“SINCE YOU HAVE NO INSURANCE TO MAKE RESTITUTION TO THE AMERICAN PRESIDENT, YOU ARE TO SERVE AS MR. BUSH’S BUTLER AND SHOE SHINE MAN FOR THE NEXT SEVEN YEARS. YOU ARE VERY, VERY, VERY BAD MAN.” 

If you haven’t heard by now, the official team of Jesus, the Colorado Rockies, against all Biblical odds, were swept in the World Series by the Boston Red Sox. As highlighted at One Good Move, the Rockies have become baseball’s equivalent of the Bush Justice Department — recruiting “holy rollers” to take their turn at bat with the Lord.

But contrary to popular perception, their defeat was not solely attribuable to being out-hit and out-pitched. Here then, from the home office of Galilee, are the Top Ten Reasons the Rockies were smitten in the World Series:

10. “THOU SHALL NOT STEAL” GREATLY HAMPERED THEIR PROGRESS¬†ON THE BASEPATHS.

¬†9. MISTOOK COACH’S HIT-AND-RUN SIGN FOR “SIGN OF THE CROSS.”

¬†8. HOMOPHOBIA PREVENTED TEAMMATE “ASS-PATTING,” DESTROYING TEAM MORALE.

 7. ROCKIES MANAGER REFUSED TO USE BULLPEN, DRIVING OUT THE PITCHING CHANGERS.

 6. CITING THE APOSTLES, TEAM INSISTED ON PLAYING TWELVE FIELDERS, THUS FORFEITING GAME.

5. “TURNING THE OTHER CHEEK” RESULTED IN¬†OUTFIELDERS GETTING SMACKED BY FLY BALLS.

4. GOT SICK AFTER SWALLOWING CHEWING TOBACCO LIKE COMMUNION WAFERS.

3. REFUSED TO MOUNT LATE INNING RESURRECTIONS WITHOUT A SIGN FROM ABOVE.

2. PITCHING COACH CONFUSED HURLERS WITH SERMON ON THE MOUND.

1. UNMARRIED PLAYERS NOT ALLOWED TO ADVANCE BEYOND FIRST BASE.

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BLOGWORTHIES:

George Lakoff at BuzzFlash on ‘American Values.’

Political Cartoons of the Week, via Dan Kurtzman.

Lisa Casey on Obsessive Compulsive Clinton Disorder.

PDB on The Ugly Republican America.