No, you Seinfeld fanatics — not that kind of  “contest!” I’m talking about the highly prestigious, dynamite, Nobel-like 1st Place prize in this year’s  HumorFeed contest for Best Satire of the Year. My winning entry: A Real War On Christmas: Outrage Grows Over Excessive Bonuses To Santa’s Elves.

My great thanks to the entire HumorFeed community, particularly E.F. Watley, who runs this august humor site, the judges and fellow contributors that made this possible, and all my loyal supporters and readers.

In addition to being Jewish, I guess I’m now really blackballed from Santa’s list.

In a sign of the substantial divide between Main Street and North Pole Street, a growing chorus of criticism is being directed at the over-sized bonuses doled out this year to the under-sized elves of Santa’s workshop.

While the most trying economic times since The Great Depression have created massive unemployment, a wave of home foreclosures, and forced millions of Americans to defer retirement, the images of these “fat-reindeer” elves piloting Mercedes Benz sleighs and downing thousand dollar bottles of vintage eggnog have created a backlash of epic proportions.

Indeed, there are numerous reports of carolers foregoing such traditional classics as Silent Night in favor of iconic protest songs, such as John Fogerty’s Fortunate Elf, and Edwin Starr’s Christmas, What is it Good For.

As one angry protestor put it, “these elves always wear the same clothes, and already enjoy subsidized housing from Santa, so why the hell do they need seven-figure bonuses?”

The criticism essentially stems from the unprecedented losses caused by the risky ventures undertaken by Santa and his elves the past few years, where the production and delivery of toys took a back seat to more complex products such as credit toy default swaps, sub-prime Tickle-Me-Elmos, and Dora the Explorer derivatives.

But perhaps the asset that was even more toxic than Chinese toys were highly-leveraged legos, which began to fall like dominoes once the financial crisis hit.

Stoking populist anger even more were the federal bailouts that followed, which were predicated on the belief that Christmas was too big to fail.  Moreover, according to a high-placed source at the North Pole, who was not authorized to speak on behalf of Kris Kringle, neither the President nor his Treasury Secretary wanted to be the one to tell Virginia, a key swing state, “that there is no Santa Clause.”

In response to the widespread outcry, Santa and his elves were summoned to appear before numerous Congressional committees, where they arrived via Amtrak, rather than their executive sleigh, to avoid further damage to their public image.

While snacking on milk and cookies, Santa read a statement claiming that these hefty bonuses were “necessary to prevent the defection of my elves to Wall Street, where they’re being heavily recruited to work in their true field of expertise — micro-cap stocks.”

Nevertheless, in an attempt to quell the public outrage, St. Nick promised that future elf compensation packages would entail less cash, and be more heavily weighted toward Christmas Stocking options.

“IF THESE GREEDY SONS-OF-BITCHES PISS AND SHIT AS MUCH AS THEY DID ON THE AMERICAN PUBLIC, WE’LL RECOVER ALL OUR TARP MONEY BEFORE THEY CAN FLUSH IT ALL DOWN THE TOILET.”

“NOW, CALM DOWN, MA’AM. I UNDERSTAND YOU LOCKED JOHN BOEHNER, ERIC CANTOR AND MITCH McCONNNELL IN YOUR CAR, BUT IF YOU WANT WHAT’S BEST FOR THE COUNTRY,  JUST WALK AWAY AND FORGET THE WHOLE THING.”

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Norm Jenson has Noam Chomsky on the Economy.

GOP “Idea Men,” at All Hat No Cattle.

“WE ALSO HAD TO SUSPEND OUR INTERNET SERVICE AND SELL OUR SOAPBOX, SO IT LOOKS LIKE THE REVOLUTION WILL HAVE TO WAIT AT LEAST ANOTHER GENERATION.”

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Lisa Casey on Congressional con-plicity.

Dan Kurtzman’s The Week in Political Cartoons.

Juan Cole on Obama v. Cheney on Guantanamo, Prosecutions, Torture.

“FORGET THOSE CROOKS ON WALL STREET, YOU GUYS SINGLE-HANDEDLY DOUBLED THE ENTIRE COST OF OUR FOOD STAMP PROGRAM.”

“WE FIGURE THE WAY WE RUN OUR BANKS, THE AMERICAN PUBLIC IS GONNA’ END UP AS TOAST ANYWAY.”

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Don’t forget to take your daily dose of BartCop Entertainment.

“I THINK 30 DAYS BEHIND BARS, FOR EVERY THOUSAND DOLLARS ABOVE A PAY CAP, IS JUST THE KIND OF ‘BONUS’ THE AMERICAN PEOPLE WILL REALLY SUPPORT.”

[TPM Muckraker with the "Retention" story] 

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BLOGWORTHIES:

Sen. Bernie Sanders at BuzzFlash: Why Not Fire Failed Tycoons?

GOP Viagra, at All Hat No Cattle.

Stephen Colbert’s The Word – Loyal Opposition,  at One Good Move.

Madkane: The Bully Pulpit Isn’t Enough, When You’re Dealing With Bullies.

“NOW, I DON’T KNOW IF OUR STIMULUS AND BANK BAILOUT PLANS ARE GONNA’ WORK, BUT I WILL CONTINUE TO TRAVEL AROUND THIS GREAT COUNTRY … UNTIL I FIND JOBS AND HOMES FOR EVERY LAST ONE OF YOU.”

Citing ‘Change’ Over ‘Experience,’ Angry Electorate Votes to Replace God

‘3 A.M. Phone Call Ad’ Wins Hillary the Presidency, of OnStar

Baseball Decrees the Steroid Age the ‘Shrunken Ball Era’

The Legend of Fred Thompson: A Politician Turned Actor Who Couldn’t Play a Candidate on TV

Evangelicals Claim Prop 8 Protects the Sanctity of Marriages Performed by Elvises in Vegas Chapels

Accused in Hate Crime Plea Bargains Down to ‘Spite’

Famed Photog Annie Leibovitz Uses Negatives to Capture McCain’s Campaign

Iraq Celebrates 5th Anniversary by Re-Gifting Democracy

Rudy Giuliani Reveals His Feet Are Two Different Sizes: a ‘9′ and an ‘11′

Co-Founder of Slinky Dies, After Falling Down Steps

Pollsters Admit Flaws in Methodology: ‘Exit Polls’ Conducted at Entrances

Sarah Palin Touts Her Experience as a ‘Closet Organizer’

Satirists Riot Over The New Yorker Obama Cartoon

Americans Strongly Believe in God, But One That Only Controls the Outcome of Sporting Events

Due to Snowstorm, Premature Ejaculation Clinic Operating on a 5 Minute Delay

Huckabee Declares He’s Ready to be President From ‘Day Six,’ Literally

Spitzer Scandal Spurs Call for Reform: Public Financing of Hookers

Christian Right Condemns Gay Adoption of Highways

FOX News Blames Obama for Nigerian Spam

Time-Life Issues the Definitive Collection of ‘Bush Scandals’

Sarah Palin Establishes a New ‘Crack in the WOODEN FLOOR’

Stood Up by ‘Joe the Plumber,’ McCain Campaigns with ‘Janitor in a Drum’

Iraqi Shoe Thrower Receives a ‘Seinfeld Sentence’ — Has to Serve as Bush’s Butler (and Shoeshine man)

A Sign of the Times: E*Trade Baby Leaps to Death From His Crib

McCain Claims ‘Multiple House Story’ Helps Him With Mormons

Sarah Palin Takes Phone Call from Napoleon Bonaparte

U.S. Finally Greeted as Liberators, by Wall Street

Lesson Learned: Auto Executives Make Return Trip to D.C. in Flintstones Car

An Ominous Sign for the GOP: Even Mars Turns Blue

Bush’s ‘Mission Accomplished’ Finally Realized: Iraq in Better Shape Than U.S.

Sarah Palin’s Greatest ‘Gift’ to America: Ruining Thanksgiving

Treasury Gives Bailout to Sperm Banks, to Inject Liquidity Into Frozen Markets

Blagojevich, Preparing for the Worst, Plans to Sell His Own ‘Seat’ in Jail

Conspiracy Theory of ‘Second Shoe Thrower’ Raised by Abdul-liver Stone

Bernie Madoff’s Fraud Reaches Beyond Jewish Community: Ran Pyramid Scheme in Egypt

House of Tudor Lays Claim to Vacant NY Senate Seat

Cheney Voices Concern Biden Will Diminish the ‘Vice’ in Vice Presidency

GOP Realizes Its Worst Nightmare: Black Man Elected to Lead U.S. Out of The Dark Ages