The Satirical Political Report

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February 29th, 2012

Romney’s ULTIMATE Flip-Flop: ‘I Was DUI on IUD’

 

“ALTHOUGH I’M A MORMON WHO DOESN’T DRINK, I’M SO UNDER THE INFLUENCE OF RIGHT-WING EXTREMISM, I’LL BLUNT MY VIEWS AND AMEND MY OPINIONS UNTIL I DRIVE COMPLETELY OFF THE ROAD.”

Story here.

February 29th, 2012

Santorum’s ‘Romneyesque’ Effort to ‘Make It Up’ to Women Backfires

 

“THE THING I REALLY LOVE ABOUT THE GREAT WOMEN OF TENNESSEE … IS THAT ALL YOUR BUSHES ARE JUST THE RIGHT WIDTH.”

February 28th, 2012

Romney’s Personal Calls to Voters Get Mistaken for Robocalls

“WHILE IT SOUNDED PRETTY WEIRD, EVEN FOR A ROBOT, I JUST FIGURED THEY STILL HAVE TO IRON OUT THE BUGS IN THESE NEW-FANGLED COMPUTER-MA-JIGS .”

February 27th, 2012

Santorum, in Ultimate Appeal to GOP Base, Proposes Transvaginal Oil Pipeline

“IF WE CAN FORCE WOMEN TO CARRY NOT ONLY ALL FETUSES TO TERM, BUT ALSO  CRUDE ACROSS THE COUNTRY,  WE CAN FULFILL THE BIBLICAL ADMONITION TO ‘BE FRUITFUL AND MULTIPLY OUR OIL PRODUCTION’.”

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Burnt Orange Report with the Transvaginal Mandatory Ultrasound Song.

Lisa Casey with the The Ayatollah of Pennsylvania.

February 24th, 2012

Beyond Euthanasia, Santorum Further Engrages the Dutch

“EVEN IF IT WAS NECESSARY TO SAVE THAT ENTIRE COUNTRY, I STILL WOULDN’T PUT MY FINGER IN A DYKE.”

Story here.

February 24th, 2012

The Actual ‘Seinfeld Quotes’ That Romney Shoulda’ Used

“I’M THE CANDIDATE WHO’ S REALLY ABOUT ‘NOTHING‘ — AND I JUST SAY THE ‘OPPOSITE‘ OF EVERYTHING I USED TO SAY BEFORE I RAN FOR PRESIDENT.”

“HELLO, MY NAME IS MITT ROMNEY, I’VE CREATED THOUSANDS OF UN-EMPLOYED, AND I LIVE IN THE SHADOW OF MY FATHER.”

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Lisa Casey with the GOP “Dream/Scream Ticket.”

Recommended Reading, at BartCopE!

February 23rd, 2012

Newt Gingrich’s Futuristic Approach to Virginia Vaginal Probes

“VAGINAL PROBES ARE SO LAST CENTURY; WHAT I’LL DO IS ORGANIZE ‘FANTASTIC VOYAGES’  SO WE CAN CERVIX WOMANKIND THROUGH COLONIZATION OF HER UTERUS.”

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BuzzFlash’s Mark Karlin on the Christian Ayatollah Rick Santorum.

Lisa Casey on the Culture War Against the Girl Scouts.

February 21st, 2012

Romney One-Ups Santorum: Attacks Obama’s Tree-ology

“YOU KNOW, BARACK OBAMA COMES FROM A MINDSET OF THE KENYAN BUSH, INSTEAD OF AMERICA, LAND OF THE GIANT REDWOODS.”

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And All Hat No Cattle on the Santorum theology of no pre-natal care.

February 18th, 2012

Even Adoring Jeremy Lin Fans Engage In Unwitting Racism

“ARE YOU KIDDING ME, THIS GUY’S SO GOOD, JUST ONE HOUR AFTER THE GAME, YOU FEEL A HUNGER TO WATCH HIM PLAY AGAIN.”


February 18th, 2012

Even GOP Women Come Up With Contraception Strategy for Foster Friess

 

“WE’RE GONNA CUT OFF HIS BALLS, CHICKEN FRICA-FRIESS THEM, AND THEN STICK THEM IN THE FRIESSER IN A CAN OF FOSTERS.”

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