“WATERBOARDING IS ONE THING, BUT THIS REALLY VIOLATES MY RIGHTS UNDER THE GENEVA CONVENTION.”

 

“I’M SORRY MY FIRST QUESTION TOOK SO LONG; WE’RE COMPLETELY OUT OF TIME…. GO JEFF GORDON!”

 

“OK GOD, LET ME PUT UP ON THE SCREEN ONE OF THE KEY COMMANDMENTS YOU HANDED DOWN: ‘THOU SHALL NOT KILL.’ BUT HOW DO YOU SQUARE THAT WITH ¬†ALL THE HURRICANES, FLOODS AND OTHER NATURAL DISASTERS THAT YOU YOURSELF HAVE CREATED?”

Meet the Press, Matthews, The McLaughlin Group

All yelling at the top of their lungs

Would the national dialogue be better served

If we simply cut out their tongues

But on second thought, all this white noise

Really does serve the nation

After all, man can’t live by smut alone

He also needs mental masturbation

[Reprinted from One State Two State Red State Blue State]

10. Even with your back to the TV, you cringe with recognition of Richard Perle’s voice on Hardball.

9. When your wife starts to play with your family jewels, you say “wait ’till after Bill Maher’s New Rules.”

8. You’ll root against a sports team just because they’re from a Red State.

7. When you ask someone their “sign,” you mean Jesus Fish or Darwin Fish.

6. You use “Picture-in-Picture” to watch Russert and Stephanopoulous.

5. You think the New York Times is really controlled by the Editorial Board of the Wall St. Journal.

4. Your idea of multitasking is reading Daily Kos while listening to NPR.

3. You’re all for “mixed marriages,” except for the one between Matalin and Carville.

2. You oppose capital punishment in all cases — with the possible exception of Chris Matthews.

1. Although you’re ACLU on personal privacy, you advocate warrantless strip searches of the Right-Wing Blondes — to check if their carpets really match their drapes.