Irving Picard

“‘MR. MET NOT ONLY LOOKED THE OTHER WAY BY WITHDRAWING HIS HEAD INTO A SHELL, BUT ALSO LAUNCHED HIS OWN SCHEME OF FICTITIOUS T-SHIRTS.”

Mr. Met

“I’M PREPARED TO ASSIST THE WARDEN WITH HIS OWN PERSONAL FINANCES, MANAGE THE PRISON’S BOOKS AND RECORDS, AND COLLECT ALL THE MONEY FOR THE INMATES’ MARCH MADNESS POOL. ”

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BLOGWORTHIES:

Chad Rubel at BuzzFlash on Meghan McCain: New young face, but no new ideas.

Madkane: GOP Can’t Walk and Chew Gum in Arguing Obama  Can’t Walk and Chew Gum.

Bush’s Preemptive Failure, at All Hat No Cattle.

Norm Jenson with Colbert’s The Word – Rand Illusion.

Juan Cole on the gathering storm in Pakistan.

“ALTHOUGH HIS ADMINISTRATION LASTED JUST ONE SHORT MONTH, WILLIAM HENRY HARRISON DECEIVED THE AMERICAN PEOPLE, CLAIMING THAT SHAWNEE CHIEF TECUMSEH WAS TRYING TO ACQUIRE YELLOW CORN … FROM AFRICA.”

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Staying on topic, MYDD on the Presidential rankings: William Henry Harrison was robbed!

Obama’s Choice: FDR’s First 100 Days or Lincoln’s Team of Rivals – by Mark Karlin of BuzzFlash.

Speaking of ex-Presidents, William Jefferson Clinton speaks out on the Economic Crisis – at One Good Move.

Lisa Casey with more on the Blago/Burris Insanity.

Juan Cole: Iraq Funding Ponzi Scheme Bigger than Madoff’s.

“JESUS H. CHRIST, MADOFF WAS ABOUT TO BRING DOWN THE VERY LAST INSTITUTION THAT THIS COUNTRY HAD ANY FAITH IN.”

“ANDERSON, MADOFF SOMEHOW CONNED ALL THE OLD FARTS INTO BELIEVING THAT THEY’D BECOME COOL, JUST BY BUYING A MOTORCYLE AND LEATHER JACKET FROM HIM.”

’3 A.M. Phone Call Ad’ Wins Hillary the Presidency, of OnStar

Baseball Decrees the Steroid Age the ‘Shrunken Ball Era’

The Legend of Fred Thompson: A Politician Turned Actor Who Couldn’t Play a Candidate on TV

Evangelicals Claim Prop 8 Protects the Sanctity of Marriages Performed by Elvises in Vegas Chapels

Accused in Hate Crime Plea Bargains Down to ‘Spite’

Famed Photog Annie Leibovitz Uses Negatives to Capture McCain’s Campaign

Iraq Celebrates 5th Anniversary by Re-Gifting Democracy

Rudy Giuliani Reveals His Feet Are Two Different Sizes: a ’9′ and an ’11′

Co-Founder of Slinky Dies, After Falling Down Steps

Pollsters Admit Flaws in Methodology: ‘Exit Polls’ Conducted at Entrances

Sarah Palin Touts Her Experience as a ‘Closet Organizer’

Satirists Riot Over The New Yorker Obama Cartoon

Americans Strongly Believe in God, But One That Only Controls the Outcome of Sporting Events

Due to Snowstorm, Premature Ejaculation Clinic Operating on a 5 Minute Delay

Huckabee Declares He’s Ready to be President From ‘Day Six,’ Literally

Spitzer Scandal Spurs Call for Reform: Public Financing of Hookers

Christian Right Condemns Gay Adoption of Highways

FOX News Blames Obama for Nigerian Spam

Time-Life Issues the Definitive Collection of ‘Bush Scandals’

Sarah Palin Establishes a New ‘Crack in the WOODEN FLOOR’

Stood Up by ‘Joe the Plumber,’ McCain Campaigns with ‘Janitor in a Drum’

Iraqi Shoe Thrower Receives a ‘Seinfeld Sentence’ — Has to Serve as Bush’s Butler (and Shoeshine man)

A Sign of the Times: E*Trade Baby Leaps to Death From His Crib

McCain Claims ‘Multiple House Story’ Helps Him With Mormons

Sarah Palin Takes Phone Call from Napoleon Bonaparte

U.S. Finally Greeted as Liberators, by Wall Street

Lesson Learned: Auto Executives Make Return Trip to D.C. in Flintstones Car

An Ominous Sign for the GOP: Even Mars Turns Blue

Bush’s ‘Mission Accomplished’ Finally Realized: Iraq in Better Shape Than U.S.

Sarah Palin’s Greatest ‘Gift’ to America: Ruining Thanksgiving

Treasury Gives Bailout to Sperm Banks, to Inject Liquidity Into Frozen Markets

Blagojevich, Preparing for the Worst, Plans to Sell His Own ‘Seat’ in Jail

Conspiracy Theory of ‘Second Shoe Thrower’ Raised by Abdul-liver Stone

Bernie Madoff’s Fraud Reaches Beyond Jewish Community: Ran Pyramid Scheme in Egypt

House of Tudor Lays Claim to Vacant NY Senate Seat

Cheney Voices Concern Biden Will Diminish the ‘Vice’ in Vice Presidency

GOP Realizes Its Worst Nightmare: Black Man Elected to Lead U.S. Out of The Dark Ages

Permit me to inform you of my desire of going into business relationship with you. As a member of royalty of Upper East Side of Manhattan, East Hampton and Palm Beach, I must immediately transfer $50 billion to your bank account since I am being persecuted by my government, which has wrongly accused me of trying to kill off charities and college endowments.

I have selected your name among other names due to the fact that you are too reputable to trust anything you read in newspapers. I am also in dire need of your assistance since my own sons are working with the corrupt authorities in my country to poison my good name and reputation.

I have never made a bad trade, because I actually don’t do trades. Instead, I work with my esteemed business associates, the well-renowned Ponzi & Ponzi, Inc., who will ensure that you receive a 12% commission every year, regardless of poor market conditions or downturns in economic cycles.

How do I do it? Volume!

Anticipating to hear from you soon. Thanks and God Bless.

Very truly yours, Oluwalogbo Madoff

Now retired and living in a God-assisted living facility in Boca Raton, Moses was devastated by the news, and announced that he would now be forced to auction off both the original Ten Commandments, and the Golden Calf he seized from his brother Aaron in a dispute in the Sinai desert.

Asked where he thought Madoff had gone wrong, Moses lamented that “maybe Bernie paid too much attention to the commandment about not using God’s name in vain, and should have given more thought to “Thou Shall Not Steal” and “Thou Shall Not Covet Thy Neighbor’s 401K.”

Moses was also bitter that his own legacy had essentially been wiped out by Madoff’s madness: “I risked my life and more than 40 years trying to free my people, and now, because of that sonuvabitch, all the Jews are gonna’ have to go back to working like slaves. In fact, they may even have to … let their own people go.”

Moses conceded, however, that he and other investors should have seen the red flags, particularly when they received statements showing that Madoff had put them into the Ten Plagues Total Return Fund.  “Believe you me,” added the Hebrew Prophet, “I’ve seen Pyramid schemes before, but this one really takes the matzoh.”  

Asked what punishment he thought would be appropriate for Madoff, Moses demurred, but said that this might be a better question for his good friend and roommate Abraham, “who really is the expert at sacrifices.”

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BLOGWORTHIES:

From Moses to Jesus: Cheerleaders for Christ, by BuzzFlash’s Chad Rubel.

The latest on Shoegate, at All Hat No Cattle.

The Sunday Funnies, at One Good Move.

Dan Kurtzman has The Week’s Best Late-Night Jokes, and Political Cartoons of the Week.

“HEY, CHECK OUT THESE TITLES: DEBBIE DOES DERIVATIVES, MORTGAGE BARE-BACKED SECURITIES, AND BERNIE MADOFF FUCKS THE LIFESTYLES OF THE RICH AND FAMOUS.”

Story here.

“WE HAVE VIDEOTAPED PROOF THAT THE E*TRADE BABY WAS USING A FAKE VOICE, DIVERTING INVESTMENT FUNDS TO PARTY CLOWNS, AND BUNDLING SOILED DIAPERS AS COLLATERALIZED SECURITIES.”  

“IT WAS LIKE, SO EASY … THE SEC WAS CARRYING A BIGGER LOAD OF SHIT THAN I WAS.”

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And P.M. Carpenter asks if Patrick Fitzgerald is guilty of premature E*Blagolation, while Madkane asks Why Caroline Kennedy?