“ACTUALLY, I JUST RECEIVED A TWEET FROM THE SUMMER STOCK SHAKEPEARE COMPANY, WHO TOLD ME ‘THE DANES CAN’T BE AS PATIENT AS THE VIKINGS …  SO JUST FUCK OFF.”

“WELL, EVEN THOUGH I’VE DECIDED TO PLAY AGAIN THIS YEAR FOR 12 MILLION DOLLARS, I’M STILL NOT SURE IF MY SALARY WILL COVER THE CO-PAYS AND DEDUCTIBLES FOR ANOTHER SHOULDER OPERATION.”

“WE FEEL THAT BEN CAN REVERSE OUR LONG LOSING TRADITION, BY REVERSING OUR USUAL LATE-SEASON COLLAPSES. THIS WAY, WE’LL START THE SCHEDULE BY LOSING, BUT THEN FINISH WITH A WINNING STREAK, AS OUR LEGS GET YOUNGER AT THE END OF THE SEASON.”

“I THOUGHT I WOULD LOOK BETTER STANDING NEXT TO SOMEONE WHO FLIP-FLOPPED MORE THAN I DID.”