“ACCORDING TO A SPOKESPERSON FOR THE PORTLAND POLICE, THE COMPLAINANT MASSAGE THERAPIST ADMITTED THAT AL GORE KEPT SAYING, ‘THE HOTTER WE GET, THE MORE LIKELY WE’LL ALL HAVE AN UNHAPPY ENDING’.”

“LIKE MOST COUPLES, TIPPER AND I JUST COULDN’T AGREE ON THE THERMOSTAT SETTING IN OUR OWN BEDROOM.”

“SETH, I’M GOING TO PUT ALL THE GLOBAL WARMING DENIERS IN A LOCKBOX, FLY THEM UP TO THE ARCTIC, AND LEAVE THE BASTARDS ON AN ICE FLOE WITH A HUNGRY POLAR BEAR.”

“WE ONLY AWARD HONORARY DEGREES TO INDIVIDUALS WHO HAVE INVENTED THE INTERNET.”

Story on the ASU Sun Devils here.

“RAHM, IF WE CAN JUST GET ROBERTS TO ADMINISTER THE OATH A COUPLA’ MORE TIMES, I MIGHT BE ABLE TO LAST LONG ENOUGH TO REPLACE SCALIA, THOMAS, ALITO … AND THE CHIEF JUSTICE HIMSELF.” 

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BLOGWORTHIES:

BuzzFlash’s Mark Karlin: Of Al Gore’s Presidency Denied, Eight Years of Illegitimacy, and the Triumph of Meritocracy over Corrupt Entitlement.

Inaugural Humor Parade, via Dan Kurtzman.

“WE ONLY ALLOW REAL COWBOYS TO RIDE INTO US, NOT SWAGGERING IDIOTS WHO START UNNECESSARY WARS.”

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BLOGWORTHIES:

Lisa Casey on the further limitations of the fake cowboy.

The Daily Show’s Changefest ’09  – at One Good Move.

Juan Cole on Obama’s Pledge to Withdraw from Iraq and the Iraqi Reality.

“WE OPEN WITH A SCENE DURING THE 2000 PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGN. AL GORE HITS HIS HEAD ON A LOCKBOX, LOSES CONSCIOUSNESS, AND THEN EXPERIENCES AN EIGHT-YEAR NIGHTMARE OF UNJUSTIFIED WAR, LAWLESSNESS, AND ECONOMIC AND ENVIRONMENTAL DEVASTATION. HEY, IT WORKED IN DALLAS, AND THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE TO WHERE THIS WHOLE FIASCO STARTED ANYWAY. THE ONLY DIFFERENCE IS, A SIMPLE SHOWER WON’T WASH AWAY THE STENCH OF THIS ONE.”

“LET’S FACE IT, THIS IS ABOUT THE ONLY WAY PEOPLE ARE GONNA’ BELIEVE I’M A ‘LINCOLN REPUBLICAN’.”

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Dave Lindorff at BuzzFlash –  Loserville: Obama Is Channeling Kerry and Gore.

Crooks & Liars with an update on McCain’s VP choices.

Lisa Casey with a surprise suggestion for Obama.

“WE THINK IT’S HIGH TIME THAT MR. GORE THROW CAUTION TO THE WIND AND STREAK NAKED ACROSS THE ARCTIC.  NOW, THAT WOULD REALLY DRAMATIZE THE PROBLEM OF GLOBAL WARMING AND GRAB THE PUBLIC BY THE BALLS.” 

“DESPITE THE NEW YORK TIMES, I FULLY EXPECT TO STAY IN PRIVATE LIFE,  AND TO KEEP MY PRIVATES IN A LOCKBOX.”

NY Times Editorial here.