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The Satirical Political Report

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July 30th, 2009

GOP Seeks to Limit the Public Option, to Terri Schiavo!

“WHO SAYS THE GOP DOESN’T SEE A ROLE FOR THE GOVERNMENT … BETWEEN YOU AND YOUR UNDERTAKER.”

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BuzzFlash’s Mark Karlin on GOP Opposition to the Government Option: They Can’t Afford for America to Succeed.

Jon Perr: CBO Slams GOP on Public Option and Employer Coverage.

July 30th, 2009

To Obstruct Health Reform, GOP Enlists ‘Theodoric of York, Medieval Barber’

 

Wait a minute. Maybe Obama’s right. Perhaps I’ve been wrong to blindly follow the neanderthal, know-nothing ideology and policies of the modern GOP. Maybe we Republicans should embrace the progressive tradition and put the health and welfare of the average person above the sheer corporate greed of the pharmaceutical and insurance companies. Maybe a family of four shouldn’t have to go bankrupt just because their barber prescribes a regimen of leeches. Perhaps I could lead the way to a new age, an age of rebirth, a Renaissance, even universal bloodletting Naaaaaahhh!

July 27th, 2009

Dramatic Breakthrough on Healthcare: Blue Dogs to Get Mandatory Rabies Shots

“UNDER THIS PROPOSAL, BY STOPPING FOAMING AT THE MOUTH, AND THE SPREAD OF INFECTIOUS IDEAS, THE COST SAVINGS TO THE ENTIRE HEALTH SYSTEM WILL MORE THAN PAY FOR THIS RABIES PROGRAM.”

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More on the health care debate at BuzzFlash:

Editor Mark Karlin on: Blue Dogging with the GOP: Making America Sicker and an Economic Basket Case, and P.M. Carpenter on obstruction of reform as the Right-Wing’s last, desperate stand.

April 23rd, 2007

BASEBALL PLAYER DEMANDS TRADE, TO GET FURTHER AWAY FROM HIS FAMILY

Mac Johnson, the slugging outfielder from the Texas Rangers, has demanded a trade from the only team he’s ever played for, in order to put more distance between himself and his family.

Johnson, who’s married with four kids, and has both his parents and in-laws living with him in Arlington, claims that being too “close” to his family is adversely affecting¬†both his on-field performance, as well as his “extra-curricular” activities.

“It’s hard to take full advantage of my celebrity and wealth when my old lady is waiting up for me after games,” Johnson explained.¬† “And even when she’s fallen asleep, my damn mother-in-law¬†is usually first getting up when I try to sneak in around 4:30 a.m.”

Johnson also complained that he’s sick and tired of his kids waking him up when he’s¬†hungover,¬†and that helping¬†them with their homework before he leaves for night games takes away precious¬†time for¬†film study of opposing pitchers.

Johnson indicated that he had considered filing for divorce, but that his agent had advised him that that type of “free agency” would actually cost him millions.¬†

Johnson’s wife went on record as saying that she had no problem with his trade request, adding only that she reserved her right to play with¬†a DH — a “Designated Husband.”