reality.

The distingushed panel, known as “The Bubble Commission,” brought to bear their expertise in studying past bubbles, including the biblical Tower of Bubble and ancient Bubbleyonia.  Its main finding was that by living in a bubble himself for his entire Administration, and by aggressively using the power of the bubble pulpit, the President has effectively created a national bubble that rivals trapped greenhouse gases as a threat to our way of life.

The Bubble Commission took pains to point out that the “bubble bubble” was not limited to self-described Wall Street “Masters of the Universe,” but also affected bubble-gum chewing waitresses, who squandered their tips on high-risk stocks, instead of saving it for bubble bath to soothe their aching bones at the end of the day.

The panel also concluded that while most people are just starting to emerge from the bubble, both Bush and Cheney appear hopelessly trapped inside, as their exit interviews plainly indicate that they don’t know how to exit the bubble.

Indeed, even the original Bubble Boy from Seinfeld, who many blame for the housing bubble, has come out with a statement that he’d risk his life and leave his own bubble, in order to burst the bubble of Bush and Cheney, who “did more damage than even the Moops who invaded Spain in the 8th Century.”

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Buzzflash with Ann Davidow on A Nation of Bubbles, and Editor Mark Karlin speaks on It’s time to ban TV ads in elections.

Juan Cole with the latest on the al-Zaidi Shoe-Throwing Incident.

Hollywood Liberal with Chris Weigant: Make Wall Street Take The Same Deal The Autoworkers Get.

As the shock waves from the Bernard Madoff mishegas reverberate in Jewish communities from Scarsdale to Palm Beach, an even more stunning revelation came to light today: Moses himself was burned by Bernie.

Now retired and living in a God-assisted living facility in Boca Raton, Moses was devastated by the news, and announced that he would now be forced to auction off both the original Ten Commandments, and the Golden Calf he seized from his brother Aaron in a dispute in the Sinai desert.

Asked where he thought Madoff had gone wrong, Moses lamented that “maybe Bernie paid too much attention to the commandment about not using God’s name in vain, and should have given more thought to “Thou Shall Not Steal” and “Thou Shall Not Covet Thy Neighbor’s 401K.”

Moses was also bitter that his own legacy had essentially been wiped out by Madoff’s madness: “I risked my life and more than 40 years trying to free my people, and now, because of that sonuvabitch, all the Jews are gonna’ have to go back to working like slaves. In fact, they may even have to … let their own people go.”

Moses conceded, however, that he and other investors should have seen the red flags, particularly when they received statements showing that Madoff had put them into the Ten Plagues Total Return Fund.  “Believe you me,” added the Hebrew Prophet, “I’ve seen Pyramid schemes before, but this one really takes the matzoh.”  

Asked what punishment he thought would be appropriate for Madoff, Moses demurred, but said that this might be a better question for his good friend and roommate Abraham, “who really is the expert at sacrifices.”

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BLOGWORTHIES:

From Moses to Jesus: Cheerleaders for Christ, by BuzzFlash’s Chad Rubel.

The latest on Shoegate, at All Hat No Cattle.

The Sunday Funnies, at One Good Move.

Dan Kurtzman has The Week’s Best Late-Night Jokes, and Political Cartoons of the Week.

JFK: Oswald fired at a current Texas Governor and current President.  Bush: al-Zaidi shot at a former Texas Governor who had already checked out as President. 

JFK: Oswald shot from a warehouse and hid in a theater.  Bush: al-Zaidi shopped in a shoe discount warehouse and became famous on TV and YouTube.

JFK: Conspiracy theorists think it was a mob plot.  Bush: Entire Administration was a mob plot.

JFK: Kennedy had a secretary named Lincoln who told him not to go to Dallas. Bush: Ted Kennedy told Bush to return to Baghdad and drive his Lincoln through Sadr City.

JFK: Mystery continues over the grassy knoll.  Bush: Mystery continues over how we re-elected an assy pol.

JFK: Incident spawned legend of Camelot. Bush: Incident cemented legend of SHAM-A-LOT.

JFK: Rendered brain dead by attack. Bush: Remained  brain dead after attack.

“SINCE YOU HAVE NO INSURANCE TO MAKE RESTITUTION TO THE AMERICAN PRESIDENT, YOU ARE TO SERVE AS MR. BUSH’S BUTLER AND SHOE SHINE MAN FOR THE NEXT SEVEN YEARS. YOU ARE VERY, VERY, VERY BAD MAN.” 

“OUR INTELLIGENCE SHOWED THAT THERE WERE NUMEROUS MEETINGS IN PRAGUE, BETWEEN IMELDA MARCOS AND THE BAGHDAD SHOE-THROWER.”

“THE TWO SHOES WERE DIFFERENT SIZES, THEY WERE FIRED TOO CLOSE IN TIME TO COME FROM A SINGLE ‘SHOE-THROWER,’ AND EYEWITNESSES THOUGHT IT SOMEWHAT ODD THAT THERE WAS A ‘GRASSY KNOLL’ INSIDE A SMALL ROOM.”

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BLOGWORTHIES:

Lisa Casey raises the question of why just ‘two shoes?”

P.M. Carpenter at BuzzFlash on My Kingdom for a Shoe.

SNL’s Really !?!: Gov. Blagojevich – at One Good Move.

And more labor strife?  Pie Throwers Union Sues Shoe Thrower, at Apoliticus.

“AND SO, EVEN AFTER MY TERM ENDS, THIS BUSH WILL BE LIMITING HIS VISITS TO THE BUSHMMEN OF THE KALAHARI.”

“SONUVABVITCH FORGOT ABOUT POISON ARROWS AND BLOW DARTS.”

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More Shoe Humor by Lisa Casey, and Dan Kurtzman.

And Juan Cole with a more sober assessment: Shoe-Thrower had been Traumatized by US Aerial Bombings.

                 Phil Knight, Nike Chairman

“WE’LL CALL IT THE ‘RESISTANCE TRAINER,‘ BRING BACK THE ‘REVOLUTION‘ AD CAMPAIGN, AND MILLIONS OF ARABS WILL RUN, NOT WALK, TO TRADE IN THEIR SANDALS FOR THIS SHOE.”

“But if you go carrying pictures of George W. Bush
You’re guaranteed to get this Nike shoe right up your tush”

Proving the old adage in baseball that the rich just get richer, The New York Yankees today announced yet another free-agent signing, giving a multi-year pact to the Iraqi shoe thrower, Muntadar al-Zaidi, who had a personal tryout with President Bush in Baghdad just yesterday.

Although the Yankees have already handed out almost a quarter billion dollars to pitchers C.C. Sabathia and A.J. Burnett, Yankee co-owner Hank Steinbrenner told a frenzied New York press corps that ”the latest move won’t really affect our payroll, since the Iraqi journalist personally told me he’d work for no money, just dinners.”

Steinbrenner also boasted that he had made an ingenius marketing move, since it would give the Yankees an opportunity to tap into a huge new fan base, the community of Arab-Americans and Muslims who live in the greater New York metropolitan area.  ”I’ve already asked my people to look into staging a promotional ‘Abaya Night’  – I think those things would look great in pinstripes and emblazoned with the famous NY logo.”

As far as Zaidi’s pitching skills are concerned, Steinbrenner stated that “the righthander had to work a bit on his control, but we kind of figured his head-hunting skills would come in handy in those heated games with the Red Sox.”

In related news, the ultimate Yankee fan, Rudy Giuliani, enthusiastically embraced the move, saying “I forgive al-Zaidi, at least he’s not a community organizer.” “Besides,” the former NY mayor added, “it’s not like the guy’s shoe size was a ’9′ or an ’11′.”