“ALTHOUGH I’M A MORMON WHO DOESN’T DRINK, I’M SO UNDER THE INFLUENCE OF RIGHT-WING EXTREMISM, I’LL BLUNT MY VIEWS AND AMEND MY OPINIONS UNTIL I DRIVE COMPLETELY OFF THE ROAD.”

Story here.

“THE THING I REALLY LOVE ABOUT THE GREAT WOMEN OF TENNESSEE … IS THAT ALL YOUR BUSHES ARE JUST THE RIGHT WIDTH.”

“WHILE IT SOUNDED PRETTY WEIRD, EVEN FOR A ROBOT, I JUST FIGURED THEY STILL HAVE TO IRON OUT THE BUGS IN THESE NEW-FANGLED COMPUTER-MA-JIGS .”

“IF WE CAN FORCE WOMEN TO CARRY NOT ONLY ALL FETUSES TO TERM, BUT ALSO  CRUDE ACROSS THE COUNTRY,  WE CAN FULFILL THE BIBLICAL ADMONITION TO ‘BE FRUITFUL AND MULTIPLY OUR OIL PRODUCTION’.”

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Burnt Orange Report with the Transvaginal Mandatory Ultrasound Song.

Lisa Casey with the The Ayatollah of Pennsylvania.

“EVEN IF IT WAS NECESSARY TO SAVE THAT ENTIRE COUNTRY, I STILL WOULDN’T PUT MY FINGER IN A DYKE.”

Story here.

“I’M THE CANDIDATE WHO’ S REALLY ABOUT ‘NOTHING‘ — AND I JUST SAY THE ‘OPPOSITE‘ OF EVERYTHING I USED TO SAY BEFORE I RAN FOR PRESIDENT.”

“HELLO, MY NAME IS MITT ROMNEY, I’VE CREATED THOUSANDS OF UN-EMPLOYED, AND I LIVE IN THE SHADOW OF MY FATHER.”

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Lisa Casey with the GOP “Dream/Scream Ticket.”

Recommended Reading, at BartCopE!

“VAGINAL PROBES ARE SO LAST CENTURY; WHAT I’LL DO IS ORGANIZE ‘FANTASTIC VOYAGES’  SO WE CAN CERVIX WOMANKIND THROUGH COLONIZATION OF HER UTERUS.”

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BuzzFlash’s Mark Karlin on the Christian Ayatollah Rick Santorum.

Lisa Casey on the Culture War Against the Girl Scouts.

“YOU KNOW, BARACK OBAMA COMES FROM A MINDSET OF THE KENYAN BUSH, INSTEAD OF AMERICA, LAND OF THE GIANT REDWOODS.”

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And All Hat No Cattle on the Santorum theology of no pre-natal care.

“ARE YOU KIDDING ME, THIS GUY’S SO GOOD, JUST ONE HOUR AFTER THE GAME, YOU FEEL A HUNGER TO WATCH HIM PLAY AGAIN.”

“WE’RE GONNA CUT OFF HIS BALLS, CHICKEN FRICA-FRIESS THEM, AND THEN STICK THEM IN THE FRIESSER IN A CAN OF FOSTERS.”