ACCORDING TO A STATEMENT ISSUED BY A HIGH-RANKING HEAVENLY SOURCE, AND I QUOTE: “NEITHER GOD NOR JESUS GIVE A RAT’S ASS ABOUT RICK PERRY AND THE FOOLS THAT FOLLOW HIM. INSTEAD GOD AND HIS SON PREFERRED TO SPEND THE DAY AT A TEXAS RANGERS BASEBALL GAME, SINCE THE ONLY THING GOD CONTROLS IS THE OUTCOME OF SPORTING EVENTS.”