Inspired by the gutsy New York Times Op-ed piece of former Goldman Sachs executive Greg Smith, Rick Santorum today announced that he was leaving the Republican Party, “since the GOP was not toxic or destructive enough.”

Santorum, who plans to continue his quest for the Presidency as an independent, elaborated that while the Republican Party does favor “drill, baby, drill” and denies global warming, it has “failed to go all out on policies to destroy the planet’s environment by making it literally toxic.”

As far as social policies are concerned, Santorum acknowledged that “sure, we do have fine leaders like Rush Limbaugh who defame and degrade intelligent young women like Sandra Fluke, but the kind of ‘toxic’ I’m seeking for these Biblical Jezebels is ’toxic shock syndrome’.”

Santorum also lamented the fact that the Republican party has sanctioned debates with President Obama, when “what’s really needed,” the Catholic fundamentalist emphasized, ”is an actual Inquisition of this infidel named Barack.”

The former Senator from Pennsylvania, whose campaign appearances typically boast of his coal miner grandfather, stated that he would also favor a new and expanded generation of coal miners, including minors, so that this country can destroy more clean lungs and clean air.”

Santorum also complained that the “current GOP, as exemplified by Mitt Romney, has become too much about profits, when its focus should instead be on Prophets.” Santorum added: “I knew it was time to leave this party when I realized I couldn’t look voters in the eye and deny that there’s actually a condom machine in the GOP Senate cloakroom.”

The Senator from the 13th Century further expressed disappointment that the Republicans have stalled on changing their symbol, at his suggestion, from an Elephant to a Vampire Squid, “before Goldman Sachs nails down the copyright.”

Finally, Santorum bemoaned the fact that today’s GOP is still too much like the party he joined decades ago, “where the official culture was to screw the poor and middle class through benign neglect.” Instead, he stressed, ”we should follow a creed that singularly strives to put the 99% of our muppet citizens in the trash can, like Oscar the Grouch.”