The Satirical Political Report

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March 28th, 2012

Scalia Raises ‘Broccoli Issue,’ Citing Dana v. Carvey

Now, Counselor, are you telling me that if there’s a lady I know
And even if I didn’t know her
And she’d be the la-tay I didn’t know.

And this lady, she went downtown
THAT THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT COULD FIRST FORCE HER TO BUY BROCCOLI
Then bring it ho-ome…
AND FINALLY COULD FORCE HER TO CHOP THAT BROCCOLI
Chop’in brocco-li
Chop’in brocco-la
Chop’in brocco-laa-aa

She’s chop’in brocco-lay
Chop’in brocco-lay
She’s chop-eah-un!

March 27th, 2012

The ONE and ONLY Argument That Could Win Over Scalia on Obamacare

“CHRIS, THE OBAMA ADMINISTRATION JUST MIGHT CONVINCE JUSTICE SCALIA THAT OBAMACARE IS CONSISTENT WITH THE FOUNDING FATHERS’ ORIGINAL INTENT, BY PORTRAYING FOLKS WHO FREQUENT EMERGENCY ROOMS AS THE SAME KIND OF ‘LEECHES’ THAT WERE USED TO TREAT GEORGE WASHINGTON HIMSELF.”

March 26th, 2012

Dick Cheney’s Doctors Worry New Heart Will Reject HIM!

“WE USUALY WORRY ABOUT THE PATIENT REJECTING A NEW FOREIGN ORGAN, BUT IN THIS CASE WE FEAR THE NEW HEART WILL REJECT A HOST WHO NEVER SEEMED ENTIRELY COMFORTABLE WITH EVEN HIS HOME-GROWN VERSION.”

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Lisa Casey on an unexpected pleasant surprise from this surgery.

Recommended Reads, at BartCopE!

March 23rd, 2012

Geraldo Rivera Warns Franciscan Monks Against Wearing Hoodies

“NOT ONLY DO THEY PRACTICALLY INVITE COPS TO HARASS THEM, BUT THEY ALSO  MAKE THINGS WORSE BY INVOKING THEIR RIGHT TO VOWS OF SILENCE.”

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BuzzFlash’s Mark Karlin on Geraldo Rivera: Guns Don’t Kill People; Hoodies Do.

March 22nd, 2012

Romney Campaign ‘Erases’ Etch-a-Sketch Aide

“THIS WASN’T REALLY A PROBLEM, WE JUST TURNED ERIC FEHRNSTROM UPSIDE DOWN, SHOOK HIM UP, AND THEN ‘ERASED‘ HIM AS IF HE NEVER EVEN EXISTED.”

March 21st, 2012

Romney Refuses to Stand His Ground on ‘Stand Your Ground’

“MY POSITION IS YOU CAN SHOOT ANYONE YOU WANT DURING THE PRIMARIES, AND THEN, DURING THE GENERAL ELECTION, JUST ERASE THE WHOLE THING LIKE ON AN ETCH-A-SKETCH.”

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BuzzFlash’s Mark Karlin: The NRA and Florida Legislators Gave George Zimmerman a License to Murder Trayvon Martin.

Madkane’s Limerick Ode To The “Etch-a-Sketch” Candidate.

Lisa Casey on the next expected GOP hit ‘below the belt.’

Recommended Reads at BartCopE!

March 19th, 2012

Santorum’s Criticism of ‘Seamus Affair’ Takes a Strange Turn

“THEY CLAIM THE LIQUID OOZING DOWN THE CAR’S BACK WINDOW WAS BROWN, BUT HOW DO WE REALLY KNOW THAT MITT ROMNEY WASN’T  ENCOURAGING ‘DOG-ON-CAR’ SEX.”

March 17th, 2012

Mitt Romney’s St. Patrick’s Day Gaffe A Real ‘Boozy’

“NOW I PERSONALLY DON’T DRINK BEER, OR ANY OTHER ALCOHOL FOR THAT MATTER, BUT I KNOW THE OWNER OF DOS EQUIS, WHO TELLS ME I’M THE LEAST INTERESTING MAN IN THE WORLD.”

“As I said to Mitt, stay First-y, my friend.”

March 16th, 2012

Goldman Exec Inspires Rick Santorum To Leave The GOP: ‘It’s Not Toxic Enough’

Inspired by the gutsy New York Times Op-ed piece of former Goldman Sachs executive Greg Smith, Rick Santorum today announced that he was leaving the Republican Party, “since the GOP was not toxic or destructive enough.”

Santorum, who plans to continue his quest for the Presidency as an independent, elaborated that while the Republican Party does favor “drill, baby, drill” and denies global warming, it has “failed to go all out on policies to destroy the planet’s environment by making it literally toxic.”

As far as social policies are concerned, Santorum acknowledged that “sure, we do have fine leaders like Rush Limbaugh who defame and degrade intelligent young women like Sandra Fluke, but the kind of ‘toxic’ I’m seeking for these Biblical Jezebels is ’toxic shock syndrome’.”

Santorum also lamented the fact that the Republican party has sanctioned debates with President Obama, when “what’s really needed,” the Catholic fundamentalist emphasized, ”is an actual Inquisition of this infidel named Barack.”

The former Senator from Pennsylvania, whose campaign appearances typically boast of his coal miner grandfather, stated that he would also favor a new and expanded generation of coal miners, including minors, so that this country can destroy more clean lungs and clean air.”

Santorum also complained that the “current GOP, as exemplified by Mitt Romney, has become too much about profits, when its focus should instead be on Prophets.” Santorum added: “I knew it was time to leave this party when I realized I couldn’t look voters in the eye and deny that there’s actually a condom machine in the GOP Senate cloakroom.”

The Senator from the 13th Century further expressed disappointment that the Republicans have stalled on changing their symbol, at his suggestion, from an Elephant to a Vampire Squid, “before Goldman Sachs nails down the copyright.”

Finally, Santorum bemoaned the fact that today’s GOP is still too much like the party he joined decades ago, “where the official culture was to screw the poor and middle class through benign neglect.” Instead, he stressed, ”we should follow a creed that singularly strives to put the 99% of our muppet citizens in the trash can, like Oscar the Grouch.”

March 15th, 2012

Latest Poll Shows Majority Thinks Rush Limbaugh Should Be Castrated

“ACCORDING TO ALMOST 60% OF THOSE POLLED, ‘CASTRATION’ WOULD NOT ONLY PREVENT ANY CHANCE OF LIMBAUGH PASSING ON HIS DEMON SEED, BUT HIS RESULTING SOPRANO-LIKE VOICE IS LIKELY TO DO MORE DAMAGE TO HIS PROGRAM THAN EVEN AN ADVERTISER BOYCOTT.”

Rush Limbaugh

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