“WE SOLD A PRODUCT CALLED ‘OXYGEN-1′ … THAT ACTUALLY HAD NO OXYGEN.”

“WE’VE SOLD OUR CLIENTS A LOT OF SHIT OVER THE YEARS, BUT TO SEE THE GOP BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF US IN HEARINGS, AND THEN BET AGAINST FINANCIAL REFORM ON THE SENATE FLOOR … WELL, THAT’S  NOT SYNTHETIC, BUT PURE UNADULTERATED BULLSHIT.”

“WHEN IT COMES TO CREATING CDOs — COLLATERALIZED DOODY OBLIGATIONS — WE’VE REALLY GOT AWESOME POWERS.”

“WE KNOW THAT AFTER WALL STREET USES THE BAILOUT MONEY FOR DRUGS, THEY’LL JUST CUT IT INTO LITTLE PIECES AND SNORT-SELL IT TO YOUR GRANDMOTHER.”

No, you Seinfeld fanatics — not that kind of  “contest!” I’m talking about the highly prestigious, dynamite, Nobel-like 1st Place prize in this year’s  HumorFeed contest for Best Satire of the Year. My winning entry: A Real War On Christmas: Outrage Grows Over Excessive Bonuses To Santa’s Elves.

My great thanks to the entire HumorFeed community, particularly E.F. Watley, who runs this august humor site, the judges and fellow contributors that made this possible, and all my loyal supporters and readers.

In addition to being Jewish, I guess I’m now really blackballed from Santa’s list.

In a sign of the substantial divide between Main Street and North Pole Street, a growing chorus of criticism is being directed at the over-sized bonuses doled out this year to the under-sized elves of Santa’s workshop.

While the most trying economic times since The Great Depression have created massive unemployment, a wave of home foreclosures, and forced millions of Americans to defer retirement, the images of these “fat-reindeer” elves piloting Mercedes Benz sleighs and downing thousand dollar bottles of vintage eggnog have created a backlash of epic proportions.

Indeed, there are numerous reports of carolers foregoing such traditional classics as Silent Night in favor of iconic protest songs, such as John Fogerty’s Fortunate Elf, and Edwin Starr’s Christmas, What is it Good For.

As one angry protestor put it, “these elves always wear the same clothes, and already enjoy subsidized housing from Santa, so why the hell do they need seven-figure bonuses?”

The criticism essentially stems from the unprecedented losses caused by the risky ventures undertaken by Santa and his elves the past few years, where the production and delivery of toys took a back seat to more complex products such as credit toy default swaps, sub-prime Tickle-Me-Elmos, and Dora the Explorer derivatives.

But perhaps the asset that was even more toxic than Chinese toys were highly-leveraged legos, which began to fall like dominoes once the financial crisis hit.

Stoking populist anger even more were the federal bailouts that followed, which were predicated on the belief that Christmas was too big to fail.  Moreover, according to a high-placed source at the North Pole, who was not authorized to speak on behalf of Kris Kringle, neither the President nor his Treasury Secretary wanted to be the one to tell Virginia, a key swing state, “that there is no Santa Clause.”

In response to the widespread outcry, Santa and his elves were summoned to appear before numerous Congressional committees, where they arrived via Amtrak, rather than their executive sleigh, to avoid further damage to their public image.

While snacking on milk and cookies, Santa read a statement claiming that these hefty bonuses were “necessary to prevent the defection of my elves to Wall Street, where they’re being heavily recruited to work in their true field of expertise — micro-cap stocks.”

Nevertheless, in an attempt to quell the public outrage, St. Nick promised that future elf compensation packages would entail less cash, and be more heavily weighted toward Christmas Stocking options.

[Note from Editor's Jewish Mother: 'Alright, so he's not a Doctor, but at least this post won a contest!]

“IF THESE GREEDY SONS-OF-BITCHES PISS AND SHIT AS MUCH AS THEY DID ON THE AMERICAN PUBLIC, WE’LL RECOVER ALL OUR TARP MONEY BEFORE THEY CAN FLUSH IT ALL DOWN THE TOILET.”

“NOW, CALM DOWN, MA’AM. I UNDERSTAND YOU LOCKED JOHN BOEHNER, ERIC CANTOR AND MITCH McCONNNELL IN YOUR CAR, BUT IF YOU WANT WHAT’S BEST FOR THE COUNTRY,  JUST WALK AWAY AND FORGET THE WHOLE THING.”

———————————————————————————————————————–

Norm Jenson has Noam Chomsky on the Economy.

GOP “Idea Men,” at All Hat No Cattle.

“WE ALSO HAD TO SUSPEND OUR INTERNET SERVICE AND SELL OUR SOAPBOX, SO IT LOOKS LIKE THE REVOLUTION WILL HAVE TO WAIT AT LEAST ANOTHER GENERATION.”

———————————————————————————————-

Lisa Casey on Congressional con-plicity.

Dan Kurtzman’s The Week in Political Cartoons.

Juan Cole on Obama v. Cheney on Guantanamo, Prosecutions, Torture.

“FORGET THOSE CROOKS ON WALL STREET, YOU GUYS SINGLE-HANDEDLY DOUBLED THE ENTIRE COST OF OUR FOOD STAMP PROGRAM.”