“NOW THE MUSLIMS WANT TO USE THEIR SHARIA DIETARY LAWS … TO TAKE AWAY OUR HALLOWED GROUND BEEF.”

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BuzzFlash’s Mark Karlin: To Honor Those Who Died on 9/11, Time to Be Moving Forward, Not Wallowing in Vitriol.

The Daily Show’s Weekend at Burnies, at One Good Move.

10.  Conjugal visits by 72 virgins would severely strain resources of U.S. Marshall’s Service.

9. Federal Civil Rights laws bar anal plunging.

8. NY License Plates would suddenly read ‘JIHADMAN.’

7. Thufferin’ Thuccotash! Terrorists would have better speech therapy than Rudy.

6. 9/11 plotters would be less estranged from their families than Rudy.

5. Afraid they’ll get more media exposure than Rudy through MSNBC’s Al Qaeda Lockup.

4. Terrorists may let Bernard Kerik use their cells for secret prison trysts.

3.  Defendants could get representation by Rudy’s ‘Cousin Vinny’.”

2. Successful prosecutions would overshadow Rudy’s own 100% conviction rate against squeegee men.

1.  Since gas chamber has been abolished, Rudy would look silly witnessing executions wearing his gas mask.

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Norm Jenson with Jon Stewart’s rip of Rudy.

“I DON’T CARE IF THE OBAMA JUSTICE DEPARTMENT SEEKS THE DEATH PENALTY, THEY SIMPLY DON’T HAVE THE POWER TO PUT KSM ON DOUBLE SECRET PROBATION.”

“UNLIKE THE NORMAL SITUATION,  THE U.S. MARSHALLS WILL ACTUALLY LET THE TERRORISTS HIT THEIR HEADS GETTING IN AND OUT OF THE CAR.”

’3 A.M. Phone Call Ad’ Wins Hillary the Presidency, of OnStar

Baseball Decrees the Steroid Age the ‘Shrunken Ball Era’

The Legend of Fred Thompson: A Politician Turned Actor Who Couldn’t Play a Candidate on TV

Evangelicals Claim Prop 8 Protects the Sanctity of Marriages Performed by Elvises in Vegas Chapels

Accused in Hate Crime Plea Bargains Down to ‘Spite’

Famed Photog Annie Leibovitz Uses Negatives to Capture McCain’s Campaign

Iraq Celebrates 5th Anniversary by Re-Gifting Democracy

Rudy Giuliani Reveals His Feet Are Two Different Sizes: a ’9′ and an ’11′

Co-Founder of Slinky Dies, After Falling Down Steps

Pollsters Admit Flaws in Methodology: ‘Exit Polls’ Conducted at Entrances

Sarah Palin Touts Her Experience as a ‘Closet Organizer’

Satirists Riot Over The New Yorker Obama Cartoon

Americans Strongly Believe in God, But One That Only Controls the Outcome of Sporting Events

Due to Snowstorm, Premature Ejaculation Clinic Operating on a 5 Minute Delay

Huckabee Declares He’s Ready to be President From ‘Day Six,’ Literally

Spitzer Scandal Spurs Call for Reform: Public Financing of Hookers

Christian Right Condemns Gay Adoption of Highways

FOX News Blames Obama for Nigerian Spam

Time-Life Issues the Definitive Collection of ‘Bush Scandals’

Sarah Palin Establishes a New ‘Crack in the WOODEN FLOOR’

Stood Up by ‘Joe the Plumber,’ McCain Campaigns with ‘Janitor in a Drum’

Iraqi Shoe Thrower Receives a ‘Seinfeld Sentence’ — Has to Serve as Bush’s Butler (and Shoeshine man)

A Sign of the Times: E*Trade Baby Leaps to Death From His Crib

McCain Claims ‘Multiple House Story’ Helps Him With Mormons

Sarah Palin Takes Phone Call from Napoleon Bonaparte

U.S. Finally Greeted as Liberators, by Wall Street

Lesson Learned: Auto Executives Make Return Trip to D.C. in Flintstones Car

An Ominous Sign for the GOP: Even Mars Turns Blue

Bush’s ‘Mission Accomplished’ Finally Realized: Iraq in Better Shape Than U.S.

Sarah Palin’s Greatest ‘Gift’ to America: Ruining Thanksgiving

Treasury Gives Bailout to Sperm Banks, to Inject Liquidity Into Frozen Markets

Blagojevich, Preparing for the Worst, Plans to Sell His Own ‘Seat’ in Jail

Conspiracy Theory of ‘Second Shoe Thrower’ Raised by Abdul-liver Stone

Bernie Madoff’s Fraud Reaches Beyond Jewish Community: Ran Pyramid Scheme in Egypt

House of Tudor Lays Claim to Vacant NY Senate Seat

Cheney Voices Concern Biden Will Diminish the ‘Vice’ in Vice Presidency

GOP Realizes Its Worst Nightmare: Black Man Elected to Lead U.S. Out of The Dark Ages

Although the Yankees have already handed out almost a quarter billion dollars to pitchers C.C. Sabathia and A.J. Burnett, Yankee co-owner Hank Steinbrenner told a frenzied New York press corps that ”the latest move won’t really affect our payroll, since the Iraqi journalist personally told me he’d work for no money, just dinners.”

Steinbrenner also boasted that he had made an ingenius marketing move, since it would give the Yankees an opportunity to tap into a huge new fan base, the community of Arab-Americans and Muslims who live in the greater New York metropolitan area.  ”I’ve already asked my people to look into staging a promotional ‘Abaya Night’  – I think those things would look great in pinstripes and emblazoned with the famous NY logo.”

As far as Zaidi’s pitching skills are concerned, Steinbrenner stated that “the righthander had to work a bit on his control, but we kind of figured his head-hunting skills would come in handy in those heated games with the Red Sox.”

In related news, the ultimate Yankee fan, Rudy Giuliani, enthusiastically embraced the move, saying “I forgive al-Zaidi, at least he’s not a community organizer.” “Besides,” the former NY mayor added, “it’s not like the guy’s shoe size was a ’9′ or an ’11′.”

“AS A RESULT OF THIS INCIDENT, WE’RE PLANNING AN IMMEDIATE INVASION OF BIRKENSTOCKISTAN.”

Story and video at Crooks & Liars.

Wait a minute. Perhaps Obama’s right. Perhaps I’ve been wrong to blindly follow the neanderthal, know-nothing ideology and policies of the modern GOP. Maybe we Republicans should embrace the progressive tradition and put the welfare of the average person and the survival of the planet above sheer corporate greed and profit. Maybe the lessons of science and the enlightenment could be extended to our party platform on issues of health care, the environment, and improving the lives of the poor and middle class. Perhaps I could lead the way to a new age, an age of rebirth, a Renaissance! …. Naaaaaahhh!

BLOGWORTHIES:

More on the “Party of Lincoln,” at All Hat No Cattle.

Jon Perr at C&L on 9/11 and Bush’s Law of Bin Laden.

Juan Cole: Time to Declare the original al-Qaeda Defeated.

“I CAN’T BELIEVE THEY’RE ABOUT TO COMMEMORATE THE ANNIVERSARY OF ’9/11′ WITHOUT PAYING ME A ROYALTY.”

Amy Weiss at BuzzFlash weighs in with Lipstick, pigs and the ridiculous GOP double standard.